It's hard to know what is appropriate to blog and what isn't. What is a final enough decision to put out there and what is still marinating. What is too private to share versus allowable catharsis. I still don't know the answer to any of this. Maybe it's because these things aren't appropriate to share with an audience of readers that isn't entirely known to the writer. However, blogging and putting it all out there has always helped me in dealing with my feelings. 95% of this blog is daily happenings that document the logistics of my life, but it's the other 5% that helps me.
I don't know a timeline on any of this. I know that, at this moment time, I just want to remain in this holding pattern that we know will break with us heading in different directions. Megan of a few months ago would wonder the point of a holding pattern with a known outcome. I can't explain it, but it seems I need several months of stability within each phase of this process. The thought of moving to the next phase (I don't even know exactly what the next phase is given this is my first time through this process) is excruciating I guess that is why I need the holding pattern: to get to a point where the next phase is less raw?
I want to share that things are extremely amicable between D and me. It's odd for me to type that given the strong emotions involved. It also makes it seem like this is just no-big-deal when the exact opposite is very true for me. However, putting Avery first means that we need to remain amicable for Avery and for ourselves. Right now, the amicability is easy for me. It's natural. I expect there will come times when it's not quite so easy and natural. That we were such good friends for a year before we started dating probably helps this process. It doesn't feel foreign or forced. It's not painful or difficult to be around D. Things don't feel all that different from before. Everything is different, of course. But our interaction and communication remains, as it was 95% of time in our marriage, without tension and anger. For me, the absence of those is so important when Avery is involved. I never want her to feel like she has to play referee or that she has to choose between us. I want her to know that we are both happy to have her choose to spend time with the other because that means she's strengthening her relationship with that parent.
A note on this post and all future posts: I often seem to write "for me" or "to me". This is not to say that D feels the other way or the same way, or that I want people to read between some lines. Don't read between things. Take the statement at face value. Don't run it up the ladder of inference. I can't talk from D's perspective. My goal is to be respectful. To not write anything that 18yo Avery should not read. That's a tough one to think about. I guess ultimately I will follow what I would want if this were happening to me as a 5yo. The best I can hope for is that D and I continue to be solid, genuine friends who can put our daughter first without sacrificing our own emotional healing needs.
