Ass

The Ass Story History

In my labeling frenzy, I went looking for a particular antidote anecdote₁ that I recalled writing about, but couldn't find it in the blog.  I search my blog by searching my email due to a bug with the search functionality on the blog itself.  Anyway, I realized that I didn't actually blog this story at the time, but rather emailed to a few friends.  Now that I'm way less paranoid about what I reveal about myself, I figured I'd put it on up here for historical purposes ... and because I think it's funny.

The Ass Story - December 2006

About three weeks ago, I'm in the shower and I am soaping up and I find a lump, but not in my boob ... in my butt (not internally as D thought I meant, at which time he asked, "Why did you have your finger up there?" rather than, "Oh my god! Does it hurt?" or some other such reaction.)  Basically, to make this description as quick and painless as possible for all of us, it is near the poop shoot.  Anyway, I get online and I read that this is likely a hemorrhoid and should go away in 3-5 days.  This doesn't make a whole lot of sense as I have no issues that cause those, but hey, stranger things have happened.  I leave it and forget about it.  I realize this week that it's still there and find this odd.  So I immediately jump to the idea that I've got ass cancer, which was the next thing on the list of my Internet research (anal cancer, to be more exact, but I'd already decided I would refer to it as ass cancer ... it would be my "isn't she funny, she can still make jokes" thing that showed I was a Survivor) - I should get this checked out. 

I go into a doctor, I explain, she takes a look/feel, has me roll over, and then tells me that it's a lump of fat cells.  I have a fat ass.  I went to the doctor because I have a fat ass.  I actually said that to her, "So what you're saying is I have a fat ass."  I got a good laugh.  I told D this later that day and he just couldn't stop laughing at the idea that I didn't know what fat on my ass would feel like.  In my defense, it's hard fat, not cellulite-y fat.  I know exactly what cellulite-y fat feels like.

Anyway, I was reading and article online and saw this definition: CYBERCHONDRIA: "A headache and a particular rash at the same time? Extensive online research tells you it must be cancer."  I was reminded about my episode.  I also suffer from several of the other ones, but I'm not saying which ones.

₁ I seriously typed antidote. *thwack!*  But aren't you impressed with my subscripting?

Etiquette

Babysitter Etiquette 101 

The other night when we had Melanie come over to sit Avery, we dutifully prepared Avery's dinner.  Then we said goodbye to Melanie.  Then we came home and realized that we didn't have any dinner for Melanie!  *Thwack!* [sound of hand hitting forehead].  Clearly, we need to take a class in babysitter etiquette.  We were both mortified when we realized we'd forgotten such a basic thing.  Who would ask someone to babysit and then not provide them food?  Apparently, us.  I always remember to have something for dinner for Mom when she's here and watches Avery for us (which is unusual since she usually comes with us on date night), but it totally slipped my mind for Melanie.

Ah well, it's a good lesson to learn because I won't soon forget it.

Results

Eddie's Bloodwork

Happily, Eddie's bloodwork looks excellent.  He's in great health with the exception of his back end.  He probably has some nerves along his spinal cord that are dying (not uncommon in German Shepherds), thereby causing some of the pooping issues and his foot dragging along walks.  So, we are supposed to continue with the increased fiber diet to see if that helps.  I'm also going to buy him some booties for his hind paws for when we're on walks so he doesn't experience pain when he drags his paws. 

Argh

I thought I was doing better with the anxiety/depression stuff, but today has just been exhausting again.  And my breathing problems, which had been absent during this round, have shown up again.  Damn.

Teacher Mary Carlya

Yep, I've been calling Avery's teacher by the wrong name.  How embarrassing.  It's been, what?, a month since I've been calling the school about her and talking to her.  She corrected me yesterday.  

Annoyed

Not Great

Today has not been so great.  Nothing major.  I am just feeling very annoyed with things that shouldn't be getting under my skin.  Example: a fellow Loreto Bay homeowner - whom I've never met, emailed, or spoken to - friended me on Facebook a while back because I'm the administrator of a group on FB of Loreto Bay homeowners.  I accepted and dumped her into my "lesser view" category.  However, I keep getting invites from her to become a fan of her FB page.  She's a Realtor in San Diego.  Why would I become a fan of a business I've never used? In another state? Yeah, not going to happen.  I just unfriended her due to annoyance.

