week(14) 2013

week 14, March 31 - April 6

random

It worked! My paperless transition and scanning and filing method worked! And it was way more efficient than if I'd had to find the paper. When the washing machine malfunctioned causing the water damage, I wanted to see if this sort of thing would be an exclusion in our policy (it's not - whew), so I typed a few key words into my search box and it immediately found our insurance policy. It didn't find it based on the file name, but rather by searching the contents of the PDF because I OCR'd all the documents. Yes, I'm very pleased with myself. 

depression ...
... or should I say lack of depression? The past 7 + days have been quite good, both relative to my current situation and overall. The most important factors to this change:

• mindfulness; redirecting thoughts into the present; staying out of the past and the future; meditation
• medication
• exercise
• lack of excessive added sugar

That's the list of things I'm very confident have a direct impact on my current mood, as well as staving off - or at least minimizing or shortening the length of - future depressive episodes*. Changes I've made that I'm not overly confident sway the depression one way or the other, but that I think are good changes:

• regular sleep schedule. I'm not sleeping even close to through the night at the moment, but I know from past experience that this could very well just be because a habit has built up of waking every hour or so. Nonetheless, even with restless sleep, I think the regular schedule works for me.
• cutting out Diet Coke. This means I don't drink any pop/soda because I mostly drank Diet Coke. I know this directly affects my sugar intake since when I drink Diet Coke, tend to eat less healthy (i.e. more sugary) things. 

* I have a whopping sample size of 1 to say this, but it was a stark difference from usual, so I'm going to optimistically assume this minimizing/shortening will prove true in the future.

********
I had one bad 1/2 day this week, however, everyone has bad days, particularly when life is stressful. This is one aspect of my "manage my depression better!" campaign that frustrates me. How to differentiate between normal and not normal. My therapist says it doesn't matter, and I'm quite sure that's what my depression book is saying too. What you're feeling is what you're feeling. Feel it. Gah. I still wish there were some test I could take that would definitively show that depression is real and that some people are simply more prone to it than others. I love literal gray; I hate figurative gray.

exercise

My walk/runs with Abbie are still going well. Somedays are tricky to fit it into the schedule. The run itself isn't long, but I have to consider where I'm going afterward (i.e. will I need to shower immediately?) and where Avery is.

The current snag with the runs is that my left foot/ankle is really hurting. It's the ankle I injured in HS rock climbing (that sounds really bad ass, but I fell after scaling maybe 10 feet - too much slack in the rope and I sprained my ankle). The top and outer edge of my foot hurts along with the ankle. I've noticed that it's not too bad getting up the big hill, but once I start any descent - even minor ones - my foot immediately hurts. My plan is to look up and do strengthening exercises for ankles and feet, eliminate all downhill running from my walk/run. If this has no effect after a week or two, or if the pain gets significantly worse, I'll go to the doctor. What I do not want to happen is a complete break from the big uphill run. I hate it at the bottom, but I love it at the top. Plus, I've developed some pretty good thigh muscles. And I fit into my old clothes. Not the old, old clothes when I was quite small, but the ones I was wearing several years ago. I'll take it. --- Wednesday

I tried running only the flat & uphill parts. That works much better. I still have pain, but it's not the kind where I think I should really not be doing this. --- Saturday

Abbie

Abbie had her first of five boarding school days yesterday.  I think it went great. She was tired afterward (always a good thing). And the trainer said she was one of the best German Shepherds she'd ever worked with. Great temperament, great with other dogs, not at all aggressive, a bit on the shy side, but not too much to worry about. She seemed better yesterday afternoon, but I'm quite sure that was the tiredness. We'll see how the other sessions affect her.  --- Friday

I'm sure this is just me convincing myself that the money is worth it, but Abbie does seem better able to settle herself down near me. And she doesn't freak out quite so much when I leave her sight. For example, when I go into the garage and close the door behind me, she's always scratched at the door trying to open it (twice resulting in locking me out). I tried this a few times yesterday (because Barkley is here for the weekend and the dogs have had a few scuffles) and she didn't jump up on the door once. Again, not a big enough sample size to truly know anything, but it's better than nothing. --- Saturday

week(13) 2013

week 13, March 24 - 30

mish-mash 

I did a longer walk with Abbie this morning than I did yesterday. She seems ready to resume all normal activity so the next 6 days of low activity with her is going to be tough. Following that walk, I did my walk/jog. I'm jogging more than I'm walking now. The lunges I added ~5 days ago are sticking. I do them in an area where it's really hard for others to see so I don't feel quite so silly. I mean, I think doing lunges in public is perfectly acceptable, but I would still prefer to do them in private when I have a dog pulling me off to smell various piles of dirt. --- Sunday

