Flatline

                     
☝that is a graph of my weight loss 
So that goal of losing weight? I'm being as good as I can be without going overboard. I'm walking 4 miles (fast) up and down the hills around here everyday. I'm doing Crossfit twice a week. I'm logging my calories to make sure I don't go crazy. I've been doing this for three weeks now. Do you know what I have to show for it? NOTHING.  Absolutely nothing. I have lost exactly one pound and that's a come and go pound (you know, the one you have if you weigh yourself now, but not when you weigh yourself in 5 hours, but then it's back in another 5 hours).  WTF? Stupid, stupid aging. I blame it all on aging. There are two things keeping me going on this kick:

• I feel better, mentally and physically, throughout the day when I walk in the mornings. 
• My body has rearranged some of its mass in a more pleasing way. 

However, my body fat % is still very high and my weight is still high. I haven't paid close attention to my body fat percentage, but I can say that if it's changed, it's only changed by at most 1%. 

So this is my frustration for the moment. I don't really have much else to say about it other than fuck aging's effect on my metabolism. 

Crossfit yesterday was more squats, alternating those with handstand pushups. Before you go and get all impressed by me (as if you could after reading the above), know that I can do a handstand, but I cannot do a handstand push up. So I would do a handstand, then drop down and do a cheater pushup ... because I can't even do more than one proper pushup.

Fountains and Parks and Parenting Self-Esteem
Avery has been to fountains around town three of the last three days, tyvm. At least I'm keeping her active. We played at the OHSU fountain for two hours on Monday. I had Elise and Nolan for the afternoon, and we met Christie & Henry there for part of the time, so that two hours went by fast. After that I took all three kids to the park for a bit. I felt like a Good Mom and a Good Babysitter because of those things. But, on balance, Nolan exited the school without me or any other adult and made his way down the sidewalk in the parking lot where cars are typically going every which way. And later in the day, Elise just strolled out into the street when I was focused on Avery and Nolan. So, overall, it was a wash of a day in my parenting/babysitting/child handling self-esteem.

TV
Is anyone else watching Veep? The first episode I had trouble thinking of Julia Louis-Dreyfus' as anyone other than Sarah Palin, so I thought that would be a hinderance to me watching the show. A few episodes later and it's clearly not based on Sarah Palin in any way. It's a very funny and very clever show. Watching the show the other night, it struck me that I in no way have trouble thinking of it as a leap for a woman to be the VP. It's not like I've ever doubted a woman could do the job of VP, I think it's more than 10 years ago I would have looked at it as Hollywood trying to be progressive or whatever. Now it's just something that hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure it will soon(ish). I should note, the show is a comedy and funny for those who aren't into politics.

Hike

Going Forth
I'm going to sign up for Crossfit. After my last blog post, I started to reconsider it. Not because I didn't like it because I did like it. I was reconsidering because it threw my walking routine in disarray due to the extreme soreness. I am pleased with my energy and desire to keep up with my daily 4-mile walks. I don't dread them and my days go much better when I've done them.  That said, I know if I stop for more than a couple of days, I'll fall off the wagon completely and not get back on for months. When it comes to good habits, I have to work really hard to be consistent. When it comes to bad habits, I'm an expert level backslider. All this self-knowledge made me think perhaps it was wiser to get a few months of daily walks in before taking on other activities. Two things changed my mind:

1. Today I did my walk in the morning before I took Avery to school (6:30 - 7:30). That was great because it was done and out of the way for the day. Doing it mid-morning made it feel like it just ate up my entire mid morning. 
2. I talked to one of the women in my Crossfit class after Avery's Kung Fu class today. And the instructor remembered my name. Two minor human interactions and I felt like, OK, I can do this. 

The key will be to not push myself in the Crossfit class so I am not too sore to walk the next day. Also, I'm going to (try to) walk in the early mornings. This means I will still be doing my usual hilly walk everyday. Originally I was planning to just walk around Gabriel Park for an hour on Crossfit days, but it's not hilly enough. I feel like I'm "wasting" my hour because of the lack of hills. 

Hiking

Today was my day with the G kids. It was such a nice day that I decided to take Avery and Elise and Nolan on a hike up the trail, then down through the cemetery. Considering it was over an hour, in the hot sun, and a 1.4 mile hilly walk, they all did great. Breakdowns of each child's positives and negatives (clearly this is subjective to what I like on a walk). 

