Ben

Ben
I'm in Mexico on our annual girls' weekend. When I get back to Portland, I will have new cabinetry and a new surround sound system. I'll then get to enjoy a trip to Colorado to ski or spa with D and the other GMs and their spouses. Following that, I get to be home for a couple of weeks, then head back to Colorado to help my mom with final packing details and then drive her out to Oregon for her move there. March 2012 hasn't started and it's shaping up to be a wonderful, albeit busy, month.

All this (anticipated) wonderfulness got a swift kick in the reality gut. My friend's 5yo son died on Wednesday.  He was diagnosed three years ago with a rare form of cancer, PPB. I bawled for a good amount of time upon reading the news: "Ben died today." I wanted to pull Avery into bed with us, but D rightly pointed out that I would just scare her with my state of intensity. Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I think about is that Barb has to wake up every morning and realize all over again that it wasn't a dream, that Ben is actually dead.

Kevin and Rachele are attending services for Ben on Wednesday in Arizona. I went to Barb and Mark's wedding with Kevin and Rachele. I went to a number of weddings with friends around that same time in my life, but that weekend in Chicago was more of a bonding experience than I expected. I want to be at the service, too. What ultimately stops me, though, is not the daunting logistics or high price of flying out of and back into Mexico, but the fact that I'd have to delay seeing Avery for another couple of days. I can't do that to her, or me. I'm also terrible in grieving situations. I don't think anyone says, "I'm so good at it!" but I'm really bad. I'm awkward. I go numb rather than emotional, which then I worry makes me seem callous. Then I get mad at myself for being worried about ME when the situation doesn't have anything to do with ME. Then I end up making jokes, which can be good or bad. It's just bad. So while I would like to be there to show Barb and Mark how much I'm thinking about them and Ben,  there is a part that is relieved that it's just not possible. Barb did reply that it's OK that I can't make it and that I can fly out for a visit in a few months when she's really sad. It makes me so sad to know that the saddest and hardest times are yet to come. That nothing can be done to stop that reality. That she has to wake up every morning to it and to dig through until things get just a little bit better, bit by bit.

Mexico, Sweet Mexico

There's no segue from death to another topic like the weather. The weather during the day is ideal. Not too hot, not cool, perfect. In the mornings and the evenings it's a bit chillier than I'd prefer, but still nothing cold. Just cold enough that I can't wear the same thing I do during the day. We don't need any AC in the house and can leave the doors and windows open without bugs or heat problems. 

Some of the (small) changes we had made in the casa since our last trip make it much more functional. I love me some function. We had shelves installed in a nook in the living room/kitchen area. These are so key because there's always a need to have a place to put sunblock, medications, keys, sunglasses, hats, etc. I love the splash of blue I had them paint behind the shelves. The only problem is that having such a burst of blue does make clear the need to have more bursts of color in the room, but that's a good problem to have, it's a FWP.

We've been talking a lot about our First World Problems. Life is very good when you have FWP. It's like sitting on the tippy top of Maslow's pyramid, and that tippy top is equipped with a nice squishy and comfy seat. As only FWP can be, a lot of my FWP are superficial. Having superficial problems is wonderful. I'm so grateful that I have FWP and not real problems. 

Yesterday was nice and relaxing. We headed into town to get basic groceries. Before leaving for town, Stacey and I walked across the Paseo to the new fresh market opened a few months ago. I was thrilled, giddy, ecstatic with the selection of fruits and veggies, especially since it was not the best day to get food. I think he said the best days are Mondays and Fridays. The best food goes fast. I'm just thrilled I can walk right across the street to get veggies, fruit, and rice. They were out of brown rice, but they do sell it along with chicken bouillon cubes! The other grocery store in the community always has milk and water and snacky things. So much better than a couple of years ago. 

I'm also thrilled that I lugged down the beach cart. It required I bring our largest suitcase. I stuffed that sucker full of stuff to bring down. It weighed exactly 50.0 lb. A tenth of a pound more and we would have had to juggle things around in suitcases to avoid the excess baggage charge. Anyway, the beach cart will be quite useful I think. I was doing a little dance when I put it together. I also brought down a portable sun shade. I set it up on the roof terrace a bit ago for reading. It's easy to put up and take down. I will definitely be taking it to the pool with us on a regular basis. Shade will be mine! That was another reason we needed the beach cart: so it's easy to get the sun shade to the pool and back. 

Yeah, so I'm having a great time. I am anxious for D and Avery to get here. It doesn't feel the same without them. Don't get me wrong, I love having the time to do whatever I want, totally guilt free. That's great. But this house is supposed to have D and Avery in it when I'm here. Plus, I keep thinking about how excited Avery was when I was packing my bag for Mexico. I went downstairs to get something. When I came back, she'd gone into the closet and pulled out her suitcase, then proceeded to pack everything she needed for the trip: her Dora Pillow Pet, her pink & purple cuddly blanket, and her Stella doll. I can't wait to give her a big, gigantic hug!