22 minutes! That's what I walked/ran my 2 mile route around the cemetery today. So it's an 11 minute mile, but that includes running up those damn hills and periods of walking to do lunges and avoid running down the super steep parts (I don't want to injure myself and there's no reason to go downhill if I don't want to). Oh and I only rested once for about 10 seconds on the whole way up the hill. The elevation of the main hill is a change of 233' for a distance of 1486'. I think that might mean the grade of the hill is 16%, but damned if I know. All I know is that I'm stoked it was that fast. I thought I'd be lucky if the whole route was under 30 minutes.  I only have Tuesday - Friday of this week to see if I can maintain or improve that because once Abbie joins me again, I'll be slower and unable to calculate what *I* did versus what she wanted to sniff. --- Monday

I'm proud to report that I did my run even without Abbie everyday this week. I would walk Abbie about a mile before so she could get exercise without pushing it after her surgery. Then I would drop her back at home and go out on my own. Go me!  There are still days where it is the last thing I want to do, but I'm always glad I did it. Pre-Run Megan just has to remember that Post-Run Megan is at least twice as happy and productive as Pre-Run Megan. --- Saturday

Abbie and I did well in training class today. Well, until about 15 minutes left in class then she was just d.o.n.e. Once she hits her done point, there's nothing I can do other than try to keep her quiet for the rest of the class. I also signed her up for five weeks of 1 day/week training with a trainer. I decided it was worth the money to lift this huge burden from my mind. All I can keep thinking about is having a huge GS who doesn't listen and is out of control. I'm working with her as much as I can, but as I've said, it's hard right now. After those are over, she'll (probably) go to the dog camp once a week. I'm going to check it out next Thursday to make sure I'm OK with how it's run and how the dogs are transported, etc.  --- Tuesday

I think Abbie's spay surgery did actually calm her down a very slight amount. That's what I'm telling myself anyway. I'm looking forward to this coming Thursday when she'll have her first day of boarding school training. 

Avery

This week was her spring break from school. We had a couple of playdates with Henry and Christie; Avery had a couple at the G's house; Elise came over for a sleepover. In general, a pretty laid back week.  

Her writing and reading are developing quickly. She can write out sentences and cards without help by sounding out the letters. I had this thing I wanted to scan that she wrote in her room (with no grown ups around). It was leaps and bounds beyond where she was even two weeks ago. It's very cool to watch this stage of learning. And she's so excited to learn to read. She loves to make cards and books for people. Because she's left handed, her books are assembled backward, but who cares?! :) 

During a playdate, she found one of my old shirts that I never wore. It was a buy from a Lucy warehouse sale, so great quality at a very cheap price. However, it just never looked good on me. Anyway, she put it on as a dress and came up to me and said, "Mama, can you sew this to make it more fashionable?" I happened to have my sewing machine out at that point, so a sewing I went and it does indeed look more fashionable. 

depression/anxiety

I realized yesterday that, in all my recent depression and anxiety, there are been one sign of anxiety absent. I've had no breathing problems. This has traditionally been one of the most obvious and first signs of oncoming bouts of depression and/or anxiety. But it hasn't shown up. It shows up slightly if I'm talking about it not showing up, but doesn't stay past the mention of it. Credit to the mindfulness practices? Probably. I still have one huge anxiety outlet that I would love to get rid of: clenching, grinding and cheek chewing. My cheeks are shredded. It doesn't hurt, but it surely can't be good for them. The clenching is mostly at night and I wear my night guard most nights to minimize the grinding. It's really hard to get something in check when you're asleep. --- Sunday

Today has been a good day all day. I've had to, as I and everyone else always will (if you are to believe in this method), redirect myself to be mindful throughout the day, but I think I'm doing it more quickly now than before. That is, I'm recognizing when I've gone into "doing" mode and shift myself back to "being" mode. It kills me how new age-y this stuff all sounds, but it's working and it's helping immensely so I shall wear it proud like I drive my minivan proudly. Embrace the shame!   --- Tuesday

Most of the week was very good in terms of depression. I have my moments where I'm pushing through a bit, but not moments where I know pushing through is a bad thing. It's a fine line to walk, but I feel as if I'm getting a better sense for where that line is for me. I do feel like things are stabilizing

water. lots of water.

On Sunday, I started a load of laundry after a very productive morning of cleaning. Quite pleased with myself, I sat down in my office for a break. I then heard Abbie whining in her crate with more zest than usual as well as something that sounded like a popping sound. I walked into the living room to find water pouring out of one of the flood light sockets and a huge puddle of water underneath. The water was running down the walls and everywhere. I ran upstairs and shut down the washing machine. The floor up there was flood too. I threw down some sheets, which in hindsight is silly given how very much water there was. I can't imagine they did any good. 

After shutting the washer down, I Googled "water emergency clean up portland" and called the first provider I saw. They were at the house about 45 minutes later to start the clean up and dry out process. 

I filed an insurance claim on Monday. The damages should be covered, minus the deductible, so at least there's probably that). The washing machine was fixed on Wednesday. The carpets on both levels are dried, but missing carpet padding beneath them. The carpet in the living room seems unsalvageable to me, but we'll see what the insurance company says.  

