weeks(7-10) 2013

Weeks 7-10, February 10 - March 9

Life changes quickly. 2013 sucks royally for me and many of my friends and their families. It's going to be the toughest year of my life regardless of the outcome (no questions on this, please). I'm taking it day by day, hour by hour. Some days are quite good, relatively speaking; other days are agony filled with confusion and anger and sadness and bewilderment. But as I keep telling myself, onward and better.

Avery
Avery's reading and writing has exploded. One day she's just writing her name, the next day she comes out of room having written a "book." The words are all squished together and spelled phonetically, often missing vowels, but it amazes me how many of them I can read. Her drawing is also improving quite a bit, though she still doesn't draw bodies on her people (arms and legs all come out of the head).

Activities for the start of the new session of things will be one dance class - jazz/tap - rather than two classes. We are hoping to do another semi-private swimming session with Henry, but we won't find out about that until today since they don't let you know until the last day of the current session. We've discontinued piano due to lack of practicing and that I didn't at all like her teacher. Kung fu is still on hiatus.

Abbie
Oh, where to begin? She's smart. She can open the door to let herself in within 2-3 attempts if the door is unlocked. This is a door that you push to open. She has TWICE locked me out of the house by trying to open the door from the kitchen to the garage (which is a pull to open door from that direction). This happens when she tries the same method she uses with the push door, then hits the lock. All I can say is I must have sensed this was coming since just the week before the first incident I had an electronic deadbolt installed on our front door. 

Oh, and I was talking to my therapist about the challenges of being responsible for a GS puppy with a 5yo in the house and other challenges. I explained how I'd have an adult greyhound right now if I'd gone with what *I* truly wanted. But I didn't. I went with what D wanted and here I am with a GS puppy. I compared how much easier it would be with the greyhound vs the GS. She said, "and a greyhound would be easier?" You know someone is not a dog person when they have no idea how much easier an adult greyhound is than a GS puppy. I got a good laugh from that. She's not a cat person either. I'm not sure I can trust her after finding all this out.

With all my complaining about Abbie, I do love her. When she is not in puppy mode she is so great. She's GOING to be a great dog. Just not right now. She's a constant challenge when she's not asleep.

Training is going OK. The past few weeks it's been really hard to focus on training, but I've managed to start focusing on it in the past few days. We had a good day at class on Tuesday.

She and I have been going on daily walk/jogs. I'm very proud of this and my consistency with this. I've lost about 17 pounds and gained a lot of muscle doing this. I run the major uphill portions of the route, walk the steepest downhill portions, and run most of the flat portions. Abbie likes to sniff, so there are some flat parts where I let her stop and sniff.

job
This goal has morphed due to several factors. Rather than trying to find a job just to occupy my time, I'm going to get back up to date (as much as is possible/necessary) with a particular technology solution, then look for a fulltime job in that area. I'm not sure how long this will take me. I am talking to a friend of mine (hi Aug if you're reading) who works with this technology solution (Sharepoint) on Sunday. I know I don't want to do the deep technical, architecture stuff. In discussing with D what my best options are given my strike zone and preferences, he said he sees me in a role of configuration. Summary level: lots of companies have implemented Sharepoint. Within those companies various divisions/departments are using Sharepoint and want to do x,y, or z with it, but no one knows how. That's where my theoretical role would come in. All this is very theoretical in my head. As I dive into it, I may find that it's not for me. Then I'll refocus on another technology solution until I find the right one.

personal progress on depression
A main focus in my life right now is managing my depression in a more thoughtful way for myself and those around me. Back in late January or early February, I pushed my new therapist for a diagnosis based on her 45 minutes of discussions with me. At that point, she speculated that I might have bipolar II disorder, but reserved the right to revise that once she'd had more sessions with me.

After many more sessions (twice weekly), she has said that I don't have this disorder. I'm lacking the hypomania that comes with the disorder. I do have "high" moments, but I believe these are just in such stark contrast to my depressive episodes that they just seem like hypomania to some people. I don't go out on uncontrollable binges of any sort (though I'm prone to have more fun shopping, but not out of control).  I'm glad I don't have the disorder, since no one wants such a label. But it doesn't change the work I need to do to manage my depression and its results more effectively. The work is the same with the label or without it.

