week(14) 2013

week 14, March 31 - April 6

random

It worked! My paperless transition and scanning and filing method worked! And it was way more efficient than if I'd had to find the paper. When the washing machine malfunctioned causing the water damage, I wanted to see if this sort of thing would be an exclusion in our policy (it's not - whew), so I typed a few key words into my search box and it immediately found our insurance policy. It didn't find it based on the file name, but rather by searching the contents of the PDF because I OCR'd all the documents. Yes, I'm very pleased with myself. 

depression ...
... or should I say lack of depression? The past 7 + days have been quite good, both relative to my current situation and overall. The most important factors to this change:

• mindfulness; redirecting thoughts into the present; staying out of the past and the future; meditation
• medication
• exercise
• lack of excessive added sugar

That's the list of things I'm very confident have a direct impact on my current mood, as well as staving off - or at least minimizing or shortening the length of - future depressive episodes*. Changes I've made that I'm not overly confident sway the depression one way or the other, but that I think are good changes:

• regular sleep schedule. I'm not sleeping even close to through the night at the moment, but I know from past experience that this could very well just be because a habit has built up of waking every hour or so. Nonetheless, even with restless sleep, I think the regular schedule works for me.
• cutting out Diet Coke. This means I don't drink any pop/soda because I mostly drank Diet Coke. I know this directly affects my sugar intake since when I drink Diet Coke, tend to eat less healthy (i.e. more sugary) things. 

* I have a whopping sample size of 1 to say this, but it was a stark difference from usual, so I'm going to optimistically assume this minimizing/shortening will prove true in the future.

********
I had one bad 1/2 day this week, however, everyone has bad days, particularly when life is stressful. This is one aspect of my "manage my depression better!" campaign that frustrates me. How to differentiate between normal and not normal. My therapist says it doesn't matter, and I'm quite sure that's what my depression book is saying too. What you're feeling is what you're feeling. Feel it. Gah. I still wish there were some test I could take that would definitively show that depression is real and that some people are simply more prone to it than others. I love literal gray; I hate figurative gray.

exercise

My walk/runs with Abbie are still going well. Somedays are tricky to fit it into the schedule. The run itself isn't long, but I have to consider where I'm going afterward (i.e. will I need to shower immediately?) and where Avery is.

The current snag with the runs is that my left foot/ankle is really hurting. It's the ankle I injured in HS rock climbing (that sounds really bad ass, but I fell after scaling maybe 10 feet - too much slack in the rope and I sprained my ankle). The top and outer edge of my foot hurts along with the ankle. I've noticed that it's not too bad getting up the big hill, but once I start any descent - even minor ones - my foot immediately hurts. My plan is to look up and do strengthening exercises for ankles and feet, eliminate all downhill running from my walk/run. If this has no effect after a week or two, or if the pain gets significantly worse, I'll go to the doctor. What I do not want to happen is a complete break from the big uphill run. I hate it at the bottom, but I love it at the top. Plus, I've developed some pretty good thigh muscles. And I fit into my old clothes. Not the old, old clothes when I was quite small, but the ones I was wearing several years ago. I'll take it. --- Wednesday

I tried running only the flat & uphill parts. That works much better. I still have pain, but it's not the kind where I think I should really not be doing this. --- Saturday

Abbie

Abbie had her first of five boarding school days yesterday.  I think it went great. She was tired afterward (always a good thing). And the trainer said she was one of the best German Shepherds she'd ever worked with. Great temperament, great with other dogs, not at all aggressive, a bit on the shy side, but not too much to worry about. She seemed better yesterday afternoon, but I'm quite sure that was the tiredness. We'll see how the other sessions affect her.  --- Friday

I'm sure this is just me convincing myself that the money is worth it, but Abbie does seem better able to settle herself down near me. And she doesn't freak out quite so much when I leave her sight. For example, when I go into the garage and close the door behind me, she's always scratched at the door trying to open it (twice resulting in locking me out). I tried this a few times yesterday (because Barkley is here for the weekend and the dogs have had a few scuffles) and she didn't jump up on the door once. Again, not a big enough sample size to truly know anything, but it's better than nothing. --- Saturday

week(13) 2013

week 13, March 24 - 30

mish-mash 

I did a longer walk with Abbie this morning than I did yesterday. She seems ready to resume all normal activity so the next 6 days of low activity with her is going to be tough. Following that walk, I did my walk/jog. I'm jogging more than I'm walking now. The lunges I added ~5 days ago are sticking. I do them in an area where it's really hard for others to see so I don't feel quite so silly. I mean, I think doing lunges in public is perfectly acceptable, but I would still prefer to do them in private when I have a dog pulling me off to smell various piles of dirt. --- Sunday

