Goodbye

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Goodbye Turtle Girlie

We put Turtle to sleep on Friday.  It feels like I already updated the blog with this information since I posted it on FB, but I guess my last post had us off to the specialist.  I very much liked this vet. He was worth the drive to Clackamas.  He thoroughly, but gently, examined Turtle without running any tests.  Then he explained that given her symptoms, she had one of two possible things wrong with her.  Cancer or a fungal infection in her nose.  The fungal infection is just as hard to treat as cancer, so it was pointless trying to figure out which it was.  It was most likely cancer anyway. The vet said it was likely a tumor had formed and the blood from her nose came after it had pushed its way through the bone.  This is very painful. Poor Turtle.

The vet gave me some pain pills for her and said she might be able to make it week or so, but once I heard the verdict, I knew I would do it the next day.  Even though Turtle wasn't eating anything, she was still interested in food and that is what killed me.  It must have been torture for her to want to eat, but be unable to due to the pain.  So, after leaving the vet's office, I sat in the car and made three phone calls: Damian, then RHG to ensure she could take Avery the next day, then the vet to come over and put Turtle to sleep.

Friday went as well as can be expected.  Turtle and I went for a nice long trail walk. This was the most difficult part of the day for me.  The end of an era since we went on some many walks on that trail.  It was nice Turtle was still so spry and could really enjoy her walk.  That made it more difficult for me - to see thing spring in her step and her wagging tail - but for Turtle's sake I'm glad it was that way.

I sobbed a lot on Friday, but since then, I've only had a few moments.  Most of them come when I realize we have no dogs anymore.  Like when we came home from date night, opened the door and ... no dogs.  Or before we go to bed and there are no dogs to let out and take care of.  Or after we eat when I realize that Cheerios do not magically pick themselves up.  The G kids were over last night and I had to sweep the floor after dinner.  I've never had to do that.  The food magically disappeared (and was replaced by dog hair, but still, no food).

I miss Turtle and Eddie - the younger versions.  Actually, I loved the older version of Turtle.  She was perfection to me.  The best dog one could hope for.  The younger version of Eddie was extraordinary and almost-human.  I miss them.  However, I do feel freed of the responsibility.  Less cleaning, more space, no schedule of feeding. It's definitely like a weight has been lifted.  Which is why there will be no more pets for quite a while.  Probably until Avery begs for one (but don't tell her that).

Speaking of Avery, she's done just fine with it all.  On Thursday night, when I told her Turtle was going to die the next day, she asked if she could watch.  We said no, to which she replied, "But I never get to watch dogs die!"  She said goodbye to Turtle the same way she did Eddie, by running out the door happily yelling "bye, Turtle Girlie!"  I know she's mulling over in her head what death is and gets that death means she doesn't get to see Turtle or Eddie anymore, but I'm grateful that she doesn't truly get it just yet. 

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Reorganization

Apparently I grieve through reorganization and cleaning.  Mostly reorganization.  With the dogs gone, I had an entire cabinet to fill up.  I moved Avery's toys from the pantry to that cupboard, then moved my crafting supplies (for the one card I make per year) up to the pantry.  I also cleaned and reorganized the closet and a bit of the garage.

Perhaps today I'll focus more on the cleaning aspect of things.