After the initial shock of seeing water pouring out of the ceiling, the rest of the week was easy enough to deal with. I cried a bit on Sunday over it. 

week(12) 2013

week 12, March 17 - 23

Today's walk/run with Abbie went well. I, again, ran all three uphill segments in the cemetery, as well as sprinting up a smaller uphill portion on the way home. I also added some lunges to our trek along one of the flatter parts of the walk. --- Sunday

The GoldieBlox that I pre-ordered for Avery arrived recently. This morning Avery and I tried it out. It's somewhat interesting, but I'm not sure how much of its goal it achieves. Avery was engaged, but happy to move onto the next activity after about 15 minutes or so.--- Sunday

When everyone in your life, including your therapist, says you should wait on something - in this case a job search or job training - I suppose it's good to follow their advice. So I'm waiting just a bit before I concentrate on that. I have to deal with the depression and adjust to my new reality a bit before I take the next huge step. Part of me feels that indicates I'm not serious about going back to work, but most of me knows that it actually means the opposite. I have to learn to manage the depression and heal the current wounds before moving on to such a big undertaking. In the meantime, I'm concentrating on doing small things that I simply don't want to do just because it helps prevent the downward spiral of depression. Perhaps it's more accurate to say that it helps me climb up every so slightly each day. --- Thursday

Right now, per my therapist's advice, I'm doing something I used to enjoy doing before this round of depression hit hard recently: I'm making stuff using my Silhouette. I'm making card cutouts for D and me to put in Avery's lunch each day when one of us makes it. Avery loves cards and notes, so hopefully it'll make her feel special and loved, as she is. --- Thursday

Abbie had her spay surgery yesterday. She did well, though was quite groggy and out of it last night. Not to mention whiney. The whininess hasn't stopped, but she is back to her mischief seeking self. The cone of shame limits the amount of mischief she can get into, but mischief she will make, I assure you. The vet also found she has a pretty big ulcer on the bottom of her tongue. In an older dog, she would think cancer, but given Abbie's age it's probably due to some sort of trauma. She's on antibiotics for it and the vet will check it again when we return for our 7 day post-surgery check up. --- Saturday  

Sometimes there is something I want a text reminder about, but it's not something I want noted on my regular calendar. I could schedule it as an all-day event, but I tend to gloss over those. My default for calendar events on my main calendar is no reminders. Therefore, I were I to enter these one-off items on that calendar, I would always have to change the reminder to be an SMS reminder. Then it occurred to me that I could create a calendar specifically for texts. I set the default reminder to be SMS at 1 minute before the event. On my phone, I set texts coming from Google Calendar to be a particular text tone so I know what type of text is coming in. Perfect. Examples of how I use this: Abbie medication. She's got a ton of medication right now after her surgery, in addition to regular flea/tick/heartworm medication and preventative (de?)worming stuff. I have to remember what days and times to do all these things. Now I just enter them as items on my text calendar and boom! automatic text reminders. It all sounds complicated, but it's really not and the system is working perfectly for me. I do love a good system. 

depression

Always deserving of its own category is my ongoing management of my depression. This week and the end of last were the first in a while where I truly felt the pull of the downward spiral into full-on depression. That's the one where I find it really hard to get out of bed, really hard to function, really hard to feel anything, and just really hard to be. I followed my therapist's advice, as well as that in my depression book, and used "gentle compassion" with myself and tried not to judge myself harshly. In part because of others' reactions to my depression - as well as my own - in the past, this has been a difficult task. I think it'll take quite a while before the harsh judgement of myself for having/suffering/succumbing to depression will dissipate to be replaced by acceptance and action to minimize the downward spiral while giving myself a break (more so mentally than physically).

Monday was bad, but Tuesday was when it really hit me like a truck. I decided to follow advice and just take it easy all day and not Push Through to prove my strength or my motivation to work on this issue. I asked Mom to drive Avery to school, then I did about an hour of meditation, and took a morning nap. This required I miss Abbie's puppy class, so I did have to work on forgiving myself for that. For the afternoon, after I'd given myself such a break, I forced myself to not give into the desire to check-out too much and picked Avery up at school. She had an appointment with her therapist. It was her first solo appointment with Mariah. Originally I was to come back to the appointment with about 20 minutes to spare in the session to join them, but when I got there, Avery wanted to continue with the solo session. Whatever they talked about really helped Avery. She was moody and sulky before going into therapy and came out happy and, for lack of a better word, lighter. While Avery was in with Mariah, I took Abbie for a walk around the neighborhood, which eased my guilt a bit about not doing the puppy class or our usual walk/jog. 

Wednesday was again pretty rough. I had therapy in the morning which was a difficult session. Mom picked Avery up from school and spent the afternoon with her. Here is where I don't have any guilt. Avery had the best time with Nain. They baked cupcakes to give to Avery's teachers the next day. The often go on walks to the park together and just have a great time. I'm not sure what I'd be doing right now, given the current situation, without the knowledge that Avery has this steady person she can depend on and whom she loves so, and who loves her. Mom had to make a number of sacrifices to move here last year. They have been difficult for her and others, but right now I am so very, very grateful that they were made. I don't know how I'll ever pay Mom back. Thank you, Mom. I love you. /sap (that means "end sap" in semi-code-y-techie language). We shall never speak of this sap in person, tyvm. 