22 minutes! That's what I walked/ran my 2 mile route around the cemetery today. So it's an 11 minute mile, but that includes running up those damn hills and periods of walking to do lunges and avoid running down the super steep parts (I don't want to injure myself and there's no reason to go downhill if I don't want to). Oh and I only rested once for about 10 seconds on the whole way up the hill. The elevation of the main hill is a change of 233' for a distance of 1486'. I think that might mean the grade of the hill is 16%, but damned if I know. All I know is that I'm stoked it was that fast. I thought I'd be lucky if the whole route was under 30 minutes.  I only have Tuesday - Friday of this week to see if I can maintain or improve that because once Abbie joins me again, I'll be slower and unable to calculate what *I* did versus what she wanted to sniff. --- Monday

I'm proud to report that I did my run even without Abbie everyday this week. I would walk Abbie about a mile before so she could get exercise without pushing it after her surgery. Then I would drop her back at home and go out on my own. Go me!  There are still days where it is the last thing I want to do, but I'm always glad I did it. Pre-Run Megan just has to remember that Post-Run Megan is at least twice as happy and productive as Pre-Run Megan. --- Saturday

Abbie and I did well in training class today. Well, until about 15 minutes left in class then she was just d.o.n.e. Once she hits her done point, there's nothing I can do other than try to keep her quiet for the rest of the class. I also signed her up for five weeks of 1 day/week training with a trainer. I decided it was worth the money to lift this huge burden from my mind. All I can keep thinking about is having a huge GS who doesn't listen and is out of control. I'm working with her as much as I can, but as I've said, it's hard right now. After those are over, she'll (probably) go to the dog camp once a week. I'm going to check it out next Thursday to make sure I'm OK with how it's run and how the dogs are transported, etc.  --- Tuesday

I think Abbie's spay surgery did actually calm her down a very slight amount. That's what I'm telling myself anyway. I'm looking forward to this coming Thursday when she'll have her first day of boarding school training. 

Avery

This week was her spring break from school. We had a couple of playdates with Henry and Christie; Avery had a couple at the G's house; Elise came over for a sleepover. In general, a pretty laid back week.  

Her writing and reading are developing quickly. She can write out sentences and cards without help by sounding out the letters. I had this thing I wanted to scan that she wrote in her room (with no grown ups around). It was leaps and bounds beyond where she was even two weeks ago. It's very cool to watch this stage of learning. And she's so excited to learn to read. She loves to make cards and books for people. Because she's left handed, her books are assembled backward, but who cares?! :) 

During a playdate, she found one of my old shirts that I never wore. It was a buy from a Lucy warehouse sale, so great quality at a very cheap price. However, it just never looked good on me. Anyway, she put it on as a dress and came up to me and said, "Mama, can you sew this to make it more fashionable?" I happened to have my sewing machine out at that point, so a sewing I went and it does indeed look more fashionable. 

depression/anxiety

I realized yesterday that, in all my recent depression and anxiety, there are been one sign of anxiety absent. I've had no breathing problems. This has traditionally been one of the most obvious and first signs of oncoming bouts of depression and/or anxiety. But it hasn't shown up. It shows up slightly if I'm talking about it not showing up, but doesn't stay past the mention of it. Credit to the mindfulness practices? Probably. I still have one huge anxiety outlet that I would love to get rid of: clenching, grinding and cheek chewing. My cheeks are shredded. It doesn't hurt, but it surely can't be good for them. The clenching is mostly at night and I wear my night guard most nights to minimize the grinding. It's really hard to get something in check when you're asleep. --- Sunday

Today has been a good day all day. I've had to, as I and everyone else always will (if you are to believe in this method), redirect myself to be mindful throughout the day, but I think I'm doing it more quickly now than before. That is, I'm recognizing when I've gone into "doing" mode and shift myself back to "being" mode. It kills me how new age-y this stuff all sounds, but it's working and it's helping immensely so I shall wear it proud like I drive my minivan proudly. Embrace the shame!   --- Tuesday

Most of the week was very good in terms of depression. I have my moments where I'm pushing through a bit, but not moments where I know pushing through is a bad thing. It's a fine line to walk, but I feel as if I'm getting a better sense for where that line is for me. I do feel like things are stabilizing

water. lots of water.

