Falafel #20 - I Want My $2!

Since when did it become acceptable to charge a monthly $2 fee for billing? Here's the sequence of events:

1. We give our business to your company
2. We agree to pay our bills in the most efficient, reliable, and immediate manner possible via automatic account withdrawl
3. Corporate MFer's still charge us a "service fee" of $2 each month for the privilege of being responsible customers

Huh?

We switched over to Farmer's for our insurance. The agent is very responsive and nice and the quotes came in very close to what she'd stated for the cars and much lower for the house, yet I already have ill will towards them since I get charged $2 per month in order to pay my bill. I called to ask about some other things and she said that those were one-time policy fees (fine) and that the service charge was monthly, but it was worth it because we were getting a discount for paying that way. Are companies stupid? If you want that stupid $2 per month, just offer a smaller discount for paying in that manner and take your stupid $2 out of that. Don't make me feel like I have to pay a fee in order to pay my bill.

Idiots. Corporate America (and I'm sure corporate anywhere) sucks.

I want my $2! (Reference to the classic line from Better Off Dead)

Falafel #19: Videos Anywhere Other Than YouTube

Why is it that YouTube seems to be the only site that has figured out how to stream video without making me wait for insane periods of time for it to happen?

I wanted to watch Superbowl ads, so I went to CBS, the logical place where one would go to view ads aired on their network. I watch one ad - perfect! I try to watch another and just get the "loading" message over and over and it won't load a second message. I close the tab, open it again, am able to watch an ad, try to view another, loading, loading, loading ....

I go to YouTube and can watch every single ad without issue and virtually no loading time.

Why exactly do all these companies think it would be better to keep content off YouTube and put it on their sites? All is does is make me loathe, and look down upon, your company because you can't do it even 1/4 as good as YouTube.

Falafel #18 - Hard Butter

What is the logic of having butter so hard that it won't spread onto the bread? It seems like the fanciness of the restaurant is in direct proportion to the hardness of the butter: the fancier and more expensive, the harder the butter is to spread. It really bugs me.

Falafel #17 - Whoroween

Since when did Halloween become an excuse for girls to dress up like whores? Mean Girls definitely hit the nail on the head with this line: "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."

While at to dinner last night, we saw girl after girl dressed up for Halloween, but they didn't really have an actual costume - they were just dressed up in various pieces of skimpy clothing in an effort to show as much skin as possible.

One group of girls was maybe 15 (probably 13) and they were all standing in the waiting area of the restaurant. I felt like I was at some kiddie porn convention. All the girls were dressed in an outfit every dirty, jail-bait-searching, pervert would die to see them in. Two in particular were just awful, with one standing out even more because she was about 6" tall and had these very long legs. I'm sure she's very attractive, but I didn't see her face. Why on earth would anyone look at her face or listen to what she has to say when she's wearing that? Everyone around this girl would turn to their partner and say, "I would NEVER let my kid out wearing that!" Some said it loud enough for her to hear, others waited for her to get out of earshot. She was wearing 4" high heels, Daisy Duke jeans shorts (basically just pockets), then had on a psuedo-fireman's jacket (basically the kind of fireman's jacket a stripper would wear). WTF? I know this doesn't seem that bad, but she might as well have been walking around naked. I should have tipped her off on the kiddy pole-dancing kit.

I blame Paris Hilton. And Lindsay Lohan. And Britney Spears. And Joe Simpson. Mostly Paris.

Falafel #16 - "I have to be honest..."

If you're going to begin a response with, "I have to be honest..." at least make sure what follows is something that is difficult to say. Not something that is either obvious or really nice.

Scenario 1 - Acceptable Usage

Sue: "Do I smell?"
Me: "I have to be honest, yeah, my nose is stinging and I've been breathing through my mouth."

Scenario 2 - Unacceptable/Annoying Usage

Sue: "Do I smell?"
Me: "I have to be honest, no."

Notice the lameness associated with Scenario 2? If not, I have to be honest with you and let you know you sound like an idiot "breaking" news that isn't actually difficult.

The other thing that drives me nuts about the phrase is that it insinuates that you are not honest all the time because you have to call out the few times you are.

Falafel #15 - Me & The Makeup Counter Lady

This is kind of a two-in-one falafel. I can't decide if I'm more upset with the woman behind the makeup counter or with myself. I drive all the way to the mall, spend 5 minutes looking for a space, 15 minutes making my way through the mall to the department store, give the girl behind the makeup counter my tube of mascara and say I want another one just like it. What happens? She gives me a tube, I don't look at it, then I pay.

