week(13) 2013

week 13, March 24 - 30

mish-mash 

I did a longer walk with Abbie this morning than I did yesterday. She seems ready to resume all normal activity so the next 6 days of low activity with her is going to be tough. Following that walk, I did my walk/jog. I'm jogging more than I'm walking now. The lunges I added ~5 days ago are sticking. I do them in an area where it's really hard for others to see so I don't feel quite so silly. I mean, I think doing lunges in public is perfectly acceptable, but I would still prefer to do them in private when I have a dog pulling me off to smell various piles of dirt. --- Sunday

22 minutes! That's what I walked/ran my 2 mile route around the cemetery today. So it's an 11 minute mile, but that includes running up those damn hills and periods of walking to do lunges and avoid running down the super steep parts (I don't want to injure myself and there's no reason to go downhill if I don't want to). Oh and I only rested once for about 10 seconds on the whole way up the hill. The elevation of the main hill is a change of 233' for a distance of 1486'. I think that might mean the grade of the hill is 16%, but damned if I know. All I know is that I'm stoked it was that fast. I thought I'd be lucky if the whole route was under 30 minutes.  I only have Tuesday - Friday of this week to see if I can maintain or improve that because once Abbie joins me again, I'll be slower and unable to calculate what *I* did versus what she wanted to sniff. --- Monday

I'm proud to report that I did my run even without Abbie everyday this week. I would walk Abbie about a mile before so she could get exercise without pushing it after her surgery. Then I would drop her back at home and go out on my own. Go me!  There are still days where it is the last thing I want to do, but I'm always glad I did it. Pre-Run Megan just has to remember that Post-Run Megan is at least twice as happy and productive as Pre-Run Megan. --- Saturday

Abbie and I did well in training class today. Well, until about 15 minutes left in class then she was just d.o.n.e. Once she hits her done point, there's nothing I can do other than try to keep her quiet for the rest of the class. I also signed her up for five weeks of 1 day/week training with a trainer. I decided it was worth the money to lift this huge burden from my mind. All I can keep thinking about is having a huge GS who doesn't listen and is out of control. I'm working with her as much as I can, but as I've said, it's hard right now. After those are over, she'll (probably) go to the dog camp once a week. I'm going to check it out next Thursday to make sure I'm OK with how it's run and how the dogs are transported, etc.  --- Tuesday

I think Abbie's spay surgery did actually calm her down a very slight amount. That's what I'm telling myself anyway. I'm looking forward to this coming Thursday when she'll have her first day of boarding school training. 

Avery

This week was her spring break from school. We had a couple of playdates with Henry and Christie; Avery had a couple at the G's house; Elise came over for a sleepover. In general, a pretty laid back week.  

Her writing and reading are developing quickly. She can write out sentences and cards without help by sounding out the letters. I had this thing I wanted to scan that she wrote in her room (with no grown ups around). It was leaps and bounds beyond where she was even two weeks ago. It's very cool to watch this stage of learning. And she's so excited to learn to read. She loves to make cards and books for people. Because she's left handed, her books are assembled backward, but who cares?! :) 

During a playdate, she found one of my old shirts that I never wore. It was a buy from a Lucy warehouse sale, so great quality at a very cheap price. However, it just never looked good on me. Anyway, she put it on as a dress and came up to me and said, "Mama, can you sew this to make it more fashionable?" I happened to have my sewing machine out at that point, so a sewing I went and it does indeed look more fashionable. 

depression/anxiety

I realized yesterday that, in all my recent depression and anxiety, there are been one sign of anxiety absent. I've had no breathing problems. This has traditionally been one of the most obvious and first signs of oncoming bouts of depression and/or anxiety. But it hasn't shown up. It shows up slightly if I'm talking about it not showing up, but doesn't stay past the mention of it. Credit to the mindfulness practices? Probably. I still have one huge anxiety outlet that I would love to get rid of: clenching, grinding and cheek chewing. My cheeks are shredded. It doesn't hurt, but it surely can't be good for them. The clenching is mostly at night and I wear my night guard most nights to minimize the grinding. It's really hard to get something in check when you're asleep. --- Sunday

Today has been a good day all day. I've had to, as I and everyone else always will (if you are to believe in this method), redirect myself to be mindful throughout the day, but I think I'm doing it more quickly now than before. That is, I'm recognizing when I've gone into "doing" mode and shift myself back to "being" mode. It kills me how new age-y this stuff all sounds, but it's working and it's helping immensely so I shall wear it proud like I drive my minivan proudly. Embrace the shame!   --- Tuesday

Most of the week was very good in terms of depression. I have my moments where I'm pushing through a bit, but not moments where I know pushing through is a bad thing. It's a fine line to walk, but I feel as if I'm getting a better sense for where that line is for me. I do feel like things are stabilizing

water. lots of water.

On Sunday, I started a load of laundry after a very productive morning of cleaning. Quite pleased with myself, I sat down in my office for a break. I then heard Abbie whining in her crate with more zest than usual as well as something that sounded like a popping sound. I walked into the living room to find water pouring out of one of the flood light sockets and a huge puddle of water underneath. The water was running down the walls and everywhere. I ran upstairs and shut down the washing machine. The floor up there was flood too. I threw down some sheets, which in hindsight is silly given how very much water there was. I can't imagine they did any good. 

After shutting the washer down, I Googled "water emergency clean up portland" and called the first provider I saw. They were at the house about 45 minutes later to start the clean up and dry out process. 

I filed an insurance claim on Monday. The damages should be covered, minus the deductible, so at least there's probably that). The washing machine was fixed on Wednesday. The carpets on both levels are dried, but missing carpet padding beneath them. The carpet in the living room seems unsalvageable to me, but we'll see what the insurance company says.  

After the initial shock of seeing water pouring out of the ceiling, the rest of the week was easy enough to deal with. I cried a bit on Sunday over it. 

weeks(7-10) 2013

Weeks 7-10, February 10 - March 9

Life changes quickly. 2013 sucks royally for me and many of my friends and their families. It's going to be the toughest year of my life regardless of the outcome (no questions on this, please). I'm taking it day by day, hour by hour. Some days are quite good, relatively speaking; other days are agony filled with confusion and anger and sadness and bewilderment. But as I keep telling myself, onward and better.

Avery
Avery's reading and writing has exploded. One day she's just writing her name, the next day she comes out of room having written a "book." The words are all squished together and spelled phonetically, often missing vowels, but it amazes me how many of them I can read. Her drawing is also improving quite a bit, though she still doesn't draw bodies on her people (arms and legs all come out of the head).

Activities for the start of the new session of things will be one dance class - jazz/tap - rather than two classes. We are hoping to do another semi-private swimming session with Henry, but we won't find out about that until today since they don't let you know until the last day of the current session. We've discontinued piano due to lack of practicing and that I didn't at all like her teacher. Kung fu is still on hiatus.

Abbie
Oh, where to begin? She's smart. She can open the door to let herself in within 2-3 attempts if the door is unlocked. This is a door that you push to open. She has TWICE locked me out of the house by trying to open the door from the kitchen to the garage (which is a pull to open door from that direction). This happens when she tries the same method she uses with the push door, then hits the lock. All I can say is I must have sensed this was coming since just the week before the first incident I had an electronic deadbolt installed on our front door. 

Oh, and I was talking to my therapist about the challenges of being responsible for a GS puppy with a 5yo in the house and other challenges. I explained how I'd have an adult greyhound right now if I'd gone with what *I* truly wanted. But I didn't. I went with what D wanted and here I am with a GS puppy. I compared how much easier it would be with the greyhound vs the GS. She said, "and a greyhound would be easier?" You know someone is not a dog person when they have no idea how much easier an adult greyhound is than a GS puppy. I got a good laugh from that. She's not a cat person either. I'm not sure I can trust her after finding all this out.

With all my complaining about Abbie, I do love her. When she is not in puppy mode she is so great. She's GOING to be a great dog. Just not right now. She's a constant challenge when she's not asleep.

Training is going OK. The past few weeks it's been really hard to focus on training, but I've managed to start focusing on it in the past few days. We had a good day at class on Tuesday.