Thursday morning, after I dropped Avery at school, Amber came over to do the dog walk with me. Thank goodness. I'm quite sure I wouldn't have been able to do it otherwise. It got the day off to a better start. While not quite pulling out of the spiral, I believe it halted my further descent for the day. Avery and I also had dinner with the Gs that night. RHG baked gluten-free biscuits for me, so now I drive around with an "I ♥ RHG" bumpersticker on my sweet ride. 

Friday we had some climbing up from the spiral! Yipee! I had to leave the house early to get Abbie into the vet by 7:45 for her spay surgery. Avery and I headed to the G's house early, waited a while, then headed out with Nolan to take the kids to school. After dropping them off, I intended to do the a walk/jog (obviously sans Abbie) immediately, but I didn't. The pull was strooonnng. So I let myself nap. However, upon waking from that short nap, I got up, ate a little food, then I did the walk/jog. This is a major, major success. Not only did I do it without the motivation of "I must take the dog" but I did it after I'd mentally written it off for the day. I felt oh-so-much better after that. Mom picked up Avery from school, so I picked Avery up from her house, headed to the vet's office to pick up Abbie, then drove to the G's to pick up Elise for a sleepover. We dyed Easter eggs and the girls played. I tried to get them to sleep in Avery's room together and failed miserably at that. They both ended up in my bed. They are both pretty darn cute when sleeping, I'll say that. 

This morning, Saturday, I woke up feeling quite good. Abbie's driving me crazy with her whining, but I've been able to contain that annoyance with a good attitude that hasn't impacted the kids or my attitude for the day. Again, major milestone. I can't take Abbie on her usual walk/jog, so I did it alone, then came back for a short walk with Abbie. Midway through the day and I'm feeling strong and up. No downward spiral pull. That doesn't mean I'm through this bout, of course, but it does mean that I'm learning how to deal with the pull a little better. 

The rest of this weekend will be a test for me, but I feel strong going into it. Instead of loading up on activities with friends as I did last weekend, I am planning to spend it alone. The alone part of things doesn't worry me. The balance of being gentle with myself but not shutting down is the key. Baby steps. 

weeks(7-10) 2013

Weeks 7-10, February 10 - March 9

Life changes quickly. 2013 sucks royally for me and many of my friends and their families. It's going to be the toughest year of my life regardless of the outcome (no questions on this, please). I'm taking it day by day, hour by hour. Some days are quite good, relatively speaking; other days are agony filled with confusion and anger and sadness and bewilderment. But as I keep telling myself, onward and better.

Avery
Avery's reading and writing has exploded. One day she's just writing her name, the next day she comes out of room having written a "book." The words are all squished together and spelled phonetically, often missing vowels, but it amazes me how many of them I can read. Her drawing is also improving quite a bit, though she still doesn't draw bodies on her people (arms and legs all come out of the head).

Activities for the start of the new session of things will be one dance class - jazz/tap - rather than two classes. We are hoping to do another semi-private swimming session with Henry, but we won't find out about that until today since they don't let you know until the last day of the current session. We've discontinued piano due to lack of practicing and that I didn't at all like her teacher. Kung fu is still on hiatus.

Abbie
Oh, where to begin? She's smart. She can open the door to let herself in within 2-3 attempts if the door is unlocked. This is a door that you push to open. She has TWICE locked me out of the house by trying to open the door from the kitchen to the garage (which is a pull to open door from that direction). This happens when she tries the same method she uses with the push door, then hits the lock. All I can say is I must have sensed this was coming since just the week before the first incident I had an electronic deadbolt installed on our front door. 

Oh, and I was talking to my therapist about the challenges of being responsible for a GS puppy with a 5yo in the house and other challenges. I explained how I'd have an adult greyhound right now if I'd gone with what *I* truly wanted. But I didn't. I went with what D wanted and here I am with a GS puppy. I compared how much easier it would be with the greyhound vs the GS. She said, "and a greyhound would be easier?" You know someone is not a dog person when they have no idea how much easier an adult greyhound is than a GS puppy. I got a good laugh from that. She's not a cat person either. I'm not sure I can trust her after finding all this out.

With all my complaining about Abbie, I do love her. When she is not in puppy mode she is so great. She's GOING to be a great dog. Just not right now. She's a constant challenge when she's not asleep.

Training is going OK. The past few weeks it's been really hard to focus on training, but I've managed to start focusing on it in the past few days. We had a good day at class on Tuesday.