Kid	Positives	Negatives
Avery	--Strong and fast walker --Easily excited by New and Exciting Destinations! (makes it easy to keep her moving)	--Does not ever stop talking --While not whining exactly, Avery does announce every so often that “I’m tired, but I’m going to push through it. Did you hear me, Mommy? I’m going to push through it!”
Elise	--Doesn’t whine --Quiet for long periods of time --Can walk barefoot on grass without complaining once about needles or ouchies.	--Slooooowwww --Unwilling to run to catch up; sits down if a race is ongoing to declare her lack of participation in said race. --Wants to “rest” (WTF is that?)
Nolan	--Willing to run to catch up --Doesn’t whine --Doesn’t ask to take off shoes in the grass.	--Slowish --Talks not loud and like an almost 3yo boy = hard to understand if I'm not concentrating completely on him.

Frame

Playdate

I am watching the kids now, which means I'm listening to them argue in Avery's room while I look at things on the computer.  Avery's favorite phrase of the moment ("You're not my best friend anymore!") has already been muttered, so the afternoon is off to a swinging start.

Impending Crash

I'm really happy and up right now.  Normally one would think this to be a good thing.  However, it makes D dread what he believes will be an upcoming crash.  I can't deny that this is usually the pattern, but when I'm in my up state like I am, I just can't imagine how I haven't gotten this depression thing licked.  I think, "I'll just be like this all the time.  It's so easy.  You just decide to be happy and you are! I'm so glad I've got it figured out now."  Then, at some point, poof.  It's gone.  At D's request, I scheduled an appointment to talk to my therapist/PMHNP while I'm in an up state to see what I can do about maybe leveling things out.  It feels ridiculous to think about talking about being too happy.  It's not like I'm manic or anything.  If I were like this all the time it would be a perfectly acceptable state.  It's just that I never remain at this state of happiness/elation/? for too long.  Of course, neither can I remember how long I do stay at this state since I don't notice it coming on nor do I notice it slipping away.

I was driving along thinking about all this today.  Among my thoughts is the usual, "Do I really want to blog about this?"  After all, people are loathe to discuss mental health issues and talk about this shit.  Admitting it's there and putting it up for the world (or all 4 of my readers) to read is reducing privacy.  But I always land at the same place: pretending this isn't something I have to deal with makes it so much harder.  And I'm not ashamed.  I'm annoyed and frustrated and pissed that my moods aren't as even as it appears other people's are, but I'd be more annoyed if I tried to hide my what? flaws? imperfections? depressions?  Whatever.

For now, I'm quite up, so it's all easy to manage.  Maybe I DO finally have it all figured out. Ha! I crack myself up.

Digital Frame

When I went to Mexico with my girlfriends, I left presents for Avery and D for each day that I was gone.  One of D's gifts was a digital photo frame.  I figured he could take it to his office and set it up there.  He never did, so it sat around in the box until I finally decided to load it up with pictures and put it in our house the other day.  It was then that I discovered digital photo frames are made for people like me.  In fact, I like it so much that I've ordered another one so we have one placed for landscape-oriented photos and the other for portrait-oriented photos.

Reasons I love the photo frame:

• The threshold for determining picture quality is lower.  If it's a snap shot that isn't a great photo, but that has special memories for me, I can load it up without a second thought. 
• The circle of subjects in the pictures widens.  I can't see myself ever putting pictures of the Gs or of our friends Vic and Mike on our walls.  Let's face it, if you don't even put up pictures of your family, you're not going to put them up of your friends. Also, it's a little weird to put up other people's family.  Yet, I love looking at pictures of Elise and Nolan and of us on vacation with Vic and Mike.  So I loaded all those up on the frame, too. 
• It's easy.  I realize that framing a photo and hanging it is easy for the vast majority of people.  For me, it is not.  It takes me over a year to hang pictures, if I ever get around to it.  Same for printing pictures / having pictures printed.  By the time I get the freakin' picture up, it's already two years out of date.  
• Variety.  Even once I have a picture up, I get bored of it very quickly.  I love the picture of D, Avery and me that we had framed, but now I pass by it so often that I'm bored of it.  
• Less clutter.  One frame = endless pictures.  Awesome.  

Chart Maker

After I made the chart for RHG & Elise, a couple of RHG's mommy friends saw it.  I had two requests to make them charts, too.  So I happily obliged putting my Silhouette to work and made them both charts and tokens.  In this process I discovered that I prefer to use the Silhouette to cut regular paper vs cutting cardstock.  I naturally gravitated towards cardstock since it makes the most sense.  However, if you're making letters to put on something, or you're cutting tokens that will be laminated, you don't need to the paper to be thick.  This means I finally found a use for all the scrapbook paper that I am oh-so drawn towards but never before had a use for.