She and I have been going on daily walk/jogs. I'm very proud of this and my consistency with this. I've lost about 17 pounds and gained a lot of muscle doing this. I run the major uphill portions of the route, walk the steepest downhill portions, and run most of the flat portions. Abbie likes to sniff, so there are some flat parts where I let her stop and sniff.

job
This goal has morphed due to several factors. Rather than trying to find a job just to occupy my time, I'm going to get back up to date (as much as is possible/necessary) with a particular technology solution, then look for a fulltime job in that area. I'm not sure how long this will take me. I am talking to a friend of mine (hi Aug if you're reading) who works with this technology solution (Sharepoint) on Sunday. I know I don't want to do the deep technical, architecture stuff. In discussing with D what my best options are given my strike zone and preferences, he said he sees me in a role of configuration. Summary level: lots of companies have implemented Sharepoint. Within those companies various divisions/departments are using Sharepoint and want to do x,y, or z with it, but no one knows how. That's where my theoretical role would come in. All this is very theoretical in my head. As I dive into it, I may find that it's not for me. Then I'll refocus on another technology solution until I find the right one.

personal progress on depression
A main focus in my life right now is managing my depression in a more thoughtful way for myself and those around me. Back in late January or early February, I pushed my new therapist for a diagnosis based on her 45 minutes of discussions with me. At that point, she speculated that I might have bipolar II disorder, but reserved the right to revise that once she'd had more sessions with me.

After many more sessions (twice weekly), she has said that I don't have this disorder. I'm lacking the hypomania that comes with the disorder. I do have "high" moments, but I believe these are just in such stark contrast to my depressive episodes that they just seem like hypomania to some people. I don't go out on uncontrollable binges of any sort (though I'm prone to have more fun shopping, but not out of control).  I'm glad I don't have the disorder, since no one wants such a label. But it doesn't change the work I need to do to manage my depression and its results more effectively. The work is the same with the label or without it.

I have made what I believe and feel to be significant progress in this area in the past month and half, particularly in the face of my life at the moment. Still lots of room to improve, but I am fucking proud of myself. That's right: fucking proud. :)

Changes I've made include:

• cutting out diet soda, which is often linked to depression
• cutting out most sugar. I'll still have bites of dessert now and then, and I still have sugar in my tea in the mornings, but I have easily cut my daily sugar intake by 75-80%. 
• working out (via my dog walk/jog) daily. This would have happened regardless of my focused effort on depression progress because Abbie simply needs exercise. And one of my core beliefs is that every dog deserves at least one daily walk. Probably more, but at least one. Nonetheless, it's key in getting my day going right, or putting it back on path.
• adding meditation to my daily routine. I had tried this, half heartedly, in the past, but I kept falling asleep, then I'd not see any benefit and would drop it. I can now successfully not fall asleep! Woohoo! It's really helping. 
• keeping a fairly regular sleep routine. For a while I was hitting the sack at 8 pm. Then it pushed to 9. I've now pushed it to 10 with a wake up time of 6/7, which depends on what Abbie allows on any given morning. 
• practicing mindfulness. This is from the book I'm reading, Mindful Way through Depression. It's been an amazing help. It feels like it's more helpful than therapy (though I have no intention of ceasing therapy anytime soon). 
• thinking of feelings and emotions differently. This is from the book, as well. In order to stop the downward spiral into depression that unpleasant emotions or feelings can cause, the book talks about thinking about feelings and emotions like clouds. They are not who you are, they are not fact. They are simply there, then they float away like clouds. So if something makes me feel unworthy, I feel that, think about what it makes me feel like physically, then imagine it floating away like a cloud. Because the thought is not a fact. It is just a thought. I'm still working on this, but it's a way of thinking that never occurred to me before. 

Results of changes include:

• I can't think of a time in the last couple of weeks where I've lost my temper with Avery. I've been calm and kind and not short with her. To be clear, it's not like I was yelling at her all the time or anything like that, but I would definitely get short with her quickly. 
• I feel so much better physically. My last bout with headaches was back in mid-February, and those were either tension headaches or sinus related. They definitely weren't food related. I can't explain how I know this. I just do. 
• Less rumination. Again, this is from the book. The mindfulness practice allows me to stay more in the moment, rather than replaying tapes in my mind of the past, or worrying/thinking about what the future might hold. 
• Slowing down. I'm like a terrier sometimes. I just get caught up in the chaos of a moment or wrapped up in my head with no clear idea of what's going on around me. I can't remember if the book said this would be a result, but for me, the mindfulness thing kind of allows me to step back and see the situation isn't as chaotic as it might initially feel to me.

Anyway, big changes in this area. Big and hard changes. 

week(6) 2013

Week 6, February 3 - February 9

job search

I'm still working on my resume. I needed to strip out a lot of the technical speak and highlight my organizational and administrative experience given I'm applying for administrative assistant type jobs. D helped me write my cover letter for one position yesterday, so I think that's good to go ... cover letter and resume submitted to two companies - first hurdle done! --- Sunday

Resume is done and submitted. No calls yet. I expect it'll be a while. It's a rather odd experience dumbing down your resume. But I want a dumbed down job that I can't possibly bring home with me, so dumbing must be done. --- Wednesday

Abbie

We had a trainer from Wonder Puppy come over for an hour yesterday to help us understand how better to make Avery feel comfortable with Abbie. She gave us a lot of great information about training, as well as explained that puppies and children don't really go together, despite what we tend to think about. Kids like to bug the puppies when they're sleeping; puppies have sharp teeth and want to get close to kids' faces. So she said management is 90% of the battle. Keeping the two separate when parents are in the immediate vicinity to intervene. I've been OK at that, but not perfect, so I'll step that up. I've been really impressed with the trainers from Wonder Puppy. --- Sunday 

random

D and I tried to deviate from our date night standard last night. While we deviate, we failed miserably at our mission. The intent was to have dinner at somewhere new, then hit a comedy club. We ended up eating at a mediocre place we've been before, then unable to go to the comedy club since the show was sold out. I guess we need to do more preparation before attempting a date night deviation. --- Sunday

This coming week is jam packed for me. I have a lot of various appointments and things with deadlines. Oddly, it feels kind of good to have a full but managable schedule. I've also started calendaring even smaller things like walking Abbie. It just helps me stay on track with my day. --- Sunday

Today was a busy day Abbie, Avery, and me. After dropping Avery off at school, I headed over to my therapist appointment. Abbie waited in the car in her crate, a skill which she's grown fond of (I believe). Following that we drove home to find the housecleaners cleaning away. I took Abbie for a 35ish minute walk, then played ball with her in the garage for about 20 minutes before hitting the road to pick Avery up at school. Abbie went back in the car crate and off we went. After Avery pickup, we had a whopping 1 hour at home. Avery watched some TV; Abbie and I napped fitfully. Next was Avery's kindergarten round-up (they call it kindergarten connect now). After that we beelined it for the first of Avery's two dance classes. During that, I took Abbie for a long walk around downtown. After the second of Avery's dance classes, we headed straight for the library where Avery and Nain go to storytime together every week. --- Wednesday

week(5) 2013

Week 5, January 27 - February 2

Avery

Avery has decided that she wants to take a break from kung fu. She still enjoys class a lot, but I've noticed that she seems to need more of a break from activities than she did before. Dropping kung fu for a while means she'll have all of Monday afternoon off, which will be her only break in activities during the week. We never do classes/scheduled activities for her on the weekend, so the weekends are always breaks. 

Avery's reading progress is coming along nicely. She is more willing to try sounding out words to read them. And she'll randomly spell things for me in the car. I asked her to spell rabbit the other day. She, without sounding it out aloud, said, R A B I T. Which brings me to my question: how do I respond at this age? Do I say well done and leave it at that? Or, do I say good job, but it has another B in it? 

Avery's latest purchase with her allowance savings was a face painting kit. She loves it. First D tried to paint Avery's face when she asked. He painted the most pathetic version of a butterfly ever. She goes into the bathroom to look at it. I ask her, "What do you think?" When I get no response I ask meekly, "Are you a little disappointed?" She emphatically responds, "I love it! It's fabulous!" D and I just grinned at each other and shook our heads. That is one truly wonderful thing about having a dramatic and enthusiastic child: she LOVES everything (except when I say no, but she is a kid after all). Last night before dinner, Avery painted her own face. Then we painted my face. I think Avery must have taken lessons in how to make my nose look even bigger than it actually is. :) --- Tuesday

Avery is doing slightly better with Abbie. She's still afraid of Abbie when she comes towards her, even though Abbie typically just wants to sniff. She does a good job at just turning her back, but her body language conveys fear. I am having a dog trainer come over on Saturday to help us to help Avery get more comfortable with Abbie. 

Abbie

Potty training is finally going well. For the past couple of days we've had only one or two pees in the house. Both of those were excitement pees versus just going off and finding a place to pee. I'll take it! I'm optimistic that I might be able to schedule a full carpet cleaning in a couple of weeks. 