She and I have been going on daily walk/jogs. I'm very proud of this and my consistency with this. I've lost about 17 pounds and gained a lot of muscle doing this. I run the major uphill portions of the route, walk the steepest downhill portions, and run most of the flat portions. Abbie likes to sniff, so there are some flat parts where I let her stop and sniff.

job
This goal has morphed due to several factors. Rather than trying to find a job just to occupy my time, I'm going to get back up to date (as much as is possible/necessary) with a particular technology solution, then look for a fulltime job in that area. I'm not sure how long this will take me. I am talking to a friend of mine (hi Aug if you're reading) who works with this technology solution (Sharepoint) on Sunday. I know I don't want to do the deep technical, architecture stuff. In discussing with D what my best options are given my strike zone and preferences, he said he sees me in a role of configuration. Summary level: lots of companies have implemented Sharepoint. Within those companies various divisions/departments are using Sharepoint and want to do x,y, or z with it, but no one knows how. That's where my theoretical role would come in. All this is very theoretical in my head. As I dive into it, I may find that it's not for me. Then I'll refocus on another technology solution until I find the right one.

personal progress on depression
A main focus in my life right now is managing my depression in a more thoughtful way for myself and those around me. Back in late January or early February, I pushed my new therapist for a diagnosis based on her 45 minutes of discussions with me. At that point, she speculated that I might have bipolar II disorder, but reserved the right to revise that once she'd had more sessions with me.

After many more sessions (twice weekly), she has said that I don't have this disorder. I'm lacking the hypomania that comes with the disorder. I do have "high" moments, but I believe these are just in such stark contrast to my depressive episodes that they just seem like hypomania to some people. I don't go out on uncontrollable binges of any sort (though I'm prone to have more fun shopping, but not out of control).  I'm glad I don't have the disorder, since no one wants such a label. But it doesn't change the work I need to do to manage my depression and its results more effectively. The work is the same with the label or without it.

I have made what I believe and feel to be significant progress in this area in the past month and half, particularly in the face of my life at the moment. Still lots of room to improve, but I am fucking proud of myself. That's right: fucking proud. :)

Changes I've made include:

• cutting out diet soda, which is often linked to depression
• cutting out most sugar. I'll still have bites of dessert now and then, and I still have sugar in my tea in the mornings, but I have easily cut my daily sugar intake by 75-80%. 
• working out (via my dog walk/jog) daily. This would have happened regardless of my focused effort on depression progress because Abbie simply needs exercise. And one of my core beliefs is that every dog deserves at least one daily walk. Probably more, but at least one. Nonetheless, it's key in getting my day going right, or putting it back on path.
• adding meditation to my daily routine. I had tried this, half heartedly, in the past, but I kept falling asleep, then I'd not see any benefit and would drop it. I can now successfully not fall asleep! Woohoo! It's really helping. 
• keeping a fairly regular sleep routine. For a while I was hitting the sack at 8 pm. Then it pushed to 9. I've now pushed it to 10 with a wake up time of 6/7, which depends on what Abbie allows on any given morning. 
• practicing mindfulness. This is from the book I'm reading, Mindful Way through Depression. It's been an amazing help. It feels like it's more helpful than therapy (though I have no intention of ceasing therapy anytime soon). 
• thinking of feelings and emotions differently. This is from the book, as well. In order to stop the downward spiral into depression that unpleasant emotions or feelings can cause, the book talks about thinking about feelings and emotions like clouds. They are not who you are, they are not fact. They are simply there, then they float away like clouds. So if something makes me feel unworthy, I feel that, think about what it makes me feel like physically, then imagine it floating away like a cloud. Because the thought is not a fact. It is just a thought. I'm still working on this, but it's a way of thinking that never occurred to me before. 

Results of changes include:

• I can't think of a time in the last couple of weeks where I've lost my temper with Avery. I've been calm and kind and not short with her. To be clear, it's not like I was yelling at her all the time or anything like that, but I would definitely get short with her quickly. 
• I feel so much better physically. My last bout with headaches was back in mid-February, and those were either tension headaches or sinus related. They definitely weren't food related. I can't explain how I know this. I just do. 
• Less rumination. Again, this is from the book. The mindfulness practice allows me to stay more in the moment, rather than replaying tapes in my mind of the past, or worrying/thinking about what the future might hold. 
• Slowing down. I'm like a terrier sometimes. I just get caught up in the chaos of a moment or wrapped up in my head with no clear idea of what's going on around me. I can't remember if the book said this would be a result, but for me, the mindfulness thing kind of allows me to step back and see the situation isn't as chaotic as it might initially feel to me.

Anyway, big changes in this area. Big and hard changes. 

Birthdate

Most Common Birth Dates
I've obviously not had any personal experience with labor. However, after seeing this chart, I think there's no way to deny that there must be some ability to control birth dates (within reason). Check out Dec. 23 - 26. And July 4 & 5. And then on a "good" holiday like Valentine's Day, there's a spike. It also makes me think that Sara just knew what dates she wanted her kids born on, so she made it happen.

I'd like to see this chart using BD data from 2002 - present. I wonder if Sept 11 sees a sharp drop due to what I presume to be an undesirable delivery date? FYI, these data for these dates is from 1973-1999 in the US.