I have made what I believe and feel to be significant progress in this area in the past month and half, particularly in the face of my life at the moment. Still lots of room to improve, but I am fucking proud of myself. That's right: fucking proud. :)

Changes I've made include:

• cutting out diet soda, which is often linked to depression
• cutting out most sugar. I'll still have bites of dessert now and then, and I still have sugar in my tea in the mornings, but I have easily cut my daily sugar intake by 75-80%. 
• working out (via my dog walk/jog) daily. This would have happened regardless of my focused effort on depression progress because Abbie simply needs exercise. And one of my core beliefs is that every dog deserves at least one daily walk. Probably more, but at least one. Nonetheless, it's key in getting my day going right, or putting it back on path.
• adding meditation to my daily routine. I had tried this, half heartedly, in the past, but I kept falling asleep, then I'd not see any benefit and would drop it. I can now successfully not fall asleep! Woohoo! It's really helping. 
• keeping a fairly regular sleep routine. For a while I was hitting the sack at 8 pm. Then it pushed to 9. I've now pushed it to 10 with a wake up time of 6/7, which depends on what Abbie allows on any given morning. 
• practicing mindfulness. This is from the book I'm reading, Mindful Way through Depression. It's been an amazing help. It feels like it's more helpful than therapy (though I have no intention of ceasing therapy anytime soon). 
• thinking of feelings and emotions differently. This is from the book, as well. In order to stop the downward spiral into depression that unpleasant emotions or feelings can cause, the book talks about thinking about feelings and emotions like clouds. They are not who you are, they are not fact. They are simply there, then they float away like clouds. So if something makes me feel unworthy, I feel that, think about what it makes me feel like physically, then imagine it floating away like a cloud. Because the thought is not a fact. It is just a thought. I'm still working on this, but it's a way of thinking that never occurred to me before. 

Results of changes include:

• I can't think of a time in the last couple of weeks where I've lost my temper with Avery. I've been calm and kind and not short with her. To be clear, it's not like I was yelling at her all the time or anything like that, but I would definitely get short with her quickly. 
• I feel so much better physically. My last bout with headaches was back in mid-February, and those were either tension headaches or sinus related. They definitely weren't food related. I can't explain how I know this. I just do. 
• Less rumination. Again, this is from the book. The mindfulness practice allows me to stay more in the moment, rather than replaying tapes in my mind of the past, or worrying/thinking about what the future might hold. 
• Slowing down. I'm like a terrier sometimes. I just get caught up in the chaos of a moment or wrapped up in my head with no clear idea of what's going on around me. I can't remember if the book said this would be a result, but for me, the mindfulness thing kind of allows me to step back and see the situation isn't as chaotic as it might initially feel to me.

Anyway, big changes in this area. Big and hard changes. 

week(6) 2013

Week 6, February 3 - February 9

job search

I'm still working on my resume. I needed to strip out a lot of the technical speak and highlight my organizational and administrative experience given I'm applying for administrative assistant type jobs. D helped me write my cover letter for one position yesterday, so I think that's good to go ... cover letter and resume submitted to two companies - first hurdle done! --- Sunday

Resume is done and submitted. No calls yet. I expect it'll be a while. It's a rather odd experience dumbing down your resume. But I want a dumbed down job that I can't possibly bring home with me, so dumbing must be done. --- Wednesday

Abbie

We had a trainer from Wonder Puppy come over for an hour yesterday to help us understand how better to make Avery feel comfortable with Abbie. She gave us a lot of great information about training, as well as explained that puppies and children don't really go together, despite what we tend to think about. Kids like to bug the puppies when they're sleeping; puppies have sharp teeth and want to get close to kids' faces. So she said management is 90% of the battle. Keeping the two separate when parents are in the immediate vicinity to intervene. I've been OK at that, but not perfect, so I'll step that up. I've been really impressed with the trainers from Wonder Puppy. --- Sunday 

random

D and I tried to deviate from our date night standard last night. While we deviate, we failed miserably at our mission. The intent was to have dinner at somewhere new, then hit a comedy club. We ended up eating at a mediocre place we've been before, then unable to go to the comedy club since the show was sold out. I guess we need to do more preparation before attempting a date night deviation. --- Sunday