On Sunday, I started a load of laundry after a very productive morning of cleaning. Quite pleased with myself, I sat down in my office for a break. I then heard Abbie whining in her crate with more zest than usual as well as something that sounded like a popping sound. I walked into the living room to find water pouring out of one of the flood light sockets and a huge puddle of water underneath. The water was running down the walls and everywhere. I ran upstairs and shut down the washing machine. The floor up there was flood too. I threw down some sheets, which in hindsight is silly given how very much water there was. I can't imagine they did any good. 

After shutting the washer down, I Googled "water emergency clean up portland" and called the first provider I saw. They were at the house about 45 minutes later to start the clean up and dry out process. 

I filed an insurance claim on Monday. The damages should be covered, minus the deductible, so at least there's probably that). The washing machine was fixed on Wednesday. The carpets on both levels are dried, but missing carpet padding beneath them. The carpet in the living room seems unsalvageable to me, but we'll see what the insurance company says.  

After the initial shock of seeing water pouring out of the ceiling, the rest of the week was easy enough to deal with. I cried a bit on Sunday over it. 

week(12) 2013

week 12, March 17 - 23

Today's walk/run with Abbie went well. I, again, ran all three uphill segments in the cemetery, as well as sprinting up a smaller uphill portion on the way home. I also added some lunges to our trek along one of the flatter parts of the walk. --- Sunday

The GoldieBlox that I pre-ordered for Avery arrived recently. This morning Avery and I tried it out. It's somewhat interesting, but I'm not sure how much of its goal it achieves. Avery was engaged, but happy to move onto the next activity after about 15 minutes or so.--- Sunday

When everyone in your life, including your therapist, says you should wait on something - in this case a job search or job training - I suppose it's good to follow their advice. So I'm waiting just a bit before I concentrate on that. I have to deal with the depression and adjust to my new reality a bit before I take the next huge step. Part of me feels that indicates I'm not serious about going back to work, but most of me knows that it actually means the opposite. I have to learn to manage the depression and heal the current wounds before moving on to such a big undertaking. In the meantime, I'm concentrating on doing small things that I simply don't want to do just because it helps prevent the downward spiral of depression. Perhaps it's more accurate to say that it helps me climb up every so slightly each day. --- Thursday

Right now, per my therapist's advice, I'm doing something I used to enjoy doing before this round of depression hit hard recently: I'm making stuff using my Silhouette. I'm making card cutouts for D and me to put in Avery's lunch each day when one of us makes it. Avery loves cards and notes, so hopefully it'll make her feel special and loved, as she is. --- Thursday

Abbie had her spay surgery yesterday. She did well, though was quite groggy and out of it last night. Not to mention whiney. The whininess hasn't stopped, but she is back to her mischief seeking self. The cone of shame limits the amount of mischief she can get into, but mischief she will make, I assure you. The vet also found she has a pretty big ulcer on the bottom of her tongue. In an older dog, she would think cancer, but given Abbie's age it's probably due to some sort of trauma. She's on antibiotics for it and the vet will check it again when we return for our 7 day post-surgery check up. --- Saturday  

Sometimes there is something I want a text reminder about, but it's not something I want noted on my regular calendar. I could schedule it as an all-day event, but I tend to gloss over those. My default for calendar events on my main calendar is no reminders. Therefore, I were I to enter these one-off items on that calendar, I would always have to change the reminder to be an SMS reminder. Then it occurred to me that I could create a calendar specifically for texts. I set the default reminder to be SMS at 1 minute before the event. On my phone, I set texts coming from Google Calendar to be a particular text tone so I know what type of text is coming in. Perfect. Examples of how I use this: Abbie medication. She's got a ton of medication right now after her surgery, in addition to regular flea/tick/heartworm medication and preventative (de?)worming stuff. I have to remember what days and times to do all these things. Now I just enter them as items on my text calendar and boom! automatic text reminders. It all sounds complicated, but it's really not and the system is working perfectly for me. I do love a good system. 

depression

Always deserving of its own category is my ongoing management of my depression. This week and the end of last were the first in a while where I truly felt the pull of the downward spiral into full-on depression. That's the one where I find it really hard to get out of bed, really hard to function, really hard to feel anything, and just really hard to be. I followed my therapist's advice, as well as that in my depression book, and used "gentle compassion" with myself and tried not to judge myself harshly. In part because of others' reactions to my depression - as well as my own - in the past, this has been a difficult task. I think it'll take quite a while before the harsh judgement of myself for having/suffering/succumbing to depression will dissipate to be replaced by acceptance and action to minimize the downward spiral while giving myself a break (more so mentally than physically).