Walks are going great! I've been taking her daily, which is doing good things for me. I don't think I've lost any weight, but my pants fit and feel better. Abbie is a great walker. She pays attention and doesn't pull. She's not freaked out by noises or vehicles. She gets excited to see a jogger go by, but we're making progress on distracting her with good things (i.e. treats) when that happens. 

She knows two commands consistently: sit and look.  Look came about because I have tiny treats I use on our walks. I often toss them on the ground because it's too hard to feed her from my hand while still walking. Because they're small, she'd often miss seeing me throw it on the ground. She'd look at me waiting for me to throw it. I kept having to bend over and point to it. Pain in the butt. So I started saying look while tapping my foot next to the treat. It took a few days of doing it, but she now knows to look towards the ground and search for a treat, usually near my tapping foot. I haven't worked on any other commands. I think she knows what crate and bed mean (that we want her to go to those locations), but she doesn't follow the commands without a treat being guaranteed. 

Abbie has gained 7 lb since her first vet appointment (20lb --> 27lb). She's growing so fast. Most people we see out and about comment on the size of her huge paws. Avery says "her little paws are adorable." She's free feeder and typically doesn't eat the whole bowl at one time. The exception to this is when I put salmon oil on her food. I bought it to help with her coat and the small amount of dandruff she has. She LOVES it. My strategy now is to put it on a cup of food. Then put more food in the bowl without the oil. This prevents her from chowing down on all the food and will hopefully enable us to continue to free feed.  

The puppy in her is out, loud and proud. She's testing boundaries all over the place. Jumping up to eat scrambled eggs off my desk; jumping on the bed and knocking over water glass on the night table; D's lost three socks and I've lost one; the living room carpet has been further damaged with pulling of it up a bit; the cheap rugs in front of the doors in the kitchen will need to be replaced once she's fully potty trained. I'm still head over heels in love with her, so all this just makes me smile. 

Me

I've known for a while that I do best when I'm on some sort of routine, but not so strict that I want to rebel against it. It's a balancing act. With daily dog walks back in my life, it makes establishing a routine easier for me. I've implemented a few "rules" for myself to make my mornings more productive. First, no computer time until after Avery's been dropped off at school, the kitchen and living room have been cleaned, and Abbie has been walked (assuming the plan is to walk her in the morning versus a planned afternoon walk). I'm also doing my best to keep on top of clutter in the house so it doesn't build up. Discipline in these areas is not a strength (shocking, I know). So far so good. It's been a week and all is going well. 

I am obsessed with Scramble and Seinfeld reruns at the moment. I can watch Seinfeld reruns and play at the same time since I don't have to pay full attention to the episode to know what is going on. 

I'd forgotten how special the relationship with a dog can be. Abbie and I have truly bonded. I love seeing her, I love feeling proud when she learns a new command, I love that she wants to be with me. I just love her I guess. I'm also talking about Eddie and Turtle all the time as a result of her arrival. She reminds me of all the wonderful things about Eddie in particular. It has always been easier to remember Turtle's great traits since the end came so quickly for her. With Eddie, I needed time to forget the last couple of years that just go progressively harder. 

Job

I've decided to get a part-time job. I don't want it to be stressful or at the level which I was previously working. The salary is unimportant to me, as is status. I just want something that is outside of the house and which gives me some sense of myself aside from mother and wife and CEO of CdT. Somehow I think that last title will not get me a job. I've found a few jobs to apply for, though I expect it'll take a while given how long I've not worked. I'm working on my resume now and hope to submit it to two different companies later today. While I don't relish the idea of a job search and interview process, I am excited about this change. --- Saturday

As far as what will happen with Avery's schedule, clearly that will depend upon what hours I'll be working. I asked Mom if she'd be interested in taking over some of the functional duties of Avery care such as driving to and from activities and sitting at times when I'm at work. She said yes. We have to pay her because neither D nor I would feel right not paying her for regular childcare and nanny-type duties. Mom managed to negotiate her hourly wage lower than the original offer. That woman has some skills! 

Random

I'm having a new deadbolt put on our front door. The current one just gives us so much trouble that I figured I'd just put on a new one. At the same time, I'm having retractable screen doors installed on both the front door and the door to the patio. It'll be nice to be able to keep the doors open in the summer while Avery is outside playing. Plus the benefit of fresh air. I'm more likely to open a door than a window for some reason. 

I'm obsessed with Diet Dr. Pepper at the moment. 

The day we picked up Abbie from the breeder (oh the guilt that I bought a dog from a breeder, but I wanted a GS damn it!) my navigation system failed me. We got lost in the vicinity of the house, but were basically driving in circles around the house. Anyway, whilst doing that we saw a camel just hanging out in this front yard. A camel. Last night at dinner, a coworker of D's was talking about driving somewhere near Canby when he saw some woman walking a lion. You leave Portland and you never know what oddities you'll see. Full face tattoos have nothing on walking a lion along a road, imho. 

Whale vomit. Who knew? 

week(4) 2013

Week 4, January 20 - January 26

random

I just rearranged my office, yet again. I guess my hobby is finding places to put items used in my supposed hobbies. I have a whole lot of furniture crammed in my office, but I guess an office is meant to be used. --- Sunday

D missed his flight home last night. It was a looooongg weekend, so I was not pleased. I kept wondering why this weekend was long since it's not like I haven't been with A on my own plenty of weekends. And during the week, I do almost all the childcare because of D's schedule. The I realized it's because of Abbie. Abbie is like having a toddler in the house. A toddler who fascinates and scares Avery. It's not Avery I need a break from, it's Abbie. As I always say, it's a good thing puppies are so damn cute. --- Monday

Abbie

Abbie has two beds: one is in the living room in front of the fire place; the other is in my office under my desk. She has three crates: one in my car; one in our bedroom (where she sleeps at night); one in the kitchen. We have plenty o' places for her to sleep and relax. You can see where my priorities lie. She also has a bin full of toys kept in the living room. 

Crate training is going a little better. Last night I was able to put her in the crate in the kitchen and leave the room to go upstairs to read to Avery. Every other attempt at this has resulted in her crying and whining the entire time I'm gone. This time, she did it for about 1-2 minutes, then settled down quietly. --- Sunday

Potty training is not going well. Poop accidents are now happening. Just when it seems as if progress could be happening, we take two steps back. Sigh. I could analyze with this is so, but instead I shall sit here and feel sorry for myself. The one highlight of all this is that she's good at night. I can put her in the crate at 9/10 (or whenever I go to bed) and she can make it until at least 6 without whining to get out. Yesterday she made it past 7. So at least there's that. --- Monday

PT continued ... After a horrible 24+ hours of several pee and poop accidents in the house, Abbie, for the first time, scratched the door to go outside to pee.  I am obsessed with the thought of getting the carpet cleaners in here. While I'm not a germaphobe (RHG can attest to this) the thought of having urine and poo in my carpet for any length of time (despite my cleaning of such spots) grosses me out. I was so grateful when today's earlier poop accident at least happened on the hardwoods. I guess I should also be thankful that Abbie seems to handle most food without intestinal distress (fingers crossed that remains true). --- Monday

After a horrible three days of Abbie potty training, D arrived home from his trip and said we're doing it D's way now. So it's in the crate or outside for Abbie until she learns where to potty. I've amended it to be she can be inside with me on the leash. --- Tuesday 

Potty training is getting somewhat better, but she's still not there. Last night, in the evening, let her our of her crate to go outside. She made a beeline to avoid the door and then peed on the kitchen floor as a result. She is currently asleep underneath my desk. Lest you think she spends her whole life in her crate, she gets to go with me on most trips, we do at least once daily walks, she is near me when I'm on the computer (either on her bed or under my desk), and we have puppy play sessions where she just tears through the house like a crazy puppy.  --- Thursday 

Christie came over yesterday to help me out with introducing Abbie and Barkley. Since Barkley is a bit weird around Mom sometimes (protective isn't exactly the right word - more like he's less predictable with other dogs maybe because her attention is diverted? who knows), I decided that I didn't want Mom to be there when Abbie and Barkley met. Mom took Avery and Henry to the park while Christie walked Barkley and I walked Abbie. The meeting between the two was just fine. The walk with the two was just fine. The playing in the yard was just fine. All was just fine. At one point, I left Abbie and Barkley out on the deck and came inside. I was watching them when I saw Abbie get all scared of Barkley. However, nothing Barkley did should have caused this. He's good about not pursuing her if she is backing away from him. Anyway, I now I have no worries about having the two of them here together. They'll usually be apart anyway since Barkley prefers to be outside and Abbie prefers to be anywhere I am. --- Monday

week(3) 2013

Week 3, January 13 - January 19

I'm going to try something new, which is to keep most other posts isolated to a single topic. I've struggled with that in the past, but I do think it would make it easier to read, for me and other people. To attempt to achieve this, but still maintain my need and desire to blog the mundane (which I do so enjoy going back to read x years later), I'm going to blog that in a weekly post. We'll see how it goes. Who knows if I'll bother to add. This may be the only post since I'm not great at sticking with these things.  Here goes. I tried breaking it down by day first, but by topic seems more readable. I'll be experimenting with various formats, I'm sure. You'll be patient or just not read.