This coming week is jam packed for me. I have a lot of various appointments and things with deadlines. Oddly, it feels kind of good to have a full but managable schedule. I've also started calendaring even smaller things like walking Abbie. It just helps me stay on track with my day. --- Sunday

Today was a busy day Abbie, Avery, and me. After dropping Avery off at school, I headed over to my therapist appointment. Abbie waited in the car in her crate, a skill which she's grown fond of (I believe). Following that we drove home to find the housecleaners cleaning away. I took Abbie for a 35ish minute walk, then played ball with her in the garage for about 20 minutes before hitting the road to pick Avery up at school. Abbie went back in the car crate and off we went. After Avery pickup, we had a whopping 1 hour at home. Avery watched some TV; Abbie and I napped fitfully. Next was Avery's kindergarten round-up (they call it kindergarten connect now). After that we beelined it for the first of Avery's two dance classes. During that, I took Abbie for a long walk around downtown. After the second of Avery's dance classes, we headed straight for the library where Avery and Nain go to storytime together every week. --- Wednesday

week(5) 2013

Week 5, January 27 - February 2

Avery

Avery has decided that she wants to take a break from kung fu. She still enjoys class a lot, but I've noticed that she seems to need more of a break from activities than she did before. Dropping kung fu for a while means she'll have all of Monday afternoon off, which will be her only break in activities during the week. We never do classes/scheduled activities for her on the weekend, so the weekends are always breaks. 

Avery's reading progress is coming along nicely. She is more willing to try sounding out words to read them. And she'll randomly spell things for me in the car. I asked her to spell rabbit the other day. She, without sounding it out aloud, said, R A B I T. Which brings me to my question: how do I respond at this age? Do I say well done and leave it at that? Or, do I say good job, but it has another B in it? 

Avery's latest purchase with her allowance savings was a face painting kit. She loves it. First D tried to paint Avery's face when she asked. He painted the most pathetic version of a butterfly ever. She goes into the bathroom to look at it. I ask her, "What do you think?" When I get no response I ask meekly, "Are you a little disappointed?" She emphatically responds, "I love it! It's fabulous!" D and I just grinned at each other and shook our heads. That is one truly wonderful thing about having a dramatic and enthusiastic child: she LOVES everything (except when I say no, but she is a kid after all). Last night before dinner, Avery painted her own face. Then we painted my face. I think Avery must have taken lessons in how to make my nose look even bigger than it actually is. :) --- Tuesday

Avery is doing slightly better with Abbie. She's still afraid of Abbie when she comes towards her, even though Abbie typically just wants to sniff. She does a good job at just turning her back, but her body language conveys fear. I am having a dog trainer come over on Saturday to help us to help Avery get more comfortable with Abbie. 

Abbie

Potty training is finally going well. For the past couple of days we've had only one or two pees in the house. Both of those were excitement pees versus just going off and finding a place to pee. I'll take it! I'm optimistic that I might be able to schedule a full carpet cleaning in a couple of weeks. 

Walks are going great! I've been taking her daily, which is doing good things for me. I don't think I've lost any weight, but my pants fit and feel better. Abbie is a great walker. She pays attention and doesn't pull. She's not freaked out by noises or vehicles. She gets excited to see a jogger go by, but we're making progress on distracting her with good things (i.e. treats) when that happens. 

She knows two commands consistently: sit and look.  Look came about because I have tiny treats I use on our walks. I often toss them on the ground because it's too hard to feed her from my hand while still walking. Because they're small, she'd often miss seeing me throw it on the ground. She'd look at me waiting for me to throw it. I kept having to bend over and point to it. Pain in the butt. So I started saying look while tapping my foot next to the treat. It took a few days of doing it, but she now knows to look towards the ground and search for a treat, usually near my tapping foot. I haven't worked on any other commands. I think she knows what crate and bed mean (that we want her to go to those locations), but she doesn't follow the commands without a treat being guaranteed. 