Monday was bad, but Tuesday was when it really hit me like a truck. I decided to follow advice and just take it easy all day and not Push Through to prove my strength or my motivation to work on this issue. I asked Mom to drive Avery to school, then I did about an hour of meditation, and took a morning nap. This required I miss Abbie's puppy class, so I did have to work on forgiving myself for that. For the afternoon, after I'd given myself such a break, I forced myself to not give into the desire to check-out too much and picked Avery up at school. She had an appointment with her therapist. It was her first solo appointment with Mariah. Originally I was to come back to the appointment with about 20 minutes to spare in the session to join them, but when I got there, Avery wanted to continue with the solo session. Whatever they talked about really helped Avery. She was moody and sulky before going into therapy and came out happy and, for lack of a better word, lighter. While Avery was in with Mariah, I took Abbie for a walk around the neighborhood, which eased my guilt a bit about not doing the puppy class or our usual walk/jog. 

Wednesday was again pretty rough. I had therapy in the morning which was a difficult session. Mom picked Avery up from school and spent the afternoon with her. Here is where I don't have any guilt. Avery had the best time with Nain. They baked cupcakes to give to Avery's teachers the next day. The often go on walks to the park together and just have a great time. I'm not sure what I'd be doing right now, given the current situation, without the knowledge that Avery has this steady person she can depend on and whom she loves so, and who loves her. Mom had to make a number of sacrifices to move here last year. They have been difficult for her and others, but right now I am so very, very grateful that they were made. I don't know how I'll ever pay Mom back. Thank you, Mom. I love you. /sap (that means "end sap" in semi-code-y-techie language). We shall never speak of this sap in person, tyvm. 

Thursday morning, after I dropped Avery at school, Amber came over to do the dog walk with me. Thank goodness. I'm quite sure I wouldn't have been able to do it otherwise. It got the day off to a better start. While not quite pulling out of the spiral, I believe it halted my further descent for the day. Avery and I also had dinner with the Gs that night. RHG baked gluten-free biscuits for me, so now I drive around with an "I ♥ RHG" bumpersticker on my sweet ride. 

Friday we had some climbing up from the spiral! Yipee! I had to leave the house early to get Abbie into the vet by 7:45 for her spay surgery. Avery and I headed to the G's house early, waited a while, then headed out with Nolan to take the kids to school. After dropping them off, I intended to do the a walk/jog (obviously sans Abbie) immediately, but I didn't. The pull was strooonnng. So I let myself nap. However, upon waking from that short nap, I got up, ate a little food, then I did the walk/jog. This is a major, major success. Not only did I do it without the motivation of "I must take the dog" but I did it after I'd mentally written it off for the day. I felt oh-so-much better after that. Mom picked up Avery from school, so I picked Avery up from her house, headed to the vet's office to pick up Abbie, then drove to the G's to pick up Elise for a sleepover. We dyed Easter eggs and the girls played. I tried to get them to sleep in Avery's room together and failed miserably at that. They both ended up in my bed. They are both pretty darn cute when sleeping, I'll say that. 

This morning, Saturday, I woke up feeling quite good. Abbie's driving me crazy with her whining, but I've been able to contain that annoyance with a good attitude that hasn't impacted the kids or my attitude for the day. Again, major milestone. I can't take Abbie on her usual walk/jog, so I did it alone, then came back for a short walk with Abbie. Midway through the day and I'm feeling strong and up. No downward spiral pull. That doesn't mean I'm through this bout, of course, but it does mean that I'm learning how to deal with the pull a little better. 

The rest of this weekend will be a test for me, but I feel strong going into it. Instead of loading up on activities with friends as I did last weekend, I am planning to spend it alone. The alone part of things doesn't worry me. The balance of being gentle with myself but not shutting down is the key. Baby steps. 

week(11) 2013

week(11), March 10 - March 16

random

I've been monitoring my credit card charges lately. It's a newly resumed practice for me. Wouldn't you know it, the first week of doing this and I found that New Seasons charged me $154 for a $24 purchase! It turns out the cashier forgot to close out the transaction, so I ended up paying for the person behind me. This person just happened to be a New Seasons employee, as evidenced by their employee discount being applied to the $154 bill. I didn't ask if that meant the person behind me didn't get charged, or if it meant that this person was charged as well. Regardless, NS will be refunding me the excess charge. I was a little disappointed with the customer service. While the bookkeeper was nice and pleasant, she didn't apologize even once. That really bothers me. 