Fighting the Slide 
I'm currently fighting a downward slide to depression. It's been going on for a few weeks now and has really intensified in the last week or so. Things I find interesting about it:

• Every time I come out of an episode (or whatever you want to call it) of depression, I pretty quickly forget what it feels like. I forgot how powerless I seem to be over the hollow pit inside. I remember "it sucks" but I don't remember why it sucks. And, each time I come back to this point, I have to relearn that I can do certain things to make it more tolerable for others around me and to hopefully lessen it, but I also have to lower the expectation bar for myself for a while. 
• During this slide, I've realized that one of my signs that I'd never put together before was an intensifying of Petty Megan. Petty Megan eye rolls at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE and thinks all things are so.lame and so.stupid. I never quite realized it before because, well, I have a certain amount of Petty Megan that is there all the time. However, depression makes Petty Megan come to the forefront. Petty Megan loathes the hipsters and musicians and celebrities and happy people and sullen people and just people in general. Petty Megan thinks anyone pinning anything on Pinterest, including herself, is a complete idiot who is just wasting their time with stupid crafty things. Petty Megan sees the world with a whole different perspective than Less Petty Megan. 
• I can handle staying on top of about 2 things at any given time. That means a field trip with Avery today resulted in me making it and putting on a happy face, but I forgot to pack a lunch for Avery (RHG had to give Avery her own lunch - thanks RHG). It also means I can force myself to Crossfit like I did yesterday (I'm oh-so-proud of that), but then it means that is my Big Effort for the day. 
• I'm sleeping a lot. Yesterday (Avery was at school and RHG's after that), after a full 8 hours of sleep the previous night, I slept from 9:30 - 11:00 am, then from 1:00 - 5:00, then went to bed at 11 for another full night of sleep. This afternoon, I slept (with Avery) for a solid two hours and will head up to bed soon. And that's just the last two days.

Politeness

Before I get started on this rant, I feel the need to say this isn't just Petty Megan talking - I am always boggled by this behavior from adults. I distinctly remember being embarrassed in one of my HS classes when the kids behind me were talking all through a presenter's talk - and one of those kids was my best friend. When someone stands up to give a speech or a presentation, particularly a one-off thing, you freakin' look at the person, stop speaking to those around you, and at least pretend like you're listening!

Today was a field trip for Avery with her school. We all met at a nearby farm for a tour, hayride, playtime, etc. We had some parts of the tour that were guided where people were speaking to the kids and parents. I was embarrassed several times to be part of a group of parents who felt it was OK to talk quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) amongst themselves while someone was talking. On the hayride, I swear it was me and one other mom who were paying attention. Everyone else was just chatting away while this poor guy is up on the tractor telling us about Christmas trees. When the bee talk was going on, moms were chatting quietly and making jokes while the guy was talking, and the same things happened with the pumpkin seed planting. I didn't even hear what the dairy guy had to say because there was so much chatting around me - and he was CLOSE to me. 

It pisses me off to no end. First off, it's just plain rude. I don't care that we're having a fun field trip. It is not OK to model for our children that whispering while someone is talking to us is OK. Secondly, it's selfish. I don't care if you're not interested. If you're standing near enough that you are taking part in the session by your mere proximity, then shut up. Someone of us want to hear about the bees. Third, it shows a definite lack of empathy. The kid who was doing the dairy talk and the hayride talk clearly had rehearsed what he was supposed to say. He clearly wasn't all that familiar with presenting to children. He clearly was a bit embarrassed. Yet people just kept right on talking while he was talking. 

This isn't a new rant for me. It's the same core issue I had with Little Gym's concept that it was all right to let the kids run around and talk while the leader was on the mat leading games. 

Stepping down from my soap box now. 

Frame

Playdate

I am watching the kids now, which means I'm listening to them argue in Avery's room while I look at things on the computer.  Avery's favorite phrase of the moment ("You're not my best friend anymore!") has already been muttered, so the afternoon is off to a swinging start.

Impending Crash

I'm really happy and up right now.  Normally one would think this to be a good thing.  However, it makes D dread what he believes will be an upcoming crash.  I can't deny that this is usually the pattern, but when I'm in my up state like I am, I just can't imagine how I haven't gotten this depression thing licked.  I think, "I'll just be like this all the time.  It's so easy.  You just decide to be happy and you are! I'm so glad I've got it figured out now."  Then, at some point, poof.  It's gone.  At D's request, I scheduled an appointment to talk to my therapist/PMHNP while I'm in an up state to see what I can do about maybe leveling things out.  It feels ridiculous to think about talking about being too happy.  It's not like I'm manic or anything.  If I were like this all the time it would be a perfectly acceptable state.  It's just that I never remain at this state of happiness/elation/? for too long.  Of course, neither can I remember how long I do stay at this state since I don't notice it coming on nor do I notice it slipping away.