Abbie has gained 7 lb since her first vet appointment (20lb --> 27lb). She's growing so fast. Most people we see out and about comment on the size of her huge paws. Avery says "her little paws are adorable." She's free feeder and typically doesn't eat the whole bowl at one time. The exception to this is when I put salmon oil on her food. I bought it to help with her coat and the small amount of dandruff she has. She LOVES it. My strategy now is to put it on a cup of food. Then put more food in the bowl without the oil. This prevents her from chowing down on all the food and will hopefully enable us to continue to free feed.  

The puppy in her is out, loud and proud. She's testing boundaries all over the place. Jumping up to eat scrambled eggs off my desk; jumping on the bed and knocking over water glass on the night table; D's lost three socks and I've lost one; the living room carpet has been further damaged with pulling of it up a bit; the cheap rugs in front of the doors in the kitchen will need to be replaced once she's fully potty trained. I'm still head over heels in love with her, so all this just makes me smile. 

Me

I've known for a while that I do best when I'm on some sort of routine, but not so strict that I want to rebel against it. It's a balancing act. With daily dog walks back in my life, it makes establishing a routine easier for me. I've implemented a few "rules" for myself to make my mornings more productive. First, no computer time until after Avery's been dropped off at school, the kitchen and living room have been cleaned, and Abbie has been walked (assuming the plan is to walk her in the morning versus a planned afternoon walk). I'm also doing my best to keep on top of clutter in the house so it doesn't build up. Discipline in these areas is not a strength (shocking, I know). So far so good. It's been a week and all is going well. 

I am obsessed with Scramble and Seinfeld reruns at the moment. I can watch Seinfeld reruns and play at the same time since I don't have to pay full attention to the episode to know what is going on. 

I'd forgotten how special the relationship with a dog can be. Abbie and I have truly bonded. I love seeing her, I love feeling proud when she learns a new command, I love that she wants to be with me. I just love her I guess. I'm also talking about Eddie and Turtle all the time as a result of her arrival. She reminds me of all the wonderful things about Eddie in particular. It has always been easier to remember Turtle's great traits since the end came so quickly for her. With Eddie, I needed time to forget the last couple of years that just go progressively harder. 

Job

I've decided to get a part-time job. I don't want it to be stressful or at the level which I was previously working. The salary is unimportant to me, as is status. I just want something that is outside of the house and which gives me some sense of myself aside from mother and wife and CEO of CdT. Somehow I think that last title will not get me a job. I've found a few jobs to apply for, though I expect it'll take a while given how long I've not worked. I'm working on my resume now and hope to submit it to two different companies later today. While I don't relish the idea of a job search and interview process, I am excited about this change. --- Saturday

As far as what will happen with Avery's schedule, clearly that will depend upon what hours I'll be working. I asked Mom if she'd be interested in taking over some of the functional duties of Avery care such as driving to and from activities and sitting at times when I'm at work. She said yes. We have to pay her because neither D nor I would feel right not paying her for regular childcare and nanny-type duties. Mom managed to negotiate her hourly wage lower than the original offer. That woman has some skills! 

Random

I'm having a new deadbolt put on our front door. The current one just gives us so much trouble that I figured I'd just put on a new one. At the same time, I'm having retractable screen doors installed on both the front door and the door to the patio. It'll be nice to be able to keep the doors open in the summer while Avery is outside playing. Plus the benefit of fresh air. I'm more likely to open a door than a window for some reason. 

I'm obsessed with Diet Dr. Pepper at the moment. 

The day we picked up Abbie from the breeder (oh the guilt that I bought a dog from a breeder, but I wanted a GS damn it!) my navigation system failed me. We got lost in the vicinity of the house, but were basically driving in circles around the house. Anyway, whilst doing that we saw a camel just hanging out in this front yard. A camel. Last night at dinner, a coworker of D's was talking about driving somewhere near Canby when he saw some woman walking a lion. You leave Portland and you never know what oddities you'll see. Full face tattoos have nothing on walking a lion along a road, imho. 

