Yesterday ...
... was just awful. One of the hardest days I've had in a very long time. By the time D made it home about 5:50, I was in bed and letting Avery smear my face with Vaseline while watching Dora. Why? Because the day was just that bad and I just needed to make it until D came home.
The day started off not great when I let Avery watch TV while I got my hair highlighted (she comes to my house to do it). That set the tone off bad because when I let her watch more than ½ hour of TV in the mornings, it's all down hill from there. Then add to the fact that I didn't go to sleep until 2 AM the night before and you have my exhaustion added in. Not good.
It took me 1.5 hours to get Avery's eye patch off because she kept running and hiding. No amount of bribing worked. Ultimately, I had to forcibly remove it. Not fun for either of us. I think the barrage of bribes coming at her also confused her because she was then demanding everything after that.
We then headed to the mall to get her prescription sunglasses. That was totally miserable in a number of ways, culminating in her folding herself in half in the store as they were trying to fit the sunglasses to her face. She wouldn't let them take the sunglasses off one more time, so I just called it good enough and we left the store. I totally lost it in the car when she then asked to watch Word Girl on my phone. I said no (of course) and then she cried until we got home and then some more when we got home.
None of this sounds all that bad in my descriptions, but it was all just terrible. D came home and I sent them out to dinner without me and went to sleep. Of course, I'm pretty sure she was totally sweet for D at dinner. Sometimes being the primary caregiver sucks and this was one of those times.
Voice
To make things even worse, I had to use my voice during the 1.5 hours of failed negotiations with Avery. My voice is still very raspy and hoarse. It's there, but it's not normal. I'm so very, very frustrated. I don't know if it's ever going to get back to normal. I'm depressed to think this may be my new normal. Three days of a lot of quietness didn't bring it back. I wake up and I can still feel that my voice is still hoarse and deep.
Mexico
Today will be devoted to packing for Mexico. Avery's at school today since I had some make up days to use. It was a stroke of genius to schedule her for school the day before we leave. I would be going bonkers right now without that.
Telling vs. Tattling
I've always had trouble reconciling that children are told not to tattle, but then chided for not stepping in when another child is being hurt by one (e.g. bullying). My problem is that I have never thought about the difference between telling and tattling. This article, Bullying: The advice you got is wrong. Here's what really works, articulates the difference between the two:
The ever popular "don't be a tattletale" has sent another harmful message. When we stand by and watch others being hurt, and do nothing, that's somehow deemed a good decision. Instead, we need to repeatedly teach our children the difference between telling and tattling.
Tattling is meant to make someone else look bad; there's not a victim involved. Telling, or reporting, is done in the service of others; it's meant to help someone. It's a heroic thing to stand up for someone who's being hurt, and we need to treat it as such - at home and at school.
This finally makes sense to me! And I'm happy to have read it when Avery is still young. It will really help in dealing with Avery and Elise interaction.
When I had flexibility in scheduling Elise's school, I would put her in the day before and the day after vacation. It was SUCH a huge help. Now I do the same with Nolan at Stay and Play.
ReplyDeleteI like that distinction between tattling and telling. I was talking to a friend who used to be a teacher and she said most kids go through a phase of tattling because they are getting to know their moral compass of learning what is right and what is wrong, and then they are confused when someone else gets away with breaking a rule. She said to encourage "tattling" of rule following, and that most kids eventually will grow out of the tattle tale stage.
That said, clearly I myself did not grow out of the tattle tale stage. :)
My experience in talking with teachers is that tattletales drive them crazy. Clearly that is going to vary based on which teacher you talk to.
ReplyDeleteI won't encourage tattling of rule following, but I will encourage telling when other kids are being hurt (or when the teller is being hurt by another kid).
Well, the ex-teacher friend was certainly "driven crazy" by tattle taling. I think she was just trying to give me hope that Elise's current phase is not necessarily a cause for alarm.
ReplyDeleteReese is Queen Bee tattle-tale, and I've always told her (and repeatedly tell her, sigh) that she only needs to tell on someone if someone is getting hurt. For the verbal bullying (which we've seen even in preschool - little girls can be so mean and clique-ish!), we've encouraged her to stand up for kids that are being picked on. I've actually run through scenarios with her on what kind of things she can say if she sees friend A being mean to friend B.
ReplyDeleteIn Reese's kinder class, they have a tattle-bear stuffed animal that the kids can talk to "in private" to get their tattles off their chest.
@Rachele - so are you choosing to encourage the "tattling" of rule following based on her advice? Just curious.
ReplyDelete@Vy - I think the tattle-bear is a great idea. Does it work?
I remember reading somewhere that tattling was also something kids did when they were unable to process whatever was happening themselves. For instance, if Hen is being bothered (not victimized but bothered) and he is unable to resolve the situation himself, he then would tattle on the other kid to me expecting me to help resolve the situation. Interesting stuff. Just for kicks I looked up the definition in the dictionary I use and "report another's wrongdoing" is how they explain it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I hope today went better for you than yesterday. Egads.
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ReplyDeleteI think so - I haven't had a chance to talk to other parents about it, but Reese has mentioned the tattle bear a couple of times. One time she got in trouble for pushing another kid in line, and her excuse was "So-and-so cut in line in front of me, and I wanted to tell the Tattle Bear but it wasn't around, and I couldn't help it and pushed her!" So obviously my kid has some impulse control issues, LOL, but it did show me that being able to "tell" on someone is an important release for kids that age.
ReplyDeleteI actually don't think I'll choose to coach Elise to tattle on good things. I honestly don't think Elise is socially mature enough to "get it" regarding a definition of exactly what tattling is, much less a distinction between reporting bad items vs good items. I am 100% sure she is not ready to understand the difference between tattling and telling, if I were to explain it to her consistently over the course of a month.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about tattling a lot for the last couple months (ie since it's become so prevalent) but the right approach never really jumped out at me. Most parenting advice out there is how to handle tattling between two similarly aged kids, and doesn't seem to fit my situation of Elise tattling on Nolan. I actually like what Christie said about how tattling is a result of the kid just confused or upset about not knowing how to resolve the situation. I think that is what happens when Elise tattles on Nolan. So, I guess my approach will be to help Elise with what options she has to resolve a situation (but not actually mediate the situation myself).
At any rate, the tattling is annoying, but right now I'm trying to remind myself that it's not rooted in bad intentions or character flaws. :) As she matures (maybe in 3-6mo) then clearly that approach will have to change, because at some point she WILL be able to distinguish between tattling vs telling. The more I think about it, the more I am sure that distinction would be lost on her.
ETA: The more I think about it, the more I am sure that distinction would be lost on her NOW.
ReplyDelete:)