When will I learn to look at the tube before paying?! This is the second time in as many trips that they have given me the wrong color and I have to drive all the way back to exchange it. I actually wouldn't care all that much if it weren't in the huge, suburban shopping mall, but I absolutely loathe going to those things because a 5 minute task takes me 30 minutes to complete. Argh!

Falafel #14 - Over 100%

Dear Mathematically Challenged People,

You cannot give 110%. When you say you are someone that gives 110% or 120% or 200%, you are only showing that you are incapable of doing math and are, quite frankly, a liar. I find it annoying and it only makes me roll my eyes at you. Stop it.

Cuddles,
Megan

Falafel #13 - Rebates

Rebates are so stupid. I know why companies offer them: it makes the price seem lower and only a small percentage of people actually redeem their rebates. The only positive experience that I've ever had with rebates is with TiVo when they graciously agreed to give me a rebate despite the fact I was missing the original UPC code (I had all other proof of purchase information since I bought it from them).

It drives me nuts that I have to mark on my calendar when my rebate should arrive and then about 75% of the time, I have to chase down the rebate. For instance, D just bought a new phone from T Mobile and their website shows that they never received the rebate submission. Bastards! It just makes me loathe a company when they make people do this. It certainly does not build brand loyalty, except in the case of TiVo who made the process easy and efficient.

Falafel #12 - Missing Subjects

This is a falafel that will come as no surprise to some of my readers (all three of you) since I've been a bit of a subject-hounder when someone consistently fails to apply them. I cannot stand when people do not put subjects on their emails and/or their blog posts.

Emails: when you don't put a subject on a email, it just makes it much more difficult to find. It's there for a reason and is very useful. Use it!

Blog Posts: this one is actually very key. If you don't put in a subject, then what happens when people use an RSS feeder is that the post either comes over as being blank or it brings over the first x words of your post making it look very sloppy. Both are extremely annoying. To give a visual, here is what it looks like on a Google personalized page when a blog post has no subject. See - "watch and learn" has a subject, but "Where in the World is Nellie?" just looks like she has no posts. She does have a post and she posts often, but I can never tell because she never puts in subjects. Argh!

Falafel #11 - Stupid Companies

This is very similar to Falafel #9 in concept, but damn it! It's pissing me off. I have tried and tried to get my email address changed with ProFlowers. I like their reminder service and would like to continue to purchase flowers through them. However, after 3 emails from me, during which I was required to provide a myriad of personal information to get my email address changed, and they are still sending emails to the wrong account. Why is my email address so unchangeable for a stupid flower company and all it took to change it with all other sites (including airline programs, financial sites, etc) was logging in and changing the damn thing. Stupid, stupid company.

Falafel #10 - I'll just have some of yours...

My Dearest Husband,

When I order dessert and you say, "I'll just have some of yours," that ain't right. I ordered it wanting to eat the whole thing, not 3/4, not 1/2, not 1/4. I don't care if you only take a few bites. You're still taking food out of my mouth and I don't like it. Not one little bit. Oh, and that bite of cake, where you took a big chunk of my frosting... not cool. Not cool at all.

Always,
Your Loving Wife

Falafel #9 - Direct TV's Website

Dear DirecTV IT person -

Your website sucks. How can you think anyone who wants to view all available Pay Per View movies would want to click through 11 different pages, rather than just see a list of movies available? Did you really think we'd be all happy about seeing icons for each movie rather than having a functional, practical, easy-to-use website? Also, when you stick a filter on your site to view all "Current" vs "Coming Soon" movies, you might want to actually beta test that functionality before going live with it. Just a basic tip.

Yours Truly,
The Woman Who Won't Give You My $3.99 Just Because I Refuse to Support Bad Websites

Falafel #8 - Lethal Packaging

You know the packaging you get when you buy a new curling iron, or an MP3 player, or anything that is small and easy to shoplift, so they put it in the hard, clear plastic packaging that could only be opened by Houdini? Here's a picture to give you a visual (taken using my Photobooth on my new iMac).


It enrages me trying to get the damn things open. I always wonder what the elderly do when they buy something in this type of packaging. Or someone with a physical disability. Solution: someone with a disability should really sue the companies using this packaging under the Americans with Disabilities Act. I'm not normally pro-litigation, but someone need to put a stop to this. I'm going to get a very bad cut one day and it'll be the fault of all the rich, spoiled handicapped* people who didn't live up to their duty to sue.

*If you think I was a bit harsh with the handicapped after reading this post, you need to brush up on your Seinfeld references.