I took the dogs for a walk and it started raining half way through.  Do you think I brought a coat or anything?  No.  Of course not.  That would be too smart. 

Date Nights

Elise and Nolan will arrive in an hour or so for the G's date night.

Last night was our date night.  We went to see Kick Ass.  It was a good movie that I enjoyed, but it was shockingly violent. I don't really mind violence in movies, but wasn't mentally prepared for this movie to have that much violence.  The movie could have so easily turned out to be dreadful for any number of reasons.  I think good directing and good casting are largely responsible for its success. 

Farmers Market

I went to the Portland Farmers Market this morning while D took Avery to the gym with him.  I don't belong at these places.  I love the concept, but not so much the actual being there.  Too many people.  I can't enjoy myself with so many people around me when I'm actually trying to look for things.  If I were just there to go to a specific stall (that I knew of in advance and I knew exactly what I planned to get), I would be fine, but the browsing is not for me.  I also didn't have much of a plan, so I came home with perhaps the most ridiculous assortment of items ever: 

• enough new potatoes for one meal
• one bunch of flowers
• one serving of frozen buffalo meat
• three red onions
• four stalks of rhubarb
• one bag of bagels 

Seriously?  I look at it typed out and it's even dumber than when I looked in my bag.  Gah.

I went because I had a goal of buying more vegetables at farmers markets this year.  I think what I will do is wait for the Hillsdale Market to get in full swing for the summer and then tag along with RHG when she goes and have her show me all the places she's already determined to be best for produce.  RHG, I'm inviting myself along for a future visit.  If that doesn't result in me not finding it to be a miserable experience, then I shall just have to admit I'm someone who wants to like the farmers market, but will never be the person who does.

Mad Men & other TV

D and I watched the third season of Mad Men over the past couple of weeks.  It took me a while to warm up to the show, mostly because the men are total pigs, but now I can't wait for season four. 

D and I TiVo'd the first episode of Treme on HBO.  It's done by the same people who did The Wire, one of my all-time favorite shows, so I figured I'd give it a whirl.  However, what I didn't realize was how much I need subtitles for these shows.  We used the subtitles all through The Wire and Mad Men.  Rescue Me's lame DVD's didn't have subtitles.  I don't catch half of what is said otherwise.  Part of it is the dialect, but I think a lot is that my hearing must be damaged enough that background noise makes it difficult to hear what's being said.  It's an argument for surround sound, but I don't care enough about surround sound to spend the money on it, so we'll have to figure something else out.  I would suggest that HBO is stupid for not airing episodes with subtitles in a few middle of the night time-slots, but I am pretty sure D and I are of a select few who use subtitles on shows already in English.

Bloggable Conversations

Stages of conversational topics between a couple walking down a hotel hallway to their room:

Pre-Marriage: Passion
Both: Oh, I can't wait to get into the room! Come on! Hurry up!!!

Year 1 of Marriage: Romance
Spouse 1: I love you so much.
Spouse 2: I love you too. We're so lucky to have found each other.
Spouse 1: Indeed.

Year 2 of Marriage: Restful Vacations
Spouse 1: It's nice to get away from home.
Spouse 2: Indeed. I wonder how the dogs/kids are doing?
Spouse 1: Just fine I'm sure.

Year 3 of Marriage: General Observation
Spouse 1: This is a nice hotel.
Spouse 2: Sure is.

Year 4 of Marriage: Bad Odor Avoidance Planning
Spouse 1: I call the bathroom.
Spouse 2: Wait, you don't have to poop do you?
Spouse 1: No, not right now. [Pause] Do you?
Spouse 2: No.
Spouse 1: Good, because I might have to go again later and I don't want it to stink.

Bad Idea: Dates for Dinner

I ate a bunch of dates tonight for "dinner." It was a bad idea and now the dogs and I are paying for it. I tried to blame it on them, but since they know they didn't fart, it must be me. Proud to say I can still clear a room when I need to, even if it is just me and the dogs hoping we can return quickly. I'm thinking about eating a bunch of dried fruit and then attending a indoor pro-Bush rally - I'll clear that room so fast! My own little political statement of sorts. He he he he.