In my labeling frenzy, I went looking for a particularThe Ass Story - December 2006antidoteanecdote1 that I recalled writing about, but couldn't find it in the blog. I search my blog by searching my email due to a bug with the search functionality on the blog itself. Anyway, I realized that I didn't actually blog this story at the time, but rather emailed to a few friends. Now that I'm way less paranoid about what I reveal about myself, I figured I'd put it on up here for historical purposes ... and because I think it's funny.
About three weeks ago, I'm in the shower and I am soaping up and I find a lump, but not in my boob ... in my butt (not internally as D thought I meant, at which time he asked, "Why did you have your finger up there?" rather than, "Oh my god! Does it hurt?" or some other such reaction.) Basically, to make this description as quick and painless as possible for all of us, it is near the poop shoot. Anyway, I get online and I read that this is likely a hemorrhoid and should go away in 3-5 days. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense as I have no issues that cause those, but hey, stranger things have happened. I leave it and forget about it. I realize this week that it's still there and find this odd. So I immediately jump to the idea that I've got ass cancer, which was the next thing on the list of my Internet research (anal cancer, to be more exact, but I'd already decided I would refer to it as ass cancer ... it would be my "isn't she funny, she can still make jokes" thing that showed I was a Survivor) - I should get this checked out.
I go into a doctor, I explain, she takes a look/feel, has me roll over, and then tells me that it's a lump of fat cells. I have a fat ass. I went to the doctor because I have a fat ass. I actually said that to her, "So what you're saying is I have a fat ass." I got a good laugh. I told D this later that day and he just couldn't stop laughing at the idea that I didn't know what fat on my ass would feel like. In my defense, it's hard fat, not cellulite-y fat. I know exactly what cellulite-y fat feels like.
Anyway, I was reading and article online and saw this definition: CYBERCHONDRIA: "A headache and a particular rash at the same time? Extensive online research tells you it must be cancer." I was reminded about my episode. I also suffer from several of the other ones, but I'm not saying which ones.
1 I seriously typed antidote. *thwack!* But aren't you impressed with my subscripting?
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