Christie and RHG have been having me over to their respective homes for dinner each week. It's really, really, really helpful and nice to have that happening right now. It won't last forever, of course, but for now it's wonderful. Thank you both. 

exercise

I was curious how long my daily walk/jog with Abbie, so I mapped it out. It's 1.9 miles. Of that, I run 1 mile total. Today I ran 2.5 portions of the 3 major uphill segments. I think I can get to all three soon, but I'll still have to stop and rest for 15 seconds or so between each segment. Progress is progress. --- Friday

I ran (i.e. stumbled as fast as I could) up all three segments in the cemetery!   --- Saturday

Abbie

No post is complete without Abbie information, particularly given how much time and energy she takes right now. She's being spayed on Friday, March 22nd. It's possible that she might calm down a bit. Wouldn't that be nice? 

After x amount of recovery time - tbd by the vet - I plan to sign her up to go to Run! Day Camp for Dogs. Of course, I'll visit the farm before I send her, but barring anything shocking or unworthy of $36 per day, it'll give me a break one day per week. The only snag is that the pickup time is 7-9 am. If it's closer to 9, then I'll have to have Mom drive Avery to school. However, I think that sacrifice (on Mom's part) is worth it for a whole day break from The Abscess (my nickname for her when she's being a pain in the butt). 

I'm also considering doing 1 punchcard for five day trainings at Wonder Puppy. It's so much money, though, that I don't know if it's a good idea. $625 for the five days plus a 1 hour transfer session. What I am confident of, after having seen several of their trainers in action, is that it's an excellent school and they use only positive methods. However, $625. Ugh. If I knew it would do wonders to help with her jumping and her excitement upon meeting, well, anyone, and her snatching of things that aren't hers, I think I'd do it. I guess I'll talk to the trainers to see if the skills I really, really need her to be taught (and where I'm apparently failing miserably) will translate from their training sessions to my house. But $625. Ugh again. 

Wonders

Wonders never cease

I cooked dinner with no recipe yesterday.  I know.  I was shocked, too.  We like this blue cheese encrusted filet mignon recipe.  One day it occurred to me that I might like to have meatballs made with blue cheese, panko, and parsley.  I tried it last night and it was delicious. I was most pleased with myself.  We had green beans and potatoes (from my ridiculous trip to the farmers market) with it.  When Avery was eating the green beans, she said, "Just like Teacher Theresa!"  They often have green beans at lunch, so I guess she now associates those with Teacher Theresa.

Following my monumental dinner, I went to workout while D put Avery down for the night. When I came home, Avery wasn't asleep yet, so I went up to have a quick cuddle before bed.  She was so cute: "You go to gym gym?"  After confirming that I did indeed go to gym gym, she said, "You go change your shirt."  I was a bit sweaty, I guess.

Teacher Theresa

Avery seems to really love being around Teacher Theresa.  She talks about her often.  She seems happier when I drop her off on the days when TT is there all day.  Avery goes to school two days per week, but TT is only there ½ day on one of those days.  As such, I'm going to ask if I can shift Avery's schedule so that she's there on days when TT is there full time on both days.  It puts the days Avery is in school on a schedule less than ideal for me, but I figure it's more important that Avery is fully happy there.

"Training"

I have to put training in quotes since I'm never sure how serious I am about this stuff until I've been doing it a while.  However, since we have signed up the half marathon in October (what was I thinking?), I figure I should at least attempt to train for it.  D came up with a training schedule for himself.  I'm adapting it to my personality and tendencies and we'll see where that lands me. I don't care about my time for the half marathon, but I do care about not injuring myself, so my main goal is to be in good enough shape to get through it in one piece.

I went to the gym immediately after dropping Avery off at school.  I did both cardio and weights, then came home and walked the dogs.  So my entire morning was spent being very active.  I plan to go to the weight toning class tomorrow (unless I chicken out, which is always a possiblity when it's a workout class - I'm fine once I'm IN the class and I've done it once, but getting through the doors that first time kicks my ass).

Daddy / Daughter Camping Trip

D and Avery were invited on a first annual daddy / daughter camping trip!  I am both excited and jealous.  While not a camper, I know Avery will be so excited on this trip and I'll miss not being able to take part.  However, what could be better than daddy/daughter camping?  Not much, I'm sure.  She's undoubtedly going to have tons of fun with Daddy and the other girls.  We will need to purchase a tent, but I think it's well worth it for such an event. 

So, ladies, I have a free free weekend!  (Did anyone see Rules of Engagement this week? If you did, you'll get the "free free" reference.)  Planning shall commence offline if anyone else can manage to free themselves of kiddos for the weekend (edited to add: which is at the end of June).