Abbie

Abbie and I, along with Mom, attended a controlled puppy socialization playgroup. It was very interesting and well worth the money I paid. I bought a punch card for at least 4 other groups, so we (Abbie & I) will be going to those. --- Sunday

Abbie and I walked a total of 2.6 miles. In the morning we did a cemetery walk. In the afternoon, while Avery was in her dance classes, we walked around the neighborhood near the studio. Abbie is such a good walker. It's a much different experience to walking challenging, pulling dogs.  --- Wednesday

I was able to attend another session for the controlled puppy socialization playgroup. This time, I went to the <25lb group. The first session was with 25-50lb puppies. Abbie wasn't quite ready for that yet. She's not fearful exactly, but she's underconfident. This playgroup was even more beneficial. I find it amazing that, by the end of the session, all the puppies are in the same room, off leash, and quite calm with each other. Abbie even played with a little black lab puppy who was much more confident than she. While I obviously don't yet know how these playgroups will affect Abbie's personality or interaction with other dogs, I will definitely seek out this type of group with any other puppies I may have in the (distant, distant) future. --- Friday

Avery

Avery did her second violin lesson in order to decide between taking violin lessons or piano lessons. She has been requesting both. Summary: the violin teacher was sick, sent her brother in her place, he didn't have the right size violin for Avery, since he was to be her piano teacher anyway, he did some piano lessons too, Avery chose piano lessons. Weekly piano lessons will start on Friday.  --- Monday

Avery and Henry have both progressed quite far with their swimming. It's rather awesome to watch.  --- Tuesday

Today I watched Nolan after school. First, we all hit Burgerville since I'd not eaten. Next we went to New Seasons. There was no race car shopping cart available, so the kids had to settle for being in the main part of a regular shopping cart. As I pushed them around shopping, they pretended it was a pirate ship and they were hoisting sails, etc. I gotta say, they have the lingo down better than I do. After the grocery store, we all went to Pet Smart with Abbie. And finally, before heading back to the G house, we took a quick walk in a park with Abbie.  --- Thursday

I realized that Avery's shoulders were well above her shoulder straps. It's been this way a while, but I kept forgetting to ask my resident carseat safety expert (RHG) if that meant I should switch her to using the car seat belt versus the built in harness. Anyway, yes, it does. So I disassembled the car seat, removed the straps, put it back in the car, and presented Avery with her new buckling system: the car's seat belt. She was quite excited. And it's nice that she can now fully buckle herself in and out. She was able to do everything except release the bottom buckle on the harness of the seat (it is a really strong button you have to push just right). Another milestone. --- Thursday

Avery's first official piano lesson! After not even wanting to sit next to her teacher, David, during the trial session, she kept saying all day, "I get to see David!" She seemed to enjoy it quite a bit, remembered where middle C was, as well as how to identify all the other C keys on the piano. We'll see how it goes. --- Friday

misc

The Gs did a brunch date. Mimi slept the entire time. I sat by the fire playing on my phone while Avery, Elise, and Nolan played upstairs requiring very little effort on my part. That is an ideal babysitting session, tyvm.  --- Sunday

random

• Having Abbie has made me fall in love with my sweet ride (aka my minivan) all over again. It's so easy to get her in and out of the crate in the back. I can easily take her everywhere without dealing with a mess. I can fit all three kids (Elise, Nolan, and Avery) in the car along with her crate. So nice. I do love functionality. 
• We're in the midst of vacation planning for the year. We already have a long weekend trip to Cabo booked with the leadership team at D's office (sans Avery) in late February. I've never been to Cabo despite its relative proximity to Loreto. Our annual Vegas trip is, as always, on our radar, hopefully for July. We're also going to join Vic & Mike & Bear in the US Virgin Islands in April. I've never been there, so I'm quite excited to see someplace new. I'm also hoping to go to Loreto in May, but that may be pushing it a bit. I doubt D can join us for that trip, unless he works from Loreto part of the time. What to do with Abbie during these trips is the question. Ah well, it'll work out. 
• D is in Colorado for the weekend. I am so bored. I'm trying to think of how things would be different were he here. The answer is not much, but I wouldn't be bored. 
• My friend and neighbor, and mother of Lily, had her third baby girl yesterday. New baby! They named her Sadie Jeanne. She looks like a combination of her sisters. I can rarely see parental resemblance in babies, but siblings stand out. Funnily, I sent her an email that very day asking, among other things, when she was due. I thought for sure it wasn't until end of February. 

Abbie

My first post of the new year. And the first post in nearly a month. I'm not even going to try to catch up on the happenings the last month. Maybe in another post. For now, it's all about Abbie.

first day
We brought Abbie home on Friday, January 1st. It was the day after we got back from Napa. I wasn't very prepared with supplies, hadn't put together the crates, hadn't bought dog food or a collar, etc. However, it all turned out just fine.

The ride home in the car was uneventful until about 2 miles from home. She started to whine and squirm in Mom's lap. We kept going. Not only were we almost home, but even if we'd stopped to let her out of the car, we didn't have a collar on her. What if she darted away? You can see where this is headed. Right as we pulled into the garage, she pooped on Mom and parts of the seat. Fortunately, there wasn't that much in the car. The rest ended up on the garage floor. As gross as that was, it was understandable.

For that afternoon, she spent much of her time alone on the back deck. She was very calm. I showed her the bed and rewarded her for getting on it. We tried to play with toys, but she was still a bit unsure and was therefore quite sedate.

That night, we couldn't get her into the crate due to whining on her part, so she slept on her bed by our bed. We got up periodically throughout the night to let her out. Getting her to pee and poop outside was not successful.

potty training
Potty training is coming along. She still has many pee accidents in the house. Sometimes she'll just squat and pee right in front of me, so I know she hasn't connected the dots that it's bad. However, this morning she went outside and promptly peed. She the immediately came back in for praise and a treat. Then she asked to go right back outside and pooped, turned around and came right back in for her second treat. And on our walk this morning, she peed and pooped. That is the first time she's done either of those things on our walks, so it's progress.

socialization & training
On Sunday afternoon, we went to a puppy playgroup socialization class. I messed up the time and went to the 25-50lb puppy class instead of the 12-25 lb (she's about 22 lb). I figured she'll be 25 lb soon anyway. I should have gone to the smaller dog group as her confidence around other dogs isn't as high as it should be. This Sunday we're going to the group with the smaller dogs to build her confidence. She doesn't mind meeting dogs, but when the big ones jump on her, she cowers a bit (not too bad, but enough that we want to break her of this underconfidence lest we end up with bigger issues).

I tried to sign up for puppy training classes through the same place I am doing the puppy socialization playgroup, but all the current sessions are full. I'll hopefully get into a February class. In the meantime, she's got the sit command down during low-chaos moments. Still working on it when there are more distractions.

daily schedule
For the most part, I take Abbie with me wherever I go. When Avery's in a class (kung fu or dance, e.g.) I take Abbie for a walk. If I have to be in the class with her (new piano lessons - she's still hesitant with the teacher), then I leave her in the crate in the car. I guess it's good that we got her in the winter since I wouldn't be able to do that in the summer. 