I was driving along thinking about all this today.  Among my thoughts is the usual, "Do I really want to blog about this?"  After all, people are loathe to discuss mental health issues and talk about this shit.  Admitting it's there and putting it up for the world (or all 4 of my readers) to read is reducing privacy.  But I always land at the same place: pretending this isn't something I have to deal with makes it so much harder.  And I'm not ashamed.  I'm annoyed and frustrated and pissed that my moods aren't as even as it appears other people's are, but I'd be more annoyed if I tried to hide my what? flaws? imperfections? depressions?  Whatever.

For now, I'm quite up, so it's all easy to manage.  Maybe I DO finally have it all figured out. Ha! I crack myself up.

Digital Frame

When I went to Mexico with my girlfriends, I left presents for Avery and D for each day that I was gone.  One of D's gifts was a digital photo frame.  I figured he could take it to his office and set it up there.  He never did, so it sat around in the box until I finally decided to load it up with pictures and put it in our house the other day.  It was then that I discovered digital photo frames are made for people like me.  In fact, I like it so much that I've ordered another one so we have one placed for landscape-oriented photos and the other for portrait-oriented photos.

Reasons I love the photo frame:

• The threshold for determining picture quality is lower.  If it's a snap shot that isn't a great photo, but that has special memories for me, I can load it up without a second thought. 
• The circle of subjects in the pictures widens.  I can't see myself ever putting pictures of the Gs or of our friends Vic and Mike on our walls.  Let's face it, if you don't even put up pictures of your family, you're not going to put them up of your friends. Also, it's a little weird to put up other people's family.  Yet, I love looking at pictures of Elise and Nolan and of us on vacation with Vic and Mike.  So I loaded all those up on the frame, too. 
• It's easy.  I realize that framing a photo and hanging it is easy for the vast majority of people.  For me, it is not.  It takes me over a year to hang pictures, if I ever get around to it.  Same for printing pictures / having pictures printed.  By the time I get the freakin' picture up, it's already two years out of date.  
• Variety.  Even once I have a picture up, I get bored of it very quickly.  I love the picture of D, Avery and me that we had framed, but now I pass by it so often that I'm bored of it.  
• Less clutter.  One frame = endless pictures.  Awesome.  

Chart Maker

After I made the chart for RHG & Elise, a couple of RHG's mommy friends saw it.  I had two requests to make them charts, too.  So I happily obliged putting my Silhouette to work and made them both charts and tokens.  In this process I discovered that I prefer to use the Silhouette to cut regular paper vs cutting cardstock.  I naturally gravitated towards cardstock since it makes the most sense.  However, if you're making letters to put on something, or you're cutting tokens that will be laminated, you don't need to the paper to be thick.  This means I finally found a use for all the scrapbook paper that I am oh-so drawn towards but never before had a use for.

Speaking of the Silhouette, I noticed the other day that there's a new version that cuts 12" paper (mine cuts 8").  I, of course, want it.  I will not buy it since I really, really can't justify that, but damn it! I want it.  Just like I want a letterpress after playing with one at Paper Source the other day.  Why must I love these tools and supplies so when I don't actually love the resulting products one makes with them? 

IV

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IV

Though the near daily headaches I'd been getting since DC subsided about a week ago, my energy has not returned.  I thought about going to my Western doc about the headaches, but I decided all she would do is give me a prescription and I'd still have the underlying problem going on.  So back to the naturopath I went.  He had a few thoughts, one of I opted for after lots of discussion with him.  Today, I went in and had my first of four IV transfusions (is transfusions the right word? not sure) full of minerals and vitamins.  These transfusions might help if I have some inability to absorb a certain mineral or vitamin.  So, I might feel something from it tomorrow, but, more likely, I'll feel it following the second transfusion.  

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Gluten

I have been gluten free since about April 25th.  I did make meatballs encrusted in panko bread crumbs and ate them, but the breadcrumbs inside the meatballs were gluten free, so the amount ingested was truly minimal.  I also forgot that most soy sauce as wheat in it.  When I eat sushi rolls, I dip them in unagi/eel sauce, which is made with soy sauce, so that was another source of gluten ingestion. However, I've had no bread, pasta, or other ... ? ... gluten-laden? items.

The energy situation still sucks.  It has not rebounded in any way. The headaches stopped about a week or so ago.  I still feel a bit fragile related to them.  That is to say, I don't know how I know it, but I can often feel that I will get a headache.  I don't yet have it, but something in my body feels different such that I know it's a likely event later in the day.  For example, I'm feeling that right now.  It could go either way. I suppose it's just a familiar feeling that often precedes a headache.  

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Anti-depressants

And while I'm airing all my freakin' dirty laundry, let's not forget the anti-depressant situation.  I upped the dose (obviously with the advise of my PMHNP) a couple of weeks ago. I'm still, however, at a fairly low dose for someone with depression (this is according to my own Internet research).  I'm really struggling with depression right now.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm so very, very frustrated with my energy and health, or if maybe the depression is causing the energy and health problems.  Chicken and egg I guess.  I have good days and bad days.  Today is a bad day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day (duh).