Falafel #7 - Irresponsible Dog Owners

Two simple rules that all dog-owners should have the common sense to follow:

1. If you cannot control your dog off leash and you're not in a secluded area, put your dog on a freakin' leash! Allowing him/her to charge my two dogs walking nicely on leashes is not acceptable.

2. Pick up the poop. Are you really so arrogant as to think the rest of society should have to step over/on your dog's shit? You're not that special. No one is. Pick it up, you lazy bastard. And if you forget a poop bag, drive back and pick it up after the walk. It's not that tough.

Falafel #6 - Cheese Askew

How difficult is it to put the cheese on my fish sandwich at McDonald's such that it is evenly distributed across the sandwich? Apparently, this task must be a daunting one because I cannot remember the last time I went to McDonald's, placed my usual order (yes, I know it's loaded in fat), and received a sandwich where the cheese WASN'T hanging half way out one side of the sandwich. I wouldn't mind this so much if they hadn't reduced the amount of cheese they give you to a miniscule proportion. It's at least half what you used to get and when it's hanging off, that means much of my sandwich must go without cheese. Argh.

Line it up, people! Line it up.

Falafel #5 - Rudeness Without Cause

Location: Home Depot
Scenario: Home Depot employee walking down the aisle towards me

Ideal Interaction
Me, smiling: "Hello. Do you work in this department?"
Employee, smiling back: "Yes, I do. What can I help you with?"
OR
Employee, smiling back: "Yes, I do. I'm with another customer right now, but I'll be with you as soon as I can."

Actual Interaction
Me, smiling: "Hello. Do you work in this department?"
Employee, not making eye contact and not smiling: Grabs apron and lifts it up so I can see the paint splatters in a passive-aggressive way to say, "Duh."

Falafel #4 - People Who Don't Say "Thank You"

I have had several people walk up to me in the past few weeks to ask me various things: What time is it? Do you know how to get to this road? Do you have jumper cables?

To each one, I politely respond with as much information as I can and a nice tone. I try to be helpful. Why is it that these people, who approached ME, don't seem to know the common courtesy is to say, "Thank you!" after such an exchange? How can you just get your answer and then turn around and walk away without acknowledging me? It drives me absolutely bonkers.

Falafel #3 - People Who Don't Eat On Purpose

Dear Hollywood,

I realize that it is your duty to cast those people in movies who are far more beautiful and glamorous than us normal people. I agree with that concept; I don't want to see two ugly people make out on screen and I definitely like living in a world without cellulite, if only for a few hours.

However, I beg of you, please stop casting skeletons wearing clothes, particularly when the role requires action and picking up a 4-year-old child. I tried to watch Superman Returns with an open mind, but watching Kate Bosworth run around when no one weighing 80 lbs can possibly have any energy or strength was simply plain distracting. It's not attractive, it's not sexy, and it's simply very annoying. The best special effects in the movie were when she didn't fall over when picking up the child.

Sincerely,
Megan

Falafel #2 - That space is there for a reason, jackass!

Dear Jackass at Baggage Claim,

When I arrived at the baggage claim carousel before everyone else, I kindly left a gap between me and the carousel to allow those behind me, the slower people like yourself, room to step up and retrieve your bag should you see it pass by on the carousel. I did not leave that space so you can squeeze your fat ass and your mom and dad's into it, thereby not allowing me (first there) any room to see, let alone retrieve, my bag. You probably cut into the large space people leave between them and the car they're following while doing this little thing called "defensive driving," too! Space is good. It is your friend. Stop squeezing - you're going to get stuck one of these days.

Warmest Regards,
Megan

Falafel #1 - I could care less

When one says "I could care less," s/he is typically trying to say it doesn't matter, who cares, no skin off my back, this is so not important, etc, etc. However, the term isn't "could" it's "couldn't." How do people not realize this?! By saying, "I could care less," you're saying that it's entirely possible for you to care less, thus defeating the entire sentiment you're going for with the statement. Stop it! Examples:

1. It is accurate for me to say: "I could care less if people get the phrase 'I could care less' wrong." I really could care less because I care a great deal if you get that phrase wrong. It drives me crazy!
   
2. It is accurate for me to say: "I couldn't care less if George W. Bush gets a very painful paper cut while signing one of his incredibly stupid Signing Statements." It's not possible for me to care less if he has a painful paper cut. I care as little as a human being possibly can about his paper cut.
   

Sub-falafel: People who have no idea what a signing statement is. If you don't, you should really pay more attention. Here, read this article in the Boston Globe: Bush Challenges hundreds of laws.