The vet encouraged exposing her to as many new things as I can right now. German shepherds especially need exposure to all sorts of new things when they're young to help in socialization and getting them used to things.

her personality

• She's a calm dog. When she's in puppy-mode, such as first thing in the morning, she's a bit crazy and mouthy. But most of the day, she's very calm. 
• She's a natural loose-leash walker! I've never experienced this! She just doesn't pull. She'll start a little bit as we get closer to home, but it's nothing compared to Turtle or Eddie. I LOVE walking her. It's a joy. 
• She has separation anxiety. We have three crates for her: my office, our bedroom, the car. If I crate her when we go to bed, she might whine for 30 seconds, then goes to sleep and doesn't wake us up until about 6:15. If I crate her in my office when I'm in the office, too, she's the same way. If I leave, even for a 30 seconds, she's yelps like she's being tortured. In the car, I crate her when I drive. She sometimes whines for 5 minutes or less, sometimes is just silent. She doesn't whine when I leave her in the car. I know this because I left my phone in the car during an Avery activity to see how long she'd yelp/whine. Turns out almost not at all. I figured, OK, she just needs to know I'm away from the house/car. So I finally left her in the crate at home yesterday. I was gone for about 2 hours. I left my computer recording audio for that time. She whined cried for almost the entire two hours. And she pooped a little from the stress. So yeah, a bit of separation anxiety. 
• She jumps up on the kitchen cabinets and the couch, so we need to work on that behavior. 
• She has almost no reaction to any loud noises (other than dogs barking). Sudden noises don't startle her either. Also, yelling "No!" at her when she's jumping on cabinets or the couch does absolutely nothing to stop it. Nor does spraying her with a water bottle which she loves oh-so-much. 
• She's smart. I have no doubt that once she's tall enough, she'll easily be able to open the door in and out of the house (to the back deck). She already tries to jump to it with her mouth. Eddie never got that far. He always seemed to randomly try with his legs, but never figured out all he had to do was bite and pull the handle. Another indication of smartness is how quickly she figures out what will get her treats, such as getting on the scale at the vet's office. We went to the vet and I coaxed her onto the scale. The receptionist gave her lots of treats and praise. She gets off, thinks for a moment, then gets back on it and sits looking up expectantly. They reward it again and again because they want dogs to get on the scale easily. We go into the vet's office for 1/2 hour or so. When we came out, she immediately made her way to the scale, got up on it and sat looking up expectantly. 
• She loves shoes, underwear, and tissue paper of all kinds. The other day I saw her pick up my right shoe. I said "ah ah" in a loud voice. She drops it and walks over to get the left shoe. That was adorable. As was her grabbing the end of the toilet paper on the roll and running. But I must keep in mind that what's adorable in puppies is what's frustrating in adult dogs, so I'm being diligent about stopping such behavior. 
• She follows me around and sleeps by my feet in my office. I love her so much. :) 
• She's, so far, a free feeder with no issue. While she loves treats (doggie treats given for training purposes), she doesn't have any interest in cleaning her bowl. She's pretty skinny, but I figure she's not going to starve herself, right? So I'm just letting her eat without standing over her making sure she's eating enough.  

dipping

recap
I'm dipping my toes back in the blogging waters. Bullet points are the only way to resume blogging when so much as happened between posts.

• Our surprise visit to England for Dag's (D's dad) 70th BD party was a success! Dag was truly surprised and we had a great time. Avery and Olly were attached at the hip and couldn't wait to be around each other.
• D, Avery and I went to Barcelona, Spain for several days in the middle of our England trip. We had a good time. As always, I enjoyed seeing another country. More on that when I'm more able to concentrate on details. 
• Avery was a stellar traveler. She adjusted to the time change quite well and did very well behavior-wise until our last weekend in London. And I can't really blame her for that fit because she was running on a huge sleep deficit at that point. Something had to give. 
• Avery can carry all of her belongings through the airport: clothes, toys, everything. I guess this isn't that shocking, but I didn't picture getting back to easy travel so early. I figured I'd always be lugging a ton of stuff for her around. With her wheely bag and backpack, she's all set. (Sometimes she does ask for us to carry her pack back so she can run, but sometimes I ask D to carry stuff so I can do x,y, or z, so I figure that still counts as her being a self-sufficient traveler). 
• Avery will sing and dance in the middle of a crowded airport for hours it seems. We got stuck at several points in Heathrow on our way to Barcelona. Avery was just signing and dancing away. It could have been awful to be stuck in lines with a kid in tow, but Avery didn't make it any more difficult. 
• We've been back a week and things are starting to normalize for me. I did GREAT the first couple of days back. I worked out, I did all the laundry, got the house back in working order (food, tidy, laundry, etc), then I just hit a wall and crashed. Vacations, while wonderful, are hard on introverts. Spending so much time with people with little alone time is tough for me. I had a massive amount of alone time (relative for a parent) last week and I'm just now starting to feel like my head is above water. 
• We are heading to NYC in a couple of weeks. D has a business trip. Given I've only been to NYC once, I said let's extend the trip and make a long weekend of it. We've made reservations at some good restaurants and have tentative plans to see The Lion King (for Avery's sake, not mine).  I should buy tickets now ... done. Man, those shows are expensive! My dislike of the theater has saved us a bundle!
• Right now I'm doing my best to split out my single (massive) iPhoto library into years. I hate iPhoto for many reasons, but I've also gotten used to it, so I don't wish to switch. Especially since I have little interest in pictures except as keepsakes. Meaning, they're not a hobby. 

flu shot advice

Avery had her flu shot before Elise and Nolan got theirs. RHG sent this email to me a few days later:

I asked [Avery] to give advice for Elise and Nolan since they were getting flu shots tomorrow.  She asked what "advice" is, and I said tips or ideas to make it easier.  She said "yes aunt chele:
1 - sippy of milk
2 - have a stuffie
3 - hold mommy's hand and
4 - lots of hugs with mommy afterward"

She numbered them and held up her fingers in count as she rattled them off. Impressive.

puppy

It looks like the amount of time off I need from dogs is about 1.5 years. As a BD gift of sorts, I told D that we could get a GS puppy. I'm not sure if we'll get a pure bred one or just wait for one from the humane society. I saw a GS that I fell in love with when we were apple picking. I'm waiting for the woman who owned the dog to get back to me with the breeder information for it as it had a great temperament. 

I always said I would never get another GS and now it's all I want. Go figure. 

stumped

... that is stumped for a subject

organizing
For some reason I was sleepy all day yesterday. I took two naps. This, of course, resulted in a burst of energy about 9 pm onward. I stayed up until about 1:30 this morning cleaning and organizing and reorganizing. I got a lot done. I continued with this effort today. It always feels good to get this type of stuff done.

I decided to move my sewing machine into my office so the serger and the sewing machine are in the same spot. This means the ugly fold out table I bought at Home Depot is more permanent. I'd like to put in a table with some shelves above it for sewing, however, I can't justify that cost given how much - or more accurately how little - I sew. I am liking having the sewing machine in my office because it can access my computer for looking up things, etc.

You might be wondering why I have so much time on my hands today when Avery's home with me. Well, she's been tidying her room for about 4 hours now. It's like pulling teeth to get her to do it. I clearly need to find a new system for getting her to do it, but for now, at least I've found a way to get her to play on her own: just tell her to tidy her room and her imagination explodes. Note: it was very quiet, so I went up to check on her and she fell asleep on a mountain of blankets in her room.

washing machine
You may remember (thought I doubt it) when my washing machine started acting up a couple of years ago. I was pondering whether I should get it fixed or buy a new one. During that time, it magically fixed itself and started working again. Today is has started acting up again. I decided that since I'm happy with the way it cleans clothes when it is working, it's probably more economical to get it fixed than to buy a new one. The repairman will come tomorrow afternoon.

dogs
And now I just wasted an hour looking at dogs online. I don't want a dog! But I want a dog. But I don't! But I do. I go back and forth. I love not having to deal with the mess. I love not having to get up to attend to yet another being in the house. However, I miss having a pet. What I really want is a hypoallergenic kitten, but I'm afraid that I'll pay a bunch of money for one and then D will still be allergic to it. Sigh. Oh, and plus Avery has started to ask for a dog.

Barkster

Makin' copies with Barkminster Fuller
Since Mom is visiting her brother in eastern Oregon for a few days, I'm in charge of walking Barkley while she's gone. He's a piece of cake to walk compared to Turtle and Eddie. No pulling, no fear of trucks or other loud noises, minimally excited at the site of other dogs. This was my first time walking him. I tried to take him for a walk by myself the other day, but it turns out that if Mom is in the house, Barkley has no interest in going on a walk with me. He got only so far down the sidewalk, then sat down and refused to go. He just kept looking back at the house, presumably waiting for Mom to join us on the walk. However, today without Mom around, he trotted happily beside me without issue.

Barkley's an interesting dog. In many ways, he's my ideal dog. He's more like a cat in that he pretty much just lays around all day. There's no pestering for attention. Also, once he's comfortable around whomever is in the house, he doesn't constantly leap up to greet you when you come in the room.  It often means Avery has to walk around him laying in the middle of the floor, but I much prefer that to a dog who moves every time you approach.

