week(12) 2013

week 12, March 17 - 23

Today's walk/run with Abbie went well. I, again, ran all three uphill segments in the cemetery, as well as sprinting up a smaller uphill portion on the way home. I also added some lunges to our trek along one of the flatter parts of the walk. --- Sunday

The GoldieBlox that I pre-ordered for Avery arrived recently. This morning Avery and I tried it out. It's somewhat interesting, but I'm not sure how much of its goal it achieves. Avery was engaged, but happy to move onto the next activity after about 15 minutes or so.--- Sunday

When everyone in your life, including your therapist, says you should wait on something - in this case a job search or job training - I suppose it's good to follow their advice. So I'm waiting just a bit before I concentrate on that. I have to deal with the depression and adjust to my new reality a bit before I take the next huge step. Part of me feels that indicates I'm not serious about going back to work, but most of me knows that it actually means the opposite. I have to learn to manage the depression and heal the current wounds before moving on to such a big undertaking. In the meantime, I'm concentrating on doing small things that I simply don't want to do just because it helps prevent the downward spiral of depression. Perhaps it's more accurate to say that it helps me climb up every so slightly each day. --- Thursday

Right now, per my therapist's advice, I'm doing something I used to enjoy doing before this round of depression hit hard recently: I'm making stuff using my Silhouette. I'm making card cutouts for D and me to put in Avery's lunch each day when one of us makes it. Avery loves cards and notes, so hopefully it'll make her feel special and loved, as she is. --- Thursday

Abbie had her spay surgery yesterday. She did well, though was quite groggy and out of it last night. Not to mention whiney. The whininess hasn't stopped, but she is back to her mischief seeking self. The cone of shame limits the amount of mischief she can get into, but mischief she will make, I assure you. The vet also found she has a pretty big ulcer on the bottom of her tongue. In an older dog, she would think cancer, but given Abbie's age it's probably due to some sort of trauma. She's on antibiotics for it and the vet will check it again when we return for our 7 day post-surgery check up. --- Saturday  

Sometimes there is something I want a text reminder about, but it's not something I want noted on my regular calendar. I could schedule it as an all-day event, but I tend to gloss over those. My default for calendar events on my main calendar is no reminders. Therefore, I were I to enter these one-off items on that calendar, I would always have to change the reminder to be an SMS reminder. Then it occurred to me that I could create a calendar specifically for texts. I set the default reminder to be SMS at 1 minute before the event. On my phone, I set texts coming from Google Calendar to be a particular text tone so I know what type of text is coming in. Perfect. Examples of how I use this: Abbie medication. She's got a ton of medication right now after her surgery, in addition to regular flea/tick/heartworm medication and preventative (de?)worming stuff. I have to remember what days and times to do all these things. Now I just enter them as items on my text calendar and boom! automatic text reminders. It all sounds complicated, but it's really not and the system is working perfectly for me. I do love a good system. 

depression

Always deserving of its own category is my ongoing management of my depression. This week and the end of last were the first in a while where I truly felt the pull of the downward spiral into full-on depression. That's the one where I find it really hard to get out of bed, really hard to function, really hard to feel anything, and just really hard to be. I followed my therapist's advice, as well as that in my depression book, and used "gentle compassion" with myself and tried not to judge myself harshly. In part because of others' reactions to my depression - as well as my own - in the past, this has been a difficult task. I think it'll take quite a while before the harsh judgement of myself for having/suffering/succumbing to depression will dissipate to be replaced by acceptance and action to minimize the downward spiral while giving myself a break (more so mentally than physically).

Monday was bad, but Tuesday was when it really hit me like a truck. I decided to follow advice and just take it easy all day and not Push Through to prove my strength or my motivation to work on this issue. I asked Mom to drive Avery to school, then I did about an hour of meditation, and took a morning nap. This required I miss Abbie's puppy class, so I did have to work on forgiving myself for that. For the afternoon, after I'd given myself such a break, I forced myself to not give into the desire to check-out too much and picked Avery up at school. She had an appointment with her therapist. It was her first solo appointment with Mariah. Originally I was to come back to the appointment with about 20 minutes to spare in the session to join them, but when I got there, Avery wanted to continue with the solo session. Whatever they talked about really helped Avery. She was moody and sulky before going into therapy and came out happy and, for lack of a better word, lighter. While Avery was in with Mariah, I took Abbie for a walk around the neighborhood, which eased my guilt a bit about not doing the puppy class or our usual walk/jog. 

Wednesday was again pretty rough. I had therapy in the morning which was a difficult session. Mom picked Avery up from school and spent the afternoon with her. Here is where I don't have any guilt. Avery had the best time with Nain. They baked cupcakes to give to Avery's teachers the next day. The often go on walks to the park together and just have a great time. I'm not sure what I'd be doing right now, given the current situation, without the knowledge that Avery has this steady person she can depend on and whom she loves so, and who loves her. Mom had to make a number of sacrifices to move here last year. They have been difficult for her and others, but right now I am so very, very grateful that they were made. I don't know how I'll ever pay Mom back. Thank you, Mom. I love you. /sap (that means "end sap" in semi-code-y-techie language). We shall never speak of this sap in person, tyvm. 

Thursday morning, after I dropped Avery at school, Amber came over to do the dog walk with me. Thank goodness. I'm quite sure I wouldn't have been able to do it otherwise. It got the day off to a better start. While not quite pulling out of the spiral, I believe it halted my further descent for the day. Avery and I also had dinner with the Gs that night. RHG baked gluten-free biscuits for me, so now I drive around with an "I ♥ RHG" bumpersticker on my sweet ride. 

Friday we had some climbing up from the spiral! Yipee! I had to leave the house early to get Abbie into the vet by 7:45 for her spay surgery. Avery and I headed to the G's house early, waited a while, then headed out with Nolan to take the kids to school. After dropping them off, I intended to do the a walk/jog (obviously sans Abbie) immediately, but I didn't. The pull was strooonnng. So I let myself nap. However, upon waking from that short nap, I got up, ate a little food, then I did the walk/jog. This is a major, major success. Not only did I do it without the motivation of "I must take the dog" but I did it after I'd mentally written it off for the day. I felt oh-so-much better after that. Mom picked up Avery from school, so I picked Avery up from her house, headed to the vet's office to pick up Abbie, then drove to the G's to pick up Elise for a sleepover. We dyed Easter eggs and the girls played. I tried to get them to sleep in Avery's room together and failed miserably at that. They both ended up in my bed. They are both pretty darn cute when sleeping, I'll say that. 

This morning, Saturday, I woke up feeling quite good. Abbie's driving me crazy with her whining, but I've been able to contain that annoyance with a good attitude that hasn't impacted the kids or my attitude for the day. Again, major milestone. I can't take Abbie on her usual walk/jog, so I did it alone, then came back for a short walk with Abbie. Midway through the day and I'm feeling strong and up. No downward spiral pull. That doesn't mean I'm through this bout, of course, but it does mean that I'm learning how to deal with the pull a little better. 

The rest of this weekend will be a test for me, but I feel strong going into it. Instead of loading up on activities with friends as I did last weekend, I am planning to spend it alone. The alone part of things doesn't worry me. The balance of being gentle with myself but not shutting down is the key. Baby steps.