Whale vomit. Who knew? 

week(4) 2013

Week 4, January 20 - January 26

random

I just rearranged my office, yet again. I guess my hobby is finding places to put items used in my supposed hobbies. I have a whole lot of furniture crammed in my office, but I guess an office is meant to be used. --- Sunday

D missed his flight home last night. It was a looooongg weekend, so I was not pleased. I kept wondering why this weekend was long since it's not like I haven't been with A on my own plenty of weekends. And during the week, I do almost all the childcare because of D's schedule. The I realized it's because of Abbie. Abbie is like having a toddler in the house. A toddler who fascinates and scares Avery. It's not Avery I need a break from, it's Abbie. As I always say, it's a good thing puppies are so damn cute. --- Monday

Abbie

Abbie has two beds: one is in the living room in front of the fire place; the other is in my office under my desk. She has three crates: one in my car; one in our bedroom (where she sleeps at night); one in the kitchen. We have plenty o' places for her to sleep and relax. You can see where my priorities lie. She also has a bin full of toys kept in the living room. 

Crate training is going a little better. Last night I was able to put her in the crate in the kitchen and leave the room to go upstairs to read to Avery. Every other attempt at this has resulted in her crying and whining the entire time I'm gone. This time, she did it for about 1-2 minutes, then settled down quietly. --- Sunday

Potty training is not going well. Poop accidents are now happening. Just when it seems as if progress could be happening, we take two steps back. Sigh. I could analyze with this is so, but instead I shall sit here and feel sorry for myself. The one highlight of all this is that she's good at night. I can put her in the crate at 9/10 (or whenever I go to bed) and she can make it until at least 6 without whining to get out. Yesterday she made it past 7. So at least there's that. --- Monday

PT continued ... After a horrible 24+ hours of several pee and poop accidents in the house, Abbie, for the first time, scratched the door to go outside to pee.  I am obsessed with the thought of getting the carpet cleaners in here. While I'm not a germaphobe (RHG can attest to this) the thought of having urine and poo in my carpet for any length of time (despite my cleaning of such spots) grosses me out. I was so grateful when today's earlier poop accident at least happened on the hardwoods. I guess I should also be thankful that Abbie seems to handle most food without intestinal distress (fingers crossed that remains true). --- Monday

After a horrible three days of Abbie potty training, D arrived home from his trip and said we're doing it D's way now. So it's in the crate or outside for Abbie until she learns where to potty. I've amended it to be she can be inside with me on the leash. --- Tuesday 

Potty training is getting somewhat better, but she's still not there. Last night, in the evening, let her our of her crate to go outside. She made a beeline to avoid the door and then peed on the kitchen floor as a result. She is currently asleep underneath my desk. Lest you think she spends her whole life in her crate, she gets to go with me on most trips, we do at least once daily walks, she is near me when I'm on the computer (either on her bed or under my desk), and we have puppy play sessions where she just tears through the house like a crazy puppy.  --- Thursday 

Christie came over yesterday to help me out with introducing Abbie and Barkley. Since Barkley is a bit weird around Mom sometimes (protective isn't exactly the right word - more like he's less predictable with other dogs maybe because her attention is diverted? who knows), I decided that I didn't want Mom to be there when Abbie and Barkley met. Mom took Avery and Henry to the park while Christie walked Barkley and I walked Abbie. The meeting between the two was just fine. The walk with the two was just fine. The playing in the yard was just fine. All was just fine. At one point, I left Abbie and Barkley out on the deck and came inside. I was watching them when I saw Abbie get all scared of Barkley. However, nothing Barkley did should have caused this. He's good about not pursuing her if she is backing away from him. Anyway, I now I have no worries about having the two of them here together. They'll usually be apart anyway since Barkley prefers to be outside and Abbie prefers to be anywhere I am. --- Monday

week(3) 2013

Week 3, January 13 - January 19

I'm going to try something new, which is to keep most other posts isolated to a single topic. I've struggled with that in the past, but I do think it would make it easier to read, for me and other people. To attempt to achieve this, but still maintain my need and desire to blog the mundane (which I do so enjoy going back to read x years later), I'm going to blog that in a weekly post. We'll see how it goes. Who knows if I'll bother to add. This may be the only post since I'm not great at sticking with these things.  Here goes. I tried breaking it down by day first, but by topic seems more readable. I'll be experimenting with various formats, I'm sure. You'll be patient or just not read.