For whatever reason, he's the type of dog that I give constant nicknames to. I am starting to remind myself of Rob Schneider in that SNL skit where he sits next to the copy machine. Barkster! Barkalicious! Barkminster Fuller (from the Buckminster Fuller, the inventor of the geodesic dome) Barnacle. Barky Bark and the Funky Bunch. I could go on and on ...

Routines 
After so many routine disruptions in March, then Spring Break for Avery, things are finally starting to click back in place for me. I can tell when that happens because I start thinking about new craft projects I can undertake.  And I'm finally back to logging my food and to do a daily walk, so that's good.

Houses

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Activities of the last week

• Driving - Mom landed last Wednesday, so she's been here almost a week.  It's hard to believe.  In that time, I think we've driven 1,000 miles in that time.  Between all the driving I do to get Avery to her various activities, extra driving done to move G kids around (which isn't all that much, but has been a little), and looking at houses for Mom, we have had our butts in the car much of her time here. 
• Crafting - sort of.  I have finished part of my fabric boxes.  I have more to do, but they're looking decent so far.  I also made Avery a Tiana blanket (in other words, I hemmed some flannel fabric) and I altered the 80's prom dress I wore for the hispter dress up so that Avery can wear it around the house.  I'm going to make a few more changes, but I am very impressed with myself.  Avery LOVES it.  She thinks it's the most beautiful dress ever.  Mom said she calls it her wedding dress.  

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Houses


We continue to look at potential houses for Mom when she moves here.  The nice part is that since she's not moving out for another six months, we aren't under any pressure to get something.  And we're still not under pressure if she sells her house in Colorado before moving out because she can always live with us for an open-ended period of time.

Many continue to ask me what is going on with the short sale house.  The answer is the same as always: nothing.  We are one of four offers, including an offer made by the former tenant (who moved out a few days ago). The house was not pre-approved as a short sale by the bank when the seller put it on the market, so the ball is now in the bank's court where it's been for the past four months.  So there you go.  In the meantime, we're looking at other houses in the same neighborhood, as well as other areas.  I have a pretty good idea of what Mom likes and doesn't like, and what she wants and needs, even though some of those aren't what I would want or need in her situation.

We've looked at two houses that I absolutely loved.  One house was utterly ridiculous.  It would have a terrible time with resale, it was small and oddly laid out, it was not in an ideal location, it was a true one bedroom ... and I loved it!  Know why I loved it?  Because it had an oversized mouse hole between the living room and the bedroom.  Remember the mouse hole in Tom & Jerry?  That shape?  Well, make that big enough for a cat to get through, then carve it into a wall between two rooms and this is what was there!  On purpose!  I was obsessed with it.  Clearly this is no reason to buy a house.  In fact, it's probably a reason to not buy a house, but all I could think about was how fun it would be to drive a remote control car between the two rooms!  I could sense the moment we walked in the house that Mom was not digging the space.  The other house that I really loved was one Mom also loved.  The problem is that it's tiny and overpriced, but it's the cutest, most adorable house I've ever seen.  And it was built in 1899, but is so level and fixed up that you can't tell.  I seriously couldn't find a crack or anything broken or slightly askew.

Today we'll look at a few houses in a neighborhood we've not explored yet, so that will be interesting.  Since D is joining us, we'll also go back to the three houses that are on the 'yes' list, though one of those is the adorable, overpriced tiny house, and the other is the short sale we have an offer in on already.

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Hood to Coast

Mom and I volunteered for Hood to Coast on Friday.  D's team had to provide three volunteers.  Mom and I were two of them.  It was a hot, hot day for the run.  Mom and I got so very lucky to be posted where we were.  There was shade the entire shift, it was quiet, and we could easily take turns sitting on the one chair we brought without a problem.  Overall, it was a boring stint.  I think it would have been a lot more interesting if we'd been there during a different time, but the teams going through the point were all walking teams at that point.  Our job was to direct the runners and vans down the correct road.  Encouraging the walkers and runners seemed a natural offshoot of that.  Well, if you start clapping for a walker too early, you clap a looooonnnng time.  Plus, there's that awkward moment after you yell out good job!  If it's a runner, they're off and running and it's not awkward.  If it's a walker, they're still there.  It's simply fraught with awkwardness.

D was in a world of hurt when he got home on Saturday night, but so was everyone else in his van.  He said they felt a little better when they went to Dairy Queen after the race and saw a team sponsored by Nike there.  This team was clearly very fit.  Every one of them groaned when walking down the steps, too.  So I guess the race takes a toll on you regardless of how fit you are.

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Dogsitting

Kerry (mother of Lily, neighbor, friend) asked me to watch her dog, Princess, while they're on vacation next week.  I, of course, said sure!  I'm quite excited because Princess is a little dog.  I've never watched a little dog.  I've never been around a little dog for any extended period of time.  It'll be a good test as to whether it's still like having a dog, or if it's more like a cat to me.

Avery's not a big fan of Princess because Princess sometimes jumps on her.  However, overall, Princess is very well behaved and does not have a Napoleon complex as many small dogs do.

Lightened

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Weekend Update

This weekend was the second annual Daddy/Daughter Camping Trip.  Damian and Avery said they had a great time, though D was quite tired since he didn't sleep much.  As he put it, "I'm not really made for camping."

D intended to take Avery straight from the campsite to the Timbers/Sounders game this afternoon, but Avery decided she wanted to skip the game.  I think it's safe to say she's not going to be going to any more games this season.  Ah well, D really enjoys the games, so it wasn't a waste of money to get the season tickets.

Since I had Saturday afternoon and evening all to myself, I made plans with friends.  Christie & Amber came over in the afternoon to do some crafting.  After that we headed to dinner at Pepita's, followed by a movie.  I think I must have inadvertently eaten gluten - or something else makes me very sick - because by the time I got home, my stomach was not happy with me.

This afternoon, Avery and I headed over to pickup Elise so Avery would have a playmate for the afternoon.  RHG was out of town, so I coordinated the playdate with Jay.  It was the first time I've planned any playdate via a father.  It's no different than coordinating with a mother.  I took the girls to the park and then stopped at a store before we all headed back to the house to spend a couple more hours playing.

D & I dropped both girls with Jay for our evening date night.  We also had a date night on Friday night, but that one was using a real babysitter. Avery was so excited to have our neighbor come over to sit for her.  Anyway, D and I just went for sushi and a movie, so it was typical date night fare for us.

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Lightened Load

While I miss Turtle and I wish I'd gotten to have another three years with her, things are much easier with no dogs.  It's so much easier to keep the house clean.  It's also easier in the mornings and the evenings.  Dogs don't need to be fed, or watered, or let in and out.  I don't have to find an hour each day for dog walking.

A few things are more difficult without a dog around.  I still am not used to the crumbs or bits of chips on the floor.  I might have to ban eating in the living room.  That thought never occurred to me before since I've never had to vacuum or sweep due to food bits.

 

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Reading

I'm in a reading slump at the moment.  I'm reading a book written in the 1800's that was apparently instrumental in shaping Lincoln's views on slavery, however, it isn't the sort of book that is utterly captivating.  I am 30% of the way through the fourth book in the Ender's series of books, but it's not pulling me back to it they way the other three did.  And I haven't found any in my typical genre drawing me in.

Goodbye

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Goodbye Turtle Girlie

We put Turtle to sleep on Friday.  It feels like I already updated the blog with this information since I posted it on FB, but I guess my last post had us off to the specialist.  I very much liked this vet. He was worth the drive to Clackamas.  He thoroughly, but gently, examined Turtle without running any tests.  Then he explained that given her symptoms, she had one of two possible things wrong with her.  Cancer or a fungal infection in her nose.  The fungal infection is just as hard to treat as cancer, so it was pointless trying to figure out which it was.  It was most likely cancer anyway. The vet said it was likely a tumor had formed and the blood from her nose came after it had pushed its way through the bone.  This is very painful. Poor Turtle.

The vet gave me some pain pills for her and said she might be able to make it week or so, but once I heard the verdict, I knew I would do it the next day.  Even though Turtle wasn't eating anything, she was still interested in food and that is what killed me.  It must have been torture for her to want to eat, but be unable to due to the pain.  So, after leaving the vet's office, I sat in the car and made three phone calls: Damian, then RHG to ensure she could take Avery the next day, then the vet to come over and put Turtle to sleep.

Friday went as well as can be expected.  Turtle and I went for a nice long trail walk. This was the most difficult part of the day for me.  The end of an era since we went on some many walks on that trail.  It was nice Turtle was still so spry and could really enjoy her walk.  That made it more difficult for me - to see thing spring in her step and her wagging tail - but for Turtle's sake I'm glad it was that way.