Speaking of the Silhouette, I noticed the other day that there's a new version that cuts 12" paper (mine cuts 8").  I, of course, want it.  I will not buy it since I really, really can't justify that, but damn it! I want it.  Just like I want a letterpress after playing with one at Paper Source the other day.  Why must I love these tools and supplies so when I don't actually love the resulting products one makes with them? 

Tip

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Weekend with Three

The G's were away this weekend, so we had E & N from about 4 pm on Friday to about (presumably) 5 pm Sunday.  Overall, it was a pretty easy weekend.  I still have no desire for more than one child, but Avery had a great time with both E and N.  There were also far fewer fights than in the past, so perhaps as A and E have gotten older, they've gotten better at settling their own disputes.

Friday night we headed over to the condo for a pre-judgment day dinner with Christie & family and Amber & family.  That was a perfect way to start our weekend.  The kids all played fairly happily amongst each other whilst the adults joked about the coming end of the world.  Upon arrival home, all children were asleep quickly.  Since Nolan had fallen and hit his head earlier in the day (at his house, not ours, thank goodness), requiring a visit to the doctor, we had to wake him at 11 PM to be sure he was OK.  D and I had a little miscommunication* and it turns out that both of us woke him separately - me at 11 PM, D at 1 AM.  Poor Nolan.

Saturday, after eating breakfast and getting dressed, I got the girls ready to head out to buy some flowers. Elise asked me to put her hair up like Avery's. Then Nolan wanted me to do the same. I, of course, obliged.

I then took Elise and Avery to the nursery to buy flowers for the flower pots on our back deck.  The girls were pretty good at the nursery and helped me pick out flowers.  When we got back, they "helped" to plant the flowers.  Basically, they started to distribute the flower pots to the various pots, then I rearranged everything, then D gave them lunch while I planted. So, it wasn't exactly hands on helping, but Avery gets to do hands on planting at school.  My goal was to get through it as fast as possible since I don't enjoy the planting, but do enjoy the lovely flowers on the deck.  Let's see, after lunch was a nap/quiet time.  After nap time, I decided to take all three kids and Turtle out for a walk.  It took over an hour, but we all made it unscathed and my patience was even in tact.  I think Eddie was usually the aggravating factor on previous walks.  Following our walk, D took Nolan to the grocery store to do some shopping while Avery and Elise played nicely together.   After dinner, D had to leave to go to the Timbers game (I told him to take a friend since I couldn't see it being a good idea to keep Avery out late on a weekend when we'd need well behaved kids all around), so I put the three kids down to bed.  Overall, it was pretty easy.  Not as easy as most date nights, but pretty easy nonetheless.

Today, Sunday, we headed over to Sara's for our regular brunch group.  Sara made several gluten free options that I could eat - all delicious - and even cooked pig and turkey bacon so D could enjoy some bacon.  D and I are quickly becoming Those People when it comes to dinner invites.  Between my no gluten and his no pig, it's rather embarrassing.  For the record, neither of us expect people to cook around our eating choices.  Once back from brunch, it was quiet/nap time again.  Less successful than Saturday, but still a little down time.  After I got up, I took the kids and Turtle for a walk again.  Elise fell and got a little scrape on her knee, so we dropped her back off at home and headed out with just Avery and Nolan.  This time we took the tricycle.  It seemed liked a good idea at the time, but Nolan isn't quite ready for the tricycle. Then, when Avery was in the tricycle, I felt it best to hold Nolan's hand while walking, so then I had two hands occupied (the tricycle has a push bar - Avery can pedal on her own, but when going down these hills I have to control her speed and I also help push her up the hills) and still had to find a way to hold the leash.  So it was a bit of a juggling act, but not too bad.

* Is "miscommunication" not a word?  It's being red squigglied. Am too lazy to research, but not too lazy to disclaimer my confusion via this statement.  It's kind of a middle of the road kind of lazy. 

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Virtual Tip Jar

Did you know you can now a virtual tip jar to your blog?  Yep.  Here's an example blog with the gadget.  At first I thought why would any blog like mine need a tip jar.  Then I thought about when I gathered donations for Avery's jog-a-thon and realized it would be very useful for something like that.  Should the need ever arise again, perhaps I'll do it via a tip Google Tip Jar.