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I thought about the appropriateness of blogging about this since it could be considered private for Avery. However, in the end, I think it's better to share. Sharing almost always seems better to me than not. Also, now that we've been doing it for a while, I realize this is more about me and my parenting than it is about her. I started this post back at the end of August, so it's been a while in coming.

Avery still has meltdowns of epic proportions. Sometimes it's a month or two without them. Sometimes they're once or twice a week. It varies greatly. When I realized that a lot of my frustration with the meltdowns/fits was due to the fact that I had little consistency - and no confidence - in my reaction, I decided to get some help. I also started to think about Avery in 10 years. If she still bundles her emotions to release at one single time, that won't be pretty.

I researched various types of child therapists online. I first tried to find one in-network, but couldn't, so then I went out-of-network (which means none of our sessions will be covered until we reach something like $7k in a year - not going to happen). Anyway, I found one that seemed a good fit for us. My first concern, and only true hesitation, was a worry that Avery would think something was wrong with her. I made an appointment and went in for the first session without Avery. Mariah (our "feelings helper") put my fears to rest. After discussing our situation, we made several appointments for the following weeks.

First off, Avery LOVES going to see Mariah. She was a bit shy during the first 10 minutes of our first session, but since then, she's all over it. It makes sense: it's constant attention that is all about her ... that's a wonderful thing for most kids. Anyway, we did some puppet exercises, talked about feelings, looked at flashcards with various feelings depicted on them, and did some drawing. All of it was very enlightening for me. Even just hearing the language Mariah uses during the puppet-ing portion is useful.

Avery has now gone with me a total of 3 times and I've gone alone twice. And while it pains me to pay out-of-pocket for something that is covered by our insurance were I able to find a provider in-network, it's been worth every penny. As the primary caregiver, I have noticed huge strides. We've been able to avert most major fits, and the ones that have happened have been easier (for me) to handle because I feel like I know what I'm doing is OK. It's really hard to know what to do when your kid is just screaming and screaming, the trigger of which was what is a non-issue 9 times out of 10.

My first lightbulb moment was realizing that Avery is a sensitive child. I said this to D and he was like, "duh." However, I've never thought of her that way because she's so adaptable to new situations, gets on well with others, etc. For me, just having that light turned out was huge.

Another lightbulb moment was when Mariah and I, during our last solo session, realized that Avery's big feelings are not situational. Avery handles all of our travel with ease. She handles changes in schools with ease, changes in teachers, changes in plans, changes in almost everything she handles with ease. For a lot of sensitive kids, changes like this are tough. In the session before vacation, Mariah mentioned something to Avery about sometimes it's tough to be on vacation because you say you want to go home or that you don't want to go back home - something about the changes that come with vacation. It hit me at that moment that Avery has only commented about missing home a handful of times on all of our vacations - and none of those comments were accompanied with moping or crying or sadness - they were a momentary blip on her radar. So, while it's nice to have a daughter who handles situational changes very well, the bad news is that it means her fits are harder to get a handle on. If you know that situation x has a high likelihood of creating a fit, then you can take steps to accomodate that. I don't know when a fit is going to happen. I do know that it's more likely to happen if she's tired or hungry (duh), but again, there's another mysterious component to it than just those things. If that competent is situational, damned if I know what it is. The only thing I know is that fits only happen when she feels safe (i.e. with me or with D and Nain is nearing that honored position).

A third lightbulb moment was that I needed to be reminded that things that we, as adults, all know to be no big deal and minor are sometimes a child's whole world at that moment. Empathy. Mariah didn't say I wasn't being empathetic enough, but I'm a smart enough cookie to put that one together.

The final lightbulb moment was when we discovered that when Avery is having her "big feelings" she wants everyone in the house to feel that way (that's probably when the empathy epiphany came to me). So when she is angry, she wants to make me angry. Clearly, Avery didn't say it like this, but she did state this desire clearly enough. It's awesome to know this. It seems obvious in hindsight, but I could basically type that statement after each paragraph in this post.

What we're doing/trying:

• When she's starting to get upset, we go to the feelings flashcards, which we bought for home use. Avery likes this and it does help calm her down as long as she's not too far into the fit. We sort through the cards and she pulls out the ones she's currently feeling. We talk about those feelings. 
• If Avery reaches a fit stage, Mariah confirmed my conclusion that nothing I do during that fit does any good at all. Avery can't hear me at that point. She has reverted to her primal brain and just needs to get through it. Therefore, me ignoring what she's saying, but just sitting near her being quiet (which was what I started doing a year or so ago when I realized a time out or threats of taking toys away or whatever wouldn't work). It also explains why Avery will say "I want bunny" and then if I give her bunny she says "I don't want bunny!" In that state, she is just not able to reason. 
• We just started this one, but our one use of it was great! An occupational therapist gave Mariah this tip. When Avery starts to have "big feelings" I am supposed to suggest we go to a wall to do a wheelbarrow against the wall (like with her legs pushing against the wall and her arms holding her up). I can help her if she wants/needs it. She is then supposed to take five (or however many) breaths. The theory is that, because this is a challenging physical position that isn't normally done, the brain has to really focus on that activity. It allows the brain to snap out of the loop it's in. At least this is how I understand it. We did this the other day when big feelings came up. Not only did it head off the fit, but Avery said to me, "I want to go talk in the nook." So we both went into her nook and she sat on the chair and articulated her feelings better than she's ever been able to do. That feeling was embarrassed. That's a tough one for Avery, as it is for me, and it is for most people. I'm optimistic about this technique. 

My analysis of all this is still developing. Most of the time in sessions is spent playing with puppets or coloring or talking about "big feelings", so it's between the sessions when I think about my role in all this. I'm still processing it all. I'm processing what I've done wrong in order to start doing it right. I'm quite sure that Mariah, and any other therapist, would redirect my use of the words right and wrong given parenting is not black and white. What is the right thing for me to do with Avery is not necessarily the right thing for another kid. This isn't an entirely new concept for me, but it is new in the sense that I thought more about my goals ("I want to raise a child who is responsible") than how to get there. I'm very much a bull in a china shop kind of person. As a result, I had one path to that goal. Well, that path isn't necessarily right for Avery even if that's the path that seems most logical to me. This makes it seem like I need to make major changes, but the answer so far seems to be that subtle changes are so very key.

I've realized that one of my failings as a parent is not focusing as much on - in consulting speak - soft skills as I should. It's not like I didn't talk at all about this stuff, but I think my mind was geared much more towards fostering independence and responsibility and character. However, those are secondary to learning how to handle emotions, how to release frustration appropriately, how to develop self-awareness, etc.

I am pleased to say that I am not beating myself up about my mistakes or oversights. All of this seems so obvious in hindsight, but when I'm faced with parenting moments that are about emotions and feelings, I find myself tongue tied and caught off guard. Talking about emotions - other than anger, frustration, crankiness, moodiness, depression or annoyance - is not a strike zone for me. I need to develop better language around feelings other than those listed above.

So there it is. I'm so very happy with our progress. I'm also happy to know that this is going to be a slow process, but that the work we do now will hopefully payoff tenfold when she's older. I also like how Avery is brought into this process so we can work as a team together. She loves to help and to teach, so when I share how she's helping and teaching me, it makes a bi impact.