I sobbed a lot on Friday, but since then, I've only had a few moments.  Most of them come when I realize we have no dogs anymore.  Like when we came home from date night, opened the door and ... no dogs.  Or before we go to bed and there are no dogs to let out and take care of.  Or after we eat when I realize that Cheerios do not magically pick themselves up.  The G kids were over last night and I had to sweep the floor after dinner.  I've never had to do that.  The food magically disappeared (and was replaced by dog hair, but still, no food).

I miss Turtle and Eddie - the younger versions.  Actually, I loved the older version of Turtle.  She was perfection to me.  The best dog one could hope for.  The younger version of Eddie was extraordinary and almost-human.  I miss them.  However, I do feel freed of the responsibility.  Less cleaning, more space, no schedule of feeding. It's definitely like a weight has been lifted.  Which is why there will be no more pets for quite a while.  Probably until Avery begs for one (but don't tell her that).

Speaking of Avery, she's done just fine with it all.  On Thursday night, when I told her Turtle was going to die the next day, she asked if she could watch.  We said no, to which she replied, "But I never get to watch dogs die!"  She said goodbye to Turtle the same way she did Eddie, by running out the door happily yelling "bye, Turtle Girlie!"  I know she's mulling over in her head what death is and gets that death means she doesn't get to see Turtle or Eddie anymore, but I'm grateful that she doesn't truly get it just yet. 

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Reorganization

Apparently I grieve through reorganization and cleaning.  Mostly reorganization.  With the dogs gone, I had an entire cabinet to fill up.  I moved Avery's toys from the pantry to that cupboard, then moved my crafting supplies (for the one card I make per year) up to the pantry.  I also cleaned and reorganized the closet and a bit of the garage.

Perhaps today I'll focus more on the cleaning aspect of things.

Specialist

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Turtle & her eye

There's much I want to blog about to catch up, but Turtle is occupying most of my brain at the moment.  A bit ago I made an appointment for Turtle to see a vet that specializes in ophthalmology.  I decided that it's worth the consult fee to see if this vet thinks it can be anything simple - or at least treatable with reasonable medications.  I'm not going to authorize any tests that will reveal things that we won't treat (cancer, tumor that must be removed, etc).  Hopefully that approach will keep the cost down while keeping my guilt and worry in check.

Her eye doesn't look quite as bad as it did at its worst, but it's definitely unpleasant to look at.  And her nose is still bleeding a good amount.  She won't drink her food if I liquefy it, nor will she drink Ensure.  She will, however, drink an Odwalla protein shake.  Leave it to my dog to pick the most expensive option.  Ah well, the shakes are quite filling, so I don't feel like she's starving to death if I give her two a day.  She looks quite svelte right now. 

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Last day

Today is Avery's last day at her current school.  I was telling Christie that I'm not the parent to have emotional reactions to things other parents seem to react to.  By that I mean that I don't have these "she's growing up so fast" cringes and I often don't get emotional about things I hear other mothers talking about.  Well, I found the thing I do.  I'm having a hard time with this changing of schools thing.  I guess it's because she does so well at her current school, she fits in, she's liked by all the teachers and kids, and it's really been a great experience for her.  Her teacher called me yesterday to see what special treat Avery would like for her goodbye party.  Then she said, "If only I could have ten Avery's in my class."  I almost cried when I dropped Avery off at school this morning.  Avery, on the other hand, is just fine with it all.

I made thank you cards for the three teachers yesterday.  I also got each a gift certificate to Target. When Avery is old enough to pick out appropriate gifts for her teachers, I will go with something more personal than a gift certificate.  However, I have a lot of trouble buying knick knacks that *I* pick out for a teacher.  *I* would never pick a knick knack.  I always pick practical, so gift certificate it is.  At least I made personalized cards!

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TV

D and I have started watching a new series on USA called Suits.  I linked to it on Hulu for anyone who is looking for some TV to get them through summer.  Both D and I really enjoyed the pilot.  It avoided a lot of cliches, so I have hope it'll be a good show. 

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Books

I'm reading Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction.  A Goodreads friend (and former coworker from way back) read it and rated it highly.  She and I have somewhat similar reading tastes.  It's hard to read, not because of gory detail or awful stories, but because reading about a child who becomes addicted to drugs is gut wrenching to think about.  Oh, and Christie, it was published in 2008.

I'm also reading Children of the Mind, the fourth in the Ender's Game series.  It's not nearly as readable as the other three.  However, D told me the next one is very good, so I will slog my way through it to get to the next one.  D had the same reaction to Children of the Mind as me, so the author must have been having an off period.

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Sneak peak

And since I don't have the brain bandwidth (see aforementioned Turtle issue along with Avery's last day of school) to blog about these things, I shall make a list of all I want to blog about:

• Avery's fit in Colorado
• Recap of Colorado trip
• Avery's sleeping situation update (it's good!)

Turtle

So not ready for this one

Turtle is still not doing well, at least not as well as she needs to be doing.  Bullet point catch up on what has happened:

• Monday, June 13th - D and I return from Vegas and immediately take Turtle to the vet. RHG let us know that she'd woken up with a swollen eye that morning, but she and Jay hadn't noticed anything different in the previous days. 
• The vet examines Turtle, determines she doesn't have glaucoma or a scratch on her eye ball, gives us steroid drops and tells us to come back if the eye isn't back to normal in a week.
• June 14 - June 18 - Turtle seems to be doing slightly better with her eye.  The swelling as reduced, but it was a slow change.  She eats and plays normally. 
• Sunday, June 19 - I immediately recoil upon seeing Turtle's eye in the morning.  After waiting for D to wake up (Father's Day), I take Turtle to the emergency vet.  He rechecks her eye and there's no scratch.  He says to continue with the drops, try an antibiotics, and prescribed some pain pills.  I have to catch my flight that night, so I hand off instructions to D.  
• Thursday, June 22 - D takes Turtle to our regular vet since her eye is not getting better and she's acting lethargic. They are unable to figure out what's wrong after running various tests.  She's now progressed to the point where she can't even open her mouth without pain, so she's not eating or drinking.  
• Friday, June 23 - D brings Turtle back to the vet so they can sedate her and get her mouth open.  They run more tests and still have no idea what's wrong.  They give him another round of antibiotics and more pain pills. Vet bill at this point is $1200. 
• She continues to not eat, but will drink, perks up a bit.  D is able to get her to take pain pills, but the antibiotics (which taste horrible) are a no go no matter what he tries.  On Saturday afternoon, he's able to get her to take the antibiotics crushed with honey. 

This leads us to where we are now.  She's bleeding from her nose.  Not constantly, but enough that I'm finding large drops of blood on the floor.  And if I wipe her nose with a tissue, it comes away bloody. She will not eat more than a very small bite of anything.  I just cooked up hamburger and put it on the floor and she won't touch it.  Won't eat cheese, won't eat anything.  She won't drink from her regular water bowl, but will drink from the toilet bowl.

So where does that leave us?  D and I agree that continuing to try to find out the problem is a waste of money. The vets have no clue.  Furthermore, I already know that if it is a tumor or some other terminal thing, I'm not going to treat it.  She's 9yo and I don't want her to spend her final years in pain.  If it's a foreign object that got stuck up her nose, they didn't see it in the small x-rays they ran.  It could still be an object, but that doesn't mean they'll be able to get it out for a reasonable amount of money.  This discussion sounds like it's a financial decision, however, it's not really.  It's more that I don't believe in prolonging my pet's life just because *I* am not ready for this to happen yet.  The cost does come into play because of course I'd be willing to run tests galore if they didn't cost so much money.  But the end result of those tests would probably be the same regardless of money: the choice to not treat a serious aliment given her age.

The plan as of now: I've called the vet and had him call a pharmacy to mix up the antibiotics into a liquid form that is tastier and that I can squirt into the side of her mouth (hopefully).  Because of the type of antibiotic she needs (in theory, since they don't know what is specifically wrong), they can't give it to her via a shot.  I'm going to try these antibiotics via the liquid syringe for 3-4 days.  If she's still not eating (thankfully she's got the reserves to go for a while without food), then I'll call the vet to discuss if doing an x-ray of her snout might be worthwhile to see if it's a foreign object. 

I'm losing hope that there's going to be an ending other than her not being here next week. It's so difficult to type that given she is seemingly so happy right now.  She's happy to go on her walks, wags her tail, is happy to see us, doesn't SEEM in pain at all.  However, if she won't eat any food, I don't see what else we can do (short of hooking her up to an IV to get nutrients into her, which I would do ONCE, but certainly not as a solution). 