Abbie

Abbie and I, along with Mom, attended a controlled puppy socialization playgroup. It was very interesting and well worth the money I paid. I bought a punch card for at least 4 other groups, so we (Abbie & I) will be going to those. --- Sunday

Abbie and I walked a total of 2.6 miles. In the morning we did a cemetery walk. In the afternoon, while Avery was in her dance classes, we walked around the neighborhood near the studio. Abbie is such a good walker. It's a much different experience to walking challenging, pulling dogs.  --- Wednesday

I was able to attend another session for the controlled puppy socialization playgroup. This time, I went to the <25lb group. The first session was with 25-50lb puppies. Abbie wasn't quite ready for that yet. She's not fearful exactly, but she's underconfident. This playgroup was even more beneficial. I find it amazing that, by the end of the session, all the puppies are in the same room, off leash, and quite calm with each other. Abbie even played with a little black lab puppy who was much more confident than she. While I obviously don't yet know how these playgroups will affect Abbie's personality or interaction with other dogs, I will definitely seek out this type of group with any other puppies I may have in the (distant, distant) future. --- Friday

Avery

Avery did her second violin lesson in order to decide between taking violin lessons or piano lessons. She has been requesting both. Summary: the violin teacher was sick, sent her brother in her place, he didn't have the right size violin for Avery, since he was to be her piano teacher anyway, he did some piano lessons too, Avery chose piano lessons. Weekly piano lessons will start on Friday.  --- Monday

Avery and Henry have both progressed quite far with their swimming. It's rather awesome to watch.  --- Tuesday

Today I watched Nolan after school. First, we all hit Burgerville since I'd not eaten. Next we went to New Seasons. There was no race car shopping cart available, so the kids had to settle for being in the main part of a regular shopping cart. As I pushed them around shopping, they pretended it was a pirate ship and they were hoisting sails, etc. I gotta say, they have the lingo down better than I do. After the grocery store, we all went to Pet Smart with Abbie. And finally, before heading back to the G house, we took a quick walk in a park with Abbie.  --- Thursday

I realized that Avery's shoulders were well above her shoulder straps. It's been this way a while, but I kept forgetting to ask my resident carseat safety expert (RHG) if that meant I should switch her to using the car seat belt versus the built in harness. Anyway, yes, it does. So I disassembled the car seat, removed the straps, put it back in the car, and presented Avery with her new buckling system: the car's seat belt. She was quite excited. And it's nice that she can now fully buckle herself in and out. She was able to do everything except release the bottom buckle on the harness of the seat (it is a really strong button you have to push just right). Another milestone. --- Thursday

Avery's first official piano lesson! After not even wanting to sit next to her teacher, David, during the trial session, she kept saying all day, "I get to see David!" She seemed to enjoy it quite a bit, remembered where middle C was, as well as how to identify all the other C keys on the piano. We'll see how it goes. --- Friday

misc

The Gs did a brunch date. Mimi slept the entire time. I sat by the fire playing on my phone while Avery, Elise, and Nolan played upstairs requiring very little effort on my part. That is an ideal babysitting session, tyvm.  --- Sunday

random

• Having Abbie has made me fall in love with my sweet ride (aka my minivan) all over again. It's so easy to get her in and out of the crate in the back. I can easily take her everywhere without dealing with a mess. I can fit all three kids (Elise, Nolan, and Avery) in the car along with her crate. So nice. I do love functionality. 
• We're in the midst of vacation planning for the year. We already have a long weekend trip to Cabo booked with the leadership team at D's office (sans Avery) in late February. I've never been to Cabo despite its relative proximity to Loreto. Our annual Vegas trip is, as always, on our radar, hopefully for July. We're also going to join Vic & Mike & Bear in the US Virgin Islands in April. I've never been there, so I'm quite excited to see someplace new. I'm also hoping to go to Loreto in May, but that may be pushing it a bit. I doubt D can join us for that trip, unless he works from Loreto part of the time. What to do with Abbie during these trips is the question. Ah well, it'll work out. 
• D is in Colorado for the weekend. I am so bored. I'm trying to think of how things would be different were he here. The answer is not much, but I wouldn't be bored. 
• My friend and neighbor, and mother of Lily, had her third baby girl yesterday. New baby! They named her Sadie Jeanne. She looks like a combination of her sisters. I can rarely see parental resemblance in babies, but siblings stand out. Funnily, I sent her an email that very day asking, among other things, when she was due. I thought for sure it wasn't until end of February.