I just tried to make an appointment with another PMHNP, a man this time.  While I don't dislike my current one, I can't say I find her counseling to be at all beneficial.  I guess I'm thinking if I have to do all this shit that I really, really hate to do (counseling, medication adjustments, etc), I might as well keep trying to find someone with whom I actually get some benefit other than a prescription.  I've always gone to women and I've yet to find a counselor who is ideal for me.  It occurred to me that I always go to women, so this time I specifically chose a man.  I am so sick of talking about this stuff.  I'm thinking about typing up the highlights of my depression history (or should that be low lights?) so I can at least not repeat every boring detail again. 

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Diet Coke

Let's end this pathetic post on a good note.  While not all my good habits from my elimination diet stuck (though I certainly am doing WAY better with my eating than before the diet), one thing has stuck.  I have not had a Diet Coke since a week before the diet.  So, that was about the end of January.  I took a sip of D's one day a couple of weeks ago, but that is it.  I still miss it sometimes, but I have accepted that Diet Coke is to me like alcohol is to an alcoholic: I can't have just one.  So I just don't let myself have it.  I miss it, but it's good to be free of an addiction.

Funk

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Funky funkity funk

My lack of blogging is the usual: a sort of funk.  I spent all day on Thursday - and I mean ALL DAY - laying in bed staring at the ceiling or sleeping or watching TV.  All day.  What a waste.  Meanwhile, the house was filthy and I hadn't caught up on laundry since returning from Seattle.  I actually resorted to using a black Sharpie to fix some bleach stains on a pair black pants so I had some clean pants to wear.  At least the pants were clean.  And the Sharpie actually did quite a good job, so this really isn't the sob story it started out to be.

Yesterday, I had a much better day.  I took Avery to school earlier than usual simply because we were both ready. When I got home, I got laundry going, then took the dogs out for a walk.  Eddie just made it around the block before his back paw started dragging, so I then dropped him off at home, then took Turtle out for a big walk.  This morning, it's Turtle's paw that is bleeding.  She isn't limping and won't let me look at the paw.  Sigh. Another potential trip to the vet. 

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The Eddie Situation

Speaking of trips to the vet, Eddie's visit yielded an answer as to what we should do about Eddie, but the answer still leaves us in limbo.  The short answer is the vet said now is an appropriate time to put Eddie to sleep.  He's in constant discomfort.  However, he's not in excessive pain.  Pain, yes.  Excessive pain, probably not.  So, we can choose to wait until he reaches the point where he is in excessive pain or when he can no longer go up and down the stairs, etc.  Or we can do it before he reaches that point.  He's got weeks to 3 (ish) months before we hit the excessive pain point, the vet thinks.  I'm ready to put him to sleep; D is not there quite yet.  That I'm ready is partly because I'm just ready to be done picking up poop in the house everyday, and I'm ready to have one less being looking to me to care for him all the time.  This part of me feels immense guilt for these feelings. The not guilty part of me is ready because I don't want to see him get to excessive pain, nor do I think his quality of life is very good right now.  He can't go on daily walks.  He can only go a short distance before we come back.  He spends most of his day moving from room to room, following me, trying to get in a comfortable position.  He pants and pants and pants, which can't be restful.  Since the latter two behaviors are really annoying, both D and I often snap at him.  He's also sleeping in the garage, rather than in the house with Turtle and us; however, I don't actually think he minds that at all, so I can't really list that as a bad quality of life.

Anyway, the vet did give us some more medication for him, but not for pain.  This is an antidepressant for people that he says sometimes helps dogs with anxiety (excessive panting, following from room to room).  It's definitely working on the panting.  He still follows me around, but perhaps it's not quite as bad as it was - I'm not sure on that one.  Either way, I'm less annoyed, so I feel better able to handle the time between now and when D reaches the point where he's also ready.  After discussing it this afternoon, D has decided he'd like to wait until the end of summer so Eddie can enjoy being out on the deck and enjoy the summer.  This assumes, of course, that the pain doesn't ramp up.  Right now, I think he'll be able to handle it since he's taking his pain medication more regularly.

D talked to Avery the other night about the fact that Eddie's going to die.  Avery understands he'll die and he'll be gone, but she says it's for a "long, long, long time."  Then she says, "but that's OK, because we have Turtle Girlie!"  She doesn't seem to show any true sadness about it yet.  I think she does somewhat get death because, since that conversation took place, she'll say things like, "I don't want you ever to die, Mommy," or, "I won't let you die, Mommy."  Yesterday, she said something about not wanting Daddy to die.  I keep assuring her we're not going to die for a very long time. As with most of these topics when they're merely speculation, I'm very far removed from emotion with them.  I don't cry about Eddie unless I'm actually thinking through the process of putting him to sleep and what that means.  I did end up bawling in the vet's office, but I think that's to be expected.  

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Motorcycle

D bought his motorcycle today.  It turned into an all day affair.  He ended up going with a Kawasaki Ninja after reading that it was a good bike for new riders. It's apple green, so I approve of the color.

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Date Nights

The G kids just left.  Tomorrow will be our date night since we Friday night was my book club meeting.  There are many movies I want to see.  This could be a difficult decision.