This sucks.  I was having such a great time spending time with just her.  She's so wonderful to take on walks and such a perfect dog in all ways except her shedding.  She was always overshadowed by Eddie's larger-than-life personality.  Now I'm starting to think I'm never going to have the 1:1 time with her that I always wanted.  Fuck.

Bucket

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Vegas trip bullets

• Vegas was great.  We didn't do much other than lounge, eat, sleep, and eat.  For the first time, we rented a poolside cabana.  That is on my "must do" list for Vegas from now on.  It made all the difference in my enjoyment of the pool.  Guaranteed shade - check. Misters - check. Personal cabana attendant - check. Plenty of room to leave my stuff laying around - check.  Since I don't actually ever go in the pool, lounging accommodations are key for me. 
• We didn't make reservations at any fancy places this time, but did eat at a nice tapas place, Julian Serrano, in Aria couple of times.  I'm not a huge fan of mushroom risotto normally, but I absolutely loved it there.  It was perfect.
• Vic was quite pregnant looking.  She's due on Labor Day.  She and Mike haven't gone all sappy with the pregnancy.  That's the hardest thing about friends having babies, imho - are they going to completely change and go all sappy?  So far, we're looking good. 
• Avery did great while we were gone.  She apparently said twice that she missed us: once the day we left, then once on Sunday.  When she said it on Sunday, RHG explained we'd be back the next day and this was an acceptable answer for her.  When we went to pick her up at school on Monday afternoon, she ran towards me fast and furious and looked like she was about to cry, but just ended up hugging me tightly and saying "mommy" over and over.  It was so wonderful to get back for that hug. 
• We didn't pack until the morning of our outbound 9:30 flight to Vegas.  In case you're wondering, that's not a good idea.  In case you're wondering, I'm sure I'll still do it the next time we have a 9:30 flight.  
• We hit In N Out twice.  Each time I ordered my burger protein style.  I am very pleased to report it really didn't diminish my enjoyment of the burger!  In N Out uses such high quality lettuce that it does substitute as a bun in function.  Ordering a Burgerville burger protein style (i.e. bunless and wrapped in lettuce) is less successful since they use a less rigid lettuce.  It makes it much harder to eat.
• I paid $8.65 for 1 liter of water in the hotel.  I'm still floored by that.  Still. 

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Patience Bucket & Eddie 2005

I've been thinking a lot about my feelings during this post-Eddie time.  I bawled like a baby during the actual euthanasia session, however, I haven't cried since then.  I haven't even felt much more than wistful. In fact, it feels like a gigantic weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  It feels like I have a spring in my step.  Like I'm not trudging through mud everyday.  While I was aware that Eddie and his deterioration were weighing on me, I didn't realize the extent to which it was affecting me. 

I think many years ago, the loss of a pet didn't elicit much empathy from others. It was more a shrug of the shoulders type thing from what I've read.  That is definitely not the case now.  In fact, the empathy was almost too much because I felt somewhat emotionally inadequate in that I dealt with his death so well.  Thinking about it, I believe it's because I grieved Eddie's death during the last years of his life, rather than after his death.  For the previous two years, I would occasionally start crying on a walk when I'd think about Eddie not being able to do the trail walk anymore.  Or I'd start crying when I thought about losing him.  Each time I cleaned up yet another pile of poop, I'd remind myself to be patient and kind to Eddie because there would soon be a time when he wasn't around.  This type of grieving took a toll on me.  I don't have an infinite patience bucket.  When my patience bucket is empty, I feel overwhelmed and irritable.  And much of my patience bucket was being used during the first morning accident with Eddie.  Trying to replenish the bucket throughout the day as more and more accidents were happening, and my 3yo was acting like a 3yo, just wasn't working.

At the time, I kept thinking, "It's just poop.  You clean it up and move on with you day.  Why am I finding this so difficult?"  The patience bucket concept hadn't entered my mind.  But it's really hard to run the day's race when you come out of the starting gate and trip into a pile of shit.

Eddie was a terrific dog.  I miss the Eddie of 2005.  I miss his spirit and his love.  I miss his happiness and enthusiasm for life.  I miss Eddie 2005. 

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Avery & Sleep

It's been a while since I've documented Avery's new nighttime habits.  I like to go back and see how we progressed or regressed, so here goes.  One recent change is nice and holding somewhat strong.  For the past couple of months, around 6:15 or 6:30, Avery will ask insist on going to bed.  Normally we start the bedtime routine around 7:30 and wrap up with it about 8:00 or 8:15.  On these nights when she insists on starting early, we wrap up about 7:00.  She does not usually go to sleep any earlier on these nights, but rather chooses to play in her room or on her picnic blanket (i.e. a blanket placed on the floor at the threshold of her door).  She plays dress up, makes patterns using her bibs, plays with cars, puts her babies to sleep, whatever.  Sometimes she does her best to get out of her room.  The only thing that releases her from her room is going potty, but she's trying a few other things.  For example, last night, first she said she needed her bibs that she'd left in the living room.  We granted permission because her bibs are always important to her (meaning, this isn't a made up thing that she really wants).  A while later she said she wanted to go potty.  That was obviously granted.  The next time she announced she needed to come downstairs because she wanted to show us the hole in her bib.  To that both D and I answered an emphatic, "No!" and Avery ceased her tricks to escape her room for the evening.

For the most part, we still take the approach that she chooses when to go to sleep once we leave her room, but she must be somewhat quiet and in her room once we leave.  For the most part, this results in an extra 30 minutes or so of quiet playing (sometimes more, usually less) before she finally decides to go to sleep.  It works for us too because it takes the power struggle out of bed time since she never actually protests starting the nighttime routine.  I'm consistently and eternally grateful* she doesn't protest at all when we announce it's time to go to bed.  We have all sorts of other battles during the day (combing her hair, brushing her teeth properly, getting dressed, etc), so a battle for bedtime when I'm most tired is not one that I want.

For the past, man, I don't know how long ... 6 months?  More? Less?  Anyway, for a long period of time now, she's been sleeping in our bed for anywhere from 1-6 hours in the early morning hours, depending upon her arrival time.  D has pondered whether we should do something about it, as have I.  I have landed in the camp of it doesn't bother me, she goes to sleep in her own bed/floor alone without a fuss, and I like having her sleep with us for a bit, so what's the harm?  I think I might have a different reaction if she wasn't able to fall asleep on her own, or insisted that she fall asleep in our bed, but I don't know.  All I know is that since it doesn't keep me awake like it did when she was a baby, I don't mind having her sleep with us.  I actually really like it most of the time.  The other night she wandered into our room on the early side of the night and D and I were still awake reading.  She opened the door and paused when she saw our lights on.  Her hair was all tousled, she was very sleepy looking and she was "sneaking" quietly into the room.  We said it was OK for her to come in, at which point she woke up completely and started jabbering away about coming into our room and how she just needed to bring in a bunch of bibs.  After fetching about 20 bibs and placing them in our bed, she climbed up and proceeded to fall asleep within a minute with D and I smiling at each other the whole time.  

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Offspring Goggles

Talking about the smile between D and I when Avery joins us in our room, or when she's just talking and talking and talking about something, reminds me of a post Heather did called Shared Sight.

I can't speak for all parents, but I know Todd and I see our children with biased eyes. When we spout the clichés about Eddie and Mari being the two most interesting, captivating children we've ever met, we actually mean it. We delight in learning more about therm. And I'm perfectly aware that others don't think they're as amazing as Todd and I do. Even their grandparents don't have quite the same fascination. It's a parent thing.

While Heather was addressing this shared sight in terms of open adoption, I see it similar to what I call Offspring Goggles - like beer goggles, only with children.  The goggles don't eliminate my ability to see Avery's misbehavior or offenses towards other children - as if she has any ;) - but they definitely enhance her infinitely in our eyes.  One of the greatest gifts of parenthood, to me, is the shared love D and I have for Avery.  No matter what, I can go on and on and on about how cute and how smart and how everything Avery is to D, and he always sees it the same way.  Because, damn it, we just adore that little girl so very much.  She's just perfect to us.  Even her imperfections are perfect to us.  We both know, as I think all parents do, that others don't see her the same way we do.  We know that what is adorable and amazing to us is usually just another skill most kids acquire at some point, yet we still get to experience this elation together.  And that we get to do that because we are still married and both still alive and still happy together is something for which I'm eternally grateful*. 

* Don't ask me to compare these two things for which I'm eternally grateful since I cannot think logically when sleep is involved. Also asterisked because I wanted to note that yes, I do know I used this sappy phrase twice in one